My parents are divorced and in their divorce agreement they both agreed to help pay for my college. Normally parents do not have to do that, but in their case it is written into the agreement. I recently found this out and I was excited because college is very expensive and at least some of that stress is off of me. I will still have to pay for living costs, food, school supplies, and then med school later on, but tuition itself is covered.
I told my friend about it and she got upset. She said it is unfair because she has to work and save every summer just to cover a couple of years and she will probably still be in debt afterwards while I get it for free. She also told me that I have mentioned it before which I haven’t and that it feels like I am rubbing it in her face.
From my point of view I was not bragging at all. I was just sharing something exciting the same way she shares good things with me (except I always respond in a cheery manner even if it makes me feel upset). I honestly thought she would be happy for me. Instead she told me not to mention it anymore because everything we talk about always ends in a fight.
Now I feel like I cannot talk about things in my life without her getting upset. (This has happened on numerous occasion) At the same time I do not want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like her hard work is not valid. So AITA for talking about my parents paying for my college?
Comments
It’s hard to be struggling when your friends are not. Give her some time but if she continues to be mean to you about it I don’t think she’s a real friend.
NTA. And most likely this friendship will not last.
NTA, but I would honor her wishes. Plus it’s best not to let people know how much money you have, in a way this is kind of the same thing. People will expect things from you if they perceive you have more money than they do. Not all people of course, some people.
NTA dude college is expensive af. i’d be screaming from the rooftops if mine was paid for. ur friend might be jealous but thats not on u
NTA. I understand both sides but you aren’t an asshole for this. It is a privilege to have parents who have the means to take care of your tuition costs, I am fortunate enough to have parents who go above and beyond for school/living costs. I have a job and try to contribute as much as possible but they want me to focus on my studies. I recognize this is a blessing. I also have many friends in college who are struggling financially and working multiple jobs and they absolutely struggle harder than me financially and socially because of it.
It’s not “unfair”, everyone comes from different backgrounds with different opportunities and sometimes we do not get the upper hand. It is unfortunate that your friend will have to work more and potentially deal with debt but that is not your fault or problem.. I see her frustration but I also don’t agree with the friend feeling like you can’t talk about what’s going on in your life because it will upset her.. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around her emotions.
I mean, maybe don’t bring it up as often if you feel like that will help. Especially if you are “gloating” or rubbing it in at the wrong times or anything, then that’s probably why she is irritated. If she’s talking about struggling with payments, PLEASE do not say shit like “oh god im so glad my parents are paying for that so i dont have to worry”. She is likely projecting some resentment and jealousy, internally it has nothing to do with you so try not to take it personal and just show empathy towards her situation. You can acknowledge your privilege and still be an understanding and supportive friend. (and in saying that, she also needs to accept that her struggles are not your fault)
Life isn’t fair but best to keep your fortunes to yourself, especially in college
I get being happy about this but why do you have to talk about it multiple times with someone you know will be struggling? Especially if this convo is not coming up organically? You say this has happened multiple times and it makes me think you’re the type to humble brag.
Your friend sounds a bit jealous, but thats not on you!! You are very lucky, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOUR FINANCIAL BUSINESS. It never ends well.
Don’t talk about how much money you have, or make, or save, or spend. EVER
People are not happy that you have more than they do. Especially if you talk about it.
Yeah you probably needed to keep that to yourself .
NTA but mentioning it once is enough. With that said, your friend is insecure and taking out her frustrations on the wrong person. She shouldn’t be mad at you, she should be happy you don’t have to go through what she does. That’s if she was a real friend. I
Never tell people about your good financial news. It will never be met with the reaction you hoped for.
NTA – some people have never been taught that you can be both happy for someone else and also mad at your own situation at the same time… without taking it out on another person.
NTA because the friend has to know that every person she meets at college has a different story. Some have college funds, some have scholarships, others take on huge amounts of debt and others work full time and take a time road to earn their degree. She may be struggling, but that is not the fault of any other student, including OP.
OP, you also learned an important lesson earlier on. Don’t discuss finances, yours or your family’s, with anyone unless it is someone you plan to marry, and even then wait until you are 100 percent sure. If your friend can’t get past this, don’t stress about it. Focus on your own studies and college experience.
