I (f21) was talking to my sister (f28) about my boyfriend inviting me to go to on a trip in another country after graduation. She wasn’t happy about the idea as she says “I would think you would want to visit mom after such a big accomplishment.”
For context, our mother passed away when I was 13 and she’s buried back in her home country. I haven’t been to her burial sight since then but she has gone on another occasion.
I explained that I would rather visit my mom when Im in a better place mentally because seeing her grave just wouldn’t help me now. I do miss my mom but she basically said I can’t travel without visiting my mom first.
I thought this was ridiculous but later on I felt guilty so I wanted to get some opinions from people who don’t know my sister and I.
Comments
Your sister is the AH. YOU ARE NOT! Your sister understands your guilt and uses it against you. In other words, she’s playing you. She’s not looking out for what’s best for you. She’s trying to see how much she can control you. Go with bf, find some peace.
You can mourn the loss of a loved one anywhere and any time. Visit your mother’s grave when you are emotionally prepared. NTA.
NTA. You do what’s right for you. She shouldn’t be guilt tripping you.
Congratulations
I don’t even know why my family even buried the dead. No one goes to visit the graves. When we buried my sister I literally tripped over my Moms grave. lol
Sis shouldn’t be guilt-tripping you. I also dont belive your mom is there. Thats just a headstone and a patch of grass. You mom is in your heart. Yiu mom is in your memories. In the little things that remind you of her. She everywhere and always with you.
If sis finds comfort in visiting that headstone and grass, good for her, I’m glad she’s identified something that brings her comfort. That doesn’t have to be true for you.
Enjoy your trip
Older sisters are big on guilt trips. Celebrate your joyous accomplishment guilt free, your mother will always be there.
Your sister sucks. Your mom is gone, honor her by living. You have the rest of your life to do a graveside pilgrimage.
You don’t think your ready its as simple as that.
Yes it’s a big accomplishment and your sister probably feels like you should celebrate with your mum like she would or perhaps she feels guilty not doing so herself (I can’t comment on that really)
Your relationship between you and your mum is different from your sisters just like with all siblings and their parents. When explaining your reasons to your sister make sure she knows this and respect her own relationship with your mum too.
Maybe you can both arrange a trip together when your able, visiting your mums grave doesn’t have to be because of an achievement. It can be a trip for love and family connections instead.
Unless she’s haunting you from beyond the grave and giving you a message to deliver to your sister, your relationship with your deceased mother is none of your sister’s business. You’re allowed to mourn (or not) in your own way. In your own time.
NTA everyone has their time to come around you don’t need a specific time and place to mourn someone, I hope you get better both physically and mentally
Pretty sure your Mum would want you to live your life
My mom was buried where I used to live, with my biological father that I never knew. That’s now six hours away. I have no reason to go back to that city, other than the graves. I had a small stone carved with my mother’s name & one with my father’s. They’re in my backyard. When I miss my mom, I go talk to the store because it’s something tangible. I don’t believe my mom is at either spot. But it makes me feel like I have a way of being closer to her. It cost around $50 for each one on Etsy
How is she gonna dictate how you mourn? Weird
NTA. You don’t owe your sister an explanation. You will visit your mom’s gravesite when you feel the time is right. Of course you miss your mom and mourn her loss. Having your sister burden you with her expectations isn’t going to change anything.
A grave isn’t the location of a passed love one. It’s the location of their remains. The loved one is in your heart. They are in those moments where you do something and think of them, or something happens and it reminds you of them. My parents have been gone for decades and I still think of them every day. They were cremated and their ashes scattered, but I’ve never been to the location where we scattered the ashes since.
Your sister doesn’t control you. She’s weaponizing your grief and your guilt as a means of keeping you subordinate. Why would you fly to another country to look at a headstone? Your mother is with you always. She’s so proud of you and if she was anything like my mother would have totally expected you to live your life and celebrate as you want. You’ve done something brilliant and your sister doesn’t seem to get that life moves on.
Your sister was 20 when your mom died. How she deals with her grief is entirely her business. You were a child, how you deal with it is yours.
I don’t know if your sister has taken on the mom role and still thinks you have to obey her. Even is she was your actual mom you are an adult who can make their own decisions. You need to talk to her and tell her you are grown now and can make your own choices in life. and that includes not flying to put flowers on a grave of a woman who is always with you anyway. If you were in the home country on a visit then absolutely go put flowers on the grave as a sign of respect. But my mother would have haunted me for wasting money to make a specific trip unnecessarily.
