I (19m) was raised by my maternal grandparents. My bio mother had me at 20 and she didn’t want to sacrifice her life to raise me so she asked her parents if they would do it and she could be my sister. And that’s always how she presented herself to me when we saw each other, as my sister. I knew she was my bio mother and she knew that I knew. But she didn’t want me to call her mom or look at her as a mom.
For the first 8 years of my life I saw her pretty frequently and then I started seeing her less and less because she moved away. She got married when I was maybe 12 and she has two kids with her husband now who are 6 and 4.
They moved closer to us last year and I met her kids for the first time. They called me uncle and I was happy with that. But then my bio mother wasn’t happy I was uncle and not brother. We fought about it 7 times since then and each time she’s like well you’re not their uncle you’re their brother and I told her I was more her brother than theirs and I wasn’t claiming her as a mom or parent so she’d have to get over herself. I said she was being weird because she was always clear on us not being mother/son but brother/sister and that naturally makes me their uncle.
Their dad encourages them to do what feels right while my bio mother tries to make them call me their brother. But I encourage them to keep saying uncle because that’s what makes the most sense and it’s not like they’re unaware of the fact I am technically their half brother. That is explained to them all the time by their parents. But uncle is what they say without any prompting and I’m just trying to make sure that doesn’t change much. My bio mother hates it while her husband supports me in doing it.
AITA?
Comments
NTA
If uncle is more natural to them then they should be free to call you that if you’re okay with it. Their bio mother can’t have herself not be called your mother and at the same time have them call you a brother. You’re right, that doesn’t make sense.
But honestly, I would just do names if it causes this much conflict. Just me though.
NTA whatever works for you is fine!
Definitely NTA, She is just trying to assuage any guilt she might feel for her terrible choices.
NTA.
She doesn’t get to keep changing who she is to you all the time, especially when she was the one making a point that you wouldn’t consider her your mother before.
NTA. She can’t just rewrite the family dynamic she created whenever she feels like it. She wanted to be your sister, so you’re her kids’ uncle. Simple as that. Her husband gets it, why doesn’t she.
NTA – bet if you questioned her on child support and back payments, it would be brother/uncle, no issues.
Nta at all, she set the precedent, you can’t suddenly change it now!
Updateme!
NTA, she is the one who made the decision to be your sister, so she can go kick rocks.
Your mother is aiming for your grandparents’ inheritance, thinking she’s an only child.
NTA Your bio mom decided to play a game and doesn’t like the prize she won. I wouldn’t say it was a stupid game necessarily, since you grew up with loving parents and sound pretty well-adjusted, but she made her choice and is pouting like a kid because you grew up the way you did feeling the type of bond she deliberately fostered instead of the type of bond she inexplicably wants now.
She is your egg donor, not your mother. Your mother is the woman that raised you. Those kids are your nephews, not your brothers.
NTA, start calling her mom. She can’t have it both ways.
She wants them to just call you by your name. This hides the real relationship. You don’t call siblings Brother Joe. You just say Joe. By them calling you Uncle Joe it shines a light on her deception and deadbeat parenting. Your grandparents may not have asked for child support but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t owe it. Might want to look into that.
18 years of child support could help with college or a house. Get a family law attorney.
Updateme
NTA. She doesn’t deserve to call you a son. She may have physically birthed you, but she wasn’t there for you as a mother.
Egg donors don’t get a say in how you address them or how family addresses you. Updateme
What do you call your grandparents?
It would be really odd if you call them ma and pa, and then have your biomom’s kids call them grandma/grandpa, wouldn’t it?
Your biomom chose this family dynamic.
She wanted you to be raised with her as your sister. Which is weird enough in itself, because it’s not like 20 is a teen pregnancy, and she physically couldn’t take care of you. She just CHOSE not to. And her parents agreed.
If you’re the kids’ brother, what does that make her? Because she has never been your mother.
NTA
She can’t expect you to be her brother one minute then her childrens brother the next.
IMO your mother and father are the people who raised you, loved you and where there for you and I don’t believe your big sister managed any of those things.
You have whatever relationship you think is best for you and the children.
Absent Big Sisters don’t get any choices