I (M, 35) have been with my girlfriend (F, 37) for about 1.5 years. At first things were amazing, but living together showed me some hard truths.
The last straw: she suggested to a long-time male acquaintance (they’ve known each other since high school — he used to be obsessed with her friend, and they often joked about it) that he buy her feet pics. He didn’t directly ask her, but she pushed the idea herself. She told me before sending any pics, but when I said that crossed a line, she dismissed me as “butthurt” before later claiming her intentions were good.
The problem isn’t just this convo — it’s a pattern:
• She stopped birth control without telling me.
• Overpaid the mortgage downpayment, wiping out her emergency fund.
• Applied for surrogacy “just for info” and did an agency interview even though I was not onboard.
• Skipped work frequently, leaving me covering bills after I told her I couldn’t.
• Left me to move her stuff from her old house into our new house alone while she went to a do a photo shoot for clients.
Every time I set a boundary, she either dismisses me or swings into begging and bargaining (even offering “you can sleep with someone else if it keeps us together”). I feel like I’ve poured myself dry while begging for the bare minimum — loyalty, consistency, accountability.
I don’t believe she’ll change. I believe she’ll just get better at hiding things. So I ended it.
AITA for walking away when she didn’t technically cheat, or was I right to see this as the writing on the wall?
Comments
NTA. She didn’t “technically cheat,” but she repeatedly showed you she has zero respect for your boundaries or your partnership.
Stopping birth control without telling you? Huge violation. Pushing you to fund her choices without consulting you? Another. Suggesting selling feet pics to a guy she knows while brushing off your discomfort? That’s not a misunderstanding, that’s a pattern of dismissing you.
You’re not wrong for ending it. Relationships aren’t just about not cheating, they’re about trust, respect, and shared values. If the bare minimum feels like begging, then you already had your answer. Walking away was protecting yourself, not being “butthurt.”
AH? No, but kind of petty. To each his own, I suppose.
NTA. When people show you who they really are, believe them. In life, you need to draw a line in the sand otherwise someone else will and you might not like where they draw it. Time to move on.
You didn’t walk away because of potential cheating. You walked away from an unstable and abusive relationship. Relationships without boundaries are abusive and manipulative. Glad you didn’t sink more than 1.5 yrs into this. Grief is normal when you end things but don’t go back. NTA
NTA
Anyone who dismisses your concerns out of hand is not listening and therefore doesn’t care- about you.
You saw clearly what she was about! Do not second guess yourself. You did the best thing for your own wellbeing. Don’t let her become your problem (because she will if you stay) there are so many women out there – with a better head on their shoulders.. that would want to be with you, and available! With the stuff this girls pulled- Don’t waste anymore time and do not to take her back. NTA
Cheating isn’t the only valid reason for breaking up with someone. You can actually break up with someone for any reason if the relationship is not working for you anymore. You could break up with her because you don’t like the way she cuts the crusts off her sandwiches and it’s the last straw for you. You don’t owe anyone your time and attention if they make you miserable.
Insecure men missing opportunities to make a bag with their girl. Really a big L there.
Nta- this is a pattern of behavior. Honestly, you have a list of reasons to break up.
Sounds like a serious conversation is in order. Trust and communication are key .
You are absolutely NTA. This isn’t about one “feet pics” comment, it’s about a consistent pattern of disrespect, disregard for boundaries and reckless decision, making that directly impacts you.
Stopping birth control without telling you -> serious breach of trust and bodily autonomy
Overpaying on the house and draining her savings -> financial recklessness, you’re now expected to shoulder
Applying for surrogacy without your consent -> major life choice, she tried to unilaterally push
Skipping work while expecting you to cover bills -> irresponsibility and entitlement
Dismissing your feelings as “butthurt” instead of listening -> invalidating your boundaries
The “you can sleep with someone else if it keeps us together” is just desperation to avoid accountability, not an actual solution. You didn’t break up over feet pics. You broke up because she repeatedly showed you she won’t respect you, your voice in the relationship, or the stability of your shared life. That’s not sustainable, and you were right to recognize the writing on the wall.
Better to leave now than waste years hoping someone will become who they’ve already proven they’re not.
Some people are agents of chaos. You just broke up with one.
“A photoshoot for clients.”.
Why am I picturing the scene in 8 mile where Wink is clapping the cheeks of Rabbits girl (Brittany Murphy)?
NTA, you are right, and truth is you don’t know what she is hiding, that is the problem with the behavior.
Prolly an unpopular opinion,but let her make that cheddar tho fr.
NTA from what I get from the story I think shes already sleeping with someone else why would she say you could sleep someone else and the surrogacy that’s a completely different thing and shes done more
Why are you still with her?
“You can sleep with someone else if it keeps us together” like that’s a good idea? This says a lot about her mentality and not good things.
NTA
You should have left when she crossed the first boundary.
You should have screwed a few of her friends before leaving, but goon on you. Not the a hole.
Why haven’t you set a boundary for yourself? Don’t date people who are scammers, liars, cheats and who are trying to use you? Dump her. there is better out there. Next time, when someone waves a red flag over and over, believe them.
NTA Kinda can’t believe you wrote all those words and didn’t come to this conclusion on your own.
Nta
Tldr if she is suggesting it she probably already did it and wants to see your reaction
Tldr if she is suggesting it she probably already did it and wants to see your reaction
NTA. You’re not married. You owe her nothing. Part of dating is learning if you’re compatible or not. Wanting to end a relationship because you’re not happy in it? Who wouldn’t?
She’s full of red flags. Good for you for noticing them.
Go and live your best life.
Stopping birth control without telling you…..you should have broken up with her the moment you found out. She’s trying to baby trap you. NTA.
I’m surprised at how people don’t realize or have any remote sense of clear violations of boundaries and clear disrespect. When did all of this blatant bad behavior become so normalized that we have to goto a message board for confirmation? At 37 years of age is she just so desperate for money that she’s willing to disrespect you like that? You need to get her out of your life pronto.
Thats married couple stuff. Perhaps doing it because you set boundaries