NTA. Its ok to grieve differently. If seeing her grave is meaningful then go when YOU want to go on YOUR schedule. Celebrate your accomplishments and mourn your loss as you see fit as long as youre not hurting anyone and you’re not.
Nta.
You’re an adult and your mother isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. If you want to spend some time with your boyfriend, do that; you’ve earned it. It’s not your sister’s decision, and your mom would want you to be doing things that make you happy.
Mom is dead. She would want you to get on with living your life. Visit her grave when YOU are ready. Sister needs to chill.
The grave is just where the body is buried. Your mother isn’t there. You can miss her and talk to her anywhere. You can talk to a photo. You can light a candle. You can lie on the grass in your favourite park and watch the clouds while you talk to her… put a headset/earbuds in, hold your phone and people will think you’re on the phone!
If you don’t feel the need to visit a headstone to talk to her, then don’t worry about it. Your sister felt it was important to her, and so she did what was right *for her*. You should do what is right *for you*. And if that is putting off going to the gravesite for a while, then do that. Do you think your mother would prefer you to celebrate and enjoy yourself after graduation or would she rather you go somewhere that you will feel constrained to be miserable and sad instead? I know what I’d prefer my own kids do… as a matter of fact, I don’t want a gravestone or marker because I don’t want to be part of some annual mourning pilgrimage on my birthday the way my mother behaves with her parents’ graves.
NTA.
My mother died just over a year ago.
She’s buried about 5 minutes drive from my dad’s house, and I visit him every week.
I haven’t been to her grave since the funeral. Neither have my sisters.
He’s been once, and only because my aunt (her sister) wanted to go.
We haven’t even chosen a headstone yet.
She’s not there. It’s not a place with any importance to me.
I think about her all the time, when I’m somewhere she loved, or doing something she taught me to do, or just hear or see something cool that reminds me of her.
If a grave isn’t important to you, it isn’t important to you. Your sister can have feelings: she can’t make you share them, and shouldn’t judge that you don’t.
Everyone grieves and celebrates in their own way.
It’s baffling for your sister to expect you to visit the grave on her terms. Also, sorry, she passed away eight years ago. Not eight weeks ago.
If I’m going to pretend for a minute I’ll somehow hear my children from the great beyond, I’d rather them visit me after such an awesome international trip and tell me all about it.
Are you from a culture that holds some real significance in honoring the dead? I get it if your sister is reminding you it’s a milestone moment for you so you should visit your mom. However if there’s no specific anniversary date attached you can plan the trip for later in the year/next year etc. In that circumstance the intent is just as important as anything else.
You grieve on your own time in your own way. Your sister should not be guilt tripping you to do so.
Take the vacation, you deserve it.
NTA. My little brother passed away a little over 36 years ago and I have not once been to his grave site. He isn’t there! I couldn’t stomach the idea of visiting his grave when it is just the “shell” of him. I have never forgotten him and our time as his big sister and I grieve for him every year on his birthday and on the day he died. I came to that spot after many years but I will never regret not going to his grave.
NTA, your mom is always with you. You don’t need to go to a cemetery to honor her.
NTA. No one can dictate how you grieve. Your sister can zip it. If she needs company in her grieving, she can find someone else or a therapist. And for someone who only went to visit the grave one more time than you, she really doesn’t have much of a soap box to stand on.
I personally am not a fan of visiting graves. The person I loved is not there. It’s just a hole in the ground with a box in it and a marker. The person I loved is in all the little things I have of theirs and in all my memories of them. You do not need to visit a gravesite to honor your mother. Tell your sister to take a hike.
Your sister is trying to ruin your trip and enjoyment. She’s jealous of your life.
If she’s willing to pay, you and she can take a trip to your mother’s grave together, at another time.
NTA. There is no point in spending the money to visit your mother’s grave if you get nothing out of it. There are other ways to remember her.
Each person heals in their time and you are not ready yet
Your sister shouldn’t tell you what to do, much less make you feel guilty.
Live your life, be happy and then when you are ready do what you have to do
Grieving is a deeply personal thing, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all situation. The last thing you need is a guilt trip on top of everything.
Nta. How about going lc with your sister for awhile.
Also who is she to tell you how to spend your money?
I think your sister is strangely judgmental. How much older than you is she? Are you dependent on her for financial support?
This seems like an unfair imposition on you: the trip is with your boyfriend.
Your mothers spirit is with you wherever you are. Visiting her grave is not needed to feel close to her.
I’m a mum.
If you were my child I would tell you to go on your trip and have a wonderful time.
I would say congratulations, you make me proud every day. Then I would tell you to live your life to the fullest and enjoy every minute.
I would tell you that I don’t want you to sit at my grave because I’m not there. I’m with you every moment of every day, in your heart.
NTA.
NTA. For some reason your sister is bitter and jealous of you and she’s trying to use guilt to throw shade on your joy. Your mom is in your heart and you best honor her memory by living a happy life. Her grave isn’t going anywhere, you don’t need to link a visit to some life milestone.
The only thing that is in there is her body she isn’t there anymore so I don’t know why your sister is so hell bent on ruining your accomplishment
NTA. I’m 45 and rarely visit my father’s grave when I visit the state he is buried in, but I talk to his spirit all the time. Visiting a grave is damn painful.
NTA. You don’t have to go to her grave to visit weather. I talked to my mom every now and then I just talked to myself maybe I’ll look at a picture of her and talk to her. My mom is about 5-Hour drive away right now. She’s cremated and buried. But I don’t feel a need to go there. I’ve been there once and she’s been gone 20 years. Now I didn’t know where she was at first because she had donated her body to sign so I had to track those people down and find out where they put their ashes as my dad never requested them. So at least I know where she is now I’m happy. But you do what works for you you don’t have to go see her before you go on your trip that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard
I’ve never visited my mom’s grave. Not because I didn’t love her but because the graveyard became the go to place for gang and criminal activity. I have never forgotten her. It’s been 20 years and I still miss her.
NTA. Everyone mourns differently. You can visit your mom’s gravestone you want. Your sister should stay out of it.
Also, do you really believe going to her grave changes anything? If you believe in an afterlife you can talk to your mom anywhere. Congratulations on your graduation. Mom would be proud.
I don’t say this to be cruel but you wouldn’t be “going to see mom” you’d be going to visit a rock with her name on it. If she was living, I would still say you should celebrate how you want. You’re allowed to be happy and proud and celebrate, and doing that doesn’t mean you don’t miss your mom. You’re also allowed to mourn and grieve in your own way too – maybe your sister needs to see the grave but that doesn’t have to be your way. NTA
Random people telling you what to do and how to live your life is never good. Just tell your sister you stopped there, how is she ever going to know? Also ask yourself this; would my mom really care if I didn’t go? I bet she would want you to go on a nice trip you’ll actually enjoy instead of spending money to go look at some grass she’s buried under. Good luck. NTA
NTA — Your sister’s nutso rationale may work for her, but not for you. If going with BF on a trip would bring you joy, do it. Celebrate!
Thus is my answer to people when I don’t go to my parents’ grave sight:
My mom’s not going anywhere, and I talk to her every day.
I am not the type who has to sit at a headstone. I visit with my parents every time I see a train (my dad loved trains), and every time I see a mallord duck (hey mom!)
Go with your boyfriend and celebrate!
My husband, mom and dad all passed within 4 years of each other about 10 years ago. I went to the cemetery a few years ago and they didn’t even show up. I just quit going there and no one has haunted me. My brother passed in 1992 and sometimes hides jewelry in plain sight just to mess with me.
NTA everyone mourns differently and at different times
NTA
People grieve differently. Just because your sister finds peace in visiting a grave doesn’t mean you do. For the record you do not owe your mother’s tombstone anything.
Example: by aunt and uncle are buried about an hour away. They had 3 kids. The son goes to visit every holiday, birthday and anniversary. The sisters have not gone once. He finds peace in that, they do not.
My parents were cremated. I have small urns for both. My sister wanted the majority of my mother’s ashes. My dad was scattered in the property he was deeply attached to. I dust them and move them around. She talks to hers. I don’t believe my mother exists in those ashes. If I could still go to the property my dad is at, I would feel more connected to him, than the urn I have.
You need to live your life. You should not be anchored to a tombstone.
Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
by Mary Elizabeth Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Tell your sister that you haven’t got the money to book a Guilt trip & a holiday. None of her business how you miss or come to terms with her passing, no matter what you’re going through. She is still in the raise little sister like mom would have. That’s fine, but, yur growd up.
Your sister wants to dictate your life.
I have never felt the need to go visit the grave sites of any loved ones. They are not actually there. If you don’t feel the need to go, don’t go. That’s a waste of money and time off.
Your sister is a bully. You are an adult who has just had a milestone year. Celebrate it anyway you like.
Light a candle, for mom, in every church you go to while vacationing with your BF. I know your mom would want you to be enjoying your life.
Go visit your mom’s grave when you can… she’s not going anywhere soon. She exists mostly in you mind and memory…
A grave site or cemetery are for the living. Only the body or remains of the deceased are there. You won’t hurt their feelings if you don’t visit them.
You would not be “visiting your mother;” you would be visiting the place where her Earthly avatar is interred.
You can visit your mother’s memory wherever you are. Just close your eyes and remember the time you were together.
While ‘visiting’ relatives in cemeteries is very much a part of many cultures; it’s performative. If some take solace in it, they are free to do so. It is an intensely personal practice and shouldn’t be an expectation or guilt trip material.
I personally don’t feel any connection to grave sites or ashes. When I am gone do what you want with my ashes. Toss them, trash them, bury them or shrine them, makes zero difference to me. I miss my parents, grandparents, in laws and talk to them regularly wherever I am when I think of them, I have no need to go some where special to honour them, I honour them all the time, everywhere I am and know that they would want me to remember them and honour them as I do rather than make pilgrimages out of guilt or duty that really serve no purpose in my opinion.
YNTA
NTA. You can carry something of your mom’s when you go. You can toast to your mom anytime. This is your accomplishment and you go celebrate you. Everyone grieves differently. Your sister doesn’t need to pass her grief off on you.
NTA, everyone grieves differently. Go enjoy your trip without any guilt.
This is a happy trip gifted to you by a 3rd party. It’s tacky to make your boyfriend who is paying for the trip go to this country to make your older sister feel appropriate. Your mother’s soul is eternal and it not at the grave site. That might feel like an empty and sad place.
I am not a person who visits graves. I carry my mom and dad with me in my heart wherever I am. I talk to my mom when I feel the need. Other members of my family feel differently. That’s okay. You do not need to visit someone’s grave to miss them and love them.
NTA
i miss my parents terribly. I do sometimes go to my home state, but I don’t make a special trip to my hometown to visit their grave. if I do go to that town, I stop by their grave briefly.
I just don’t care about people’s gravesites! They aren’t there.
When I was a kid, we didn’t go to cemeteries. The only time I’ve sent flowers to my grandmother’s grave was the first anniversary of her death, and that was because I thought my grandpa might visit the grave and I would want him to see them.
Why is your sister even giving you input to where your boyfriend is going to tsk you on vacation. Enjoy your vacation and then visit her grave when you can mentally prepare. As for you sister less is more with communication if she’s gonna give her opinion without being asked.
NTA. You have to visit your mom’s grave after every achievement? That’s how your sister deals with it. Not you.
Go on vacation.
NTA
I’m a Mom.
This is what you reply:
“Mom is always in my heart. 💜 She was with me every step of the way during school and with me when I walked onstage at my Graduation. She will be with me in my heart 💜 when I go on Vacation.”
Your mother loved you.💜
She will always be in your heart, so a part of her will always be with you and loving that you have accomplished so much in your Life.
She would be happy that you are so happy.
She would tell you to be cautious when visiting other countries and to read up on their laws, and to always be aware of your surroundings to ensure that you are safe while traveling. And to make sure you give a trusted friend your itinerary so that someone where you live knows that you are safe.
Congratulations on your Graduation!
Enjoy your vacation! 💜
You’re 21, and that means you can do wtf you want!! Your sister doesn’t get to tell you she’s disappointed that you aren’t visiting your mother’s grave. Keep reinforcing that you’re not ready for such a heavy trip; after just finishing 4 years of college, you need a vacation!!
For some people, a burial place is of great importance, for others, not. For me, it’s meaningless. You & your sister on this fact, and it’s OK if you don’t put as much importance on your mothers burial place as she does.
Go on your graduation trip. When you are ready, you will go visit your mothers grave.
NTA
A grave is just a grave, it’s not really necessary for you to ever go there again if you don’t want to- it doesn’t change the importance of your relationship with your mom or her legacy. Your sister ITAH for projecting her grief onto you.
Honestly I haven’t visited my dad at all and it’s been almost a year. I do think about him and sometimes I talk to him but I don’t need to visit his final resting place to do so.
Your sister doesn’t get to dictate how you mourn, grieve, or visit your mom. You do it when you feel good about it. NTA.
Nta. Two sisters, two different mental health states.
Go on your own timing, she’s not your boss. Things that work for you, won’t work for you.
If she keeps bringing it up, tell her to stop harassing you about it. If you go this time, then she will EXPECT you to go, whenever she makes a statement to go…on her timeline.