She’s not your real friend if it was the first time I say she probably stressed about it but since she does it a lot I think she is jealous of you and will resent you I see post all the time about it and she will make your life harder cause she keep bringing up that you had it easy or make snide comments I would let the friendship fade
YTA you don’t discuss your finances with anyone like this. It’s not their business and yes it’s like you’re bragging. You aren’t sharing good news of an accomplishment you’re bragging that your first 4 yrs are covered financially. Yeah she’s happy for you but she’s responsible for a huge bill and doesn’t want to hear how you have it easy. You do t discuss your finances with people. It’s tacky and classless.
Your “friend” exhausts me and I’ve never even met her. If you want to keep this relationship, you will obviously have to tiptoe around any topic that might upset her. I hope you’ve been keeping a list.
She could have handled it differently. I paid for my college education and it was rough. I also have friends who had their parents pay and I think that’s great for them.
NTA. The friend is jealous. My mom had a 529 plan set up for me when I went to college. I went to an in state school partially because I knew the tuition would be covered for all four years and I would need to pay for books and room and board. Did I advertise that I was going to school for a lot less than my other peers? No, but no one asked and I didn’t volunteer that information.
She’s not that good of a friend if she’s jealous because your parents are paying for your college education like a lot of parents do. My parents paid for my older sister’s college until my mom got sick and they had bills that insurance wouldn’t pay for. I was the middle child and chose to go to a community college to save some money and I also worked to pay for some other necessities myself. My younger brother went to a trade college out of state. I also had a boyfriend that I didn’t want to leave and we did get married had 2 kids and were married 36 years together 44 until he got sick and passed away. Fk CANCER!!
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Speaking from experience, bad move. NTA but bad move. They’ll start to treat you differently. Telling anyone that you don’t have to worry about loans never ends well because they start to resent you because you don’t have to struggle like they do.
I discussed it with roommates back when I was in college after we were all talking about it, I mentioned that I didn’t have to worry because my parents covered it. From that point on, if we did anything or had to put in for a shared expense, they’d make comments about how I should put in more because I’m privileged/rich.
And as for “ fair” or “ not fair” – it is what it is.
She sounds immature. You having parents to pay for your college isn’t fair or unfair. It is just what it is. And you mentioning it casually once doesn’t make you an asshole.
But honestly you probably wanna distance yourself from her because she sounds pretty toxic and insecure. Anyone who can’t stop comparing what they have to what others has is somebody that honestly only cares about themselves.
Life isn’t fair, your friend better get used to it.
NTA. You probably didn’t mean to be ugly. And you weren’t. But you need to mind your mouth. That girl has no reason to know anything about your parents divorce decree. Learn to Mind Your Mouth.
NTA only because you meant no harm. But don’t share financial stuff like this. That said, your friend is not much of a friend if she can’t be happy for you. It’s not like your fortune is at her expense. People who can’t stand to have good things happen to others do not make good friends. Misery loves company is a lousy philosophy.
Yeah people get jealous. You didn’t do anything wrong but jealousy can really ruin friendships. You’ll still be paying room and board. So it’s not like you are bragging.
Nta sounds like she has issues … make new friends
Good friends are happy for their friends when good things happen to them. Your friend’s jealousy is just gross and selfish. NTA
I had to put down my cat who kept getting deathly constipated due to a broken hip and eating chipmunks caused. I was resentful at the world. I took him to the vet to euthanize him. Three days later, on a long drive home, my bro-in-law shared that he had to take family dogs out to the woods and shoot them when the time came.
Your friend has to realize there are people in the world who have it worse and better than she.
Don’t tell your friends anything about what your parents do for you. You don’t show up after Christmas break bragging about your gifts and you don’t talk about them paying for school, rent, phone etc. You never know what your friends are going through. They may not have a supportive family and will then resent you for what you may have.
NTA. Just keep your private business to yourself.
NTA. Don’t share those things with her.
If you were broke fasa would help you.
Nothing wrong with making sure your kids are fed and have a place to go to school.
NTA. That’s a huge relief and it makes sense you’d want to share it. Your friend is projecting her stress about her own situation onto you which is unfair but also kind of human. She’s struggling and hearing your good news hit a nerve. I’d just avoid bringing it up around her again and lean on other friends or family when you want to talk about it. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong she’s just not in a place to hear it right now.
My take… True friends love to see their friends win. This is a win. Instead of being happy for you She made it about herself and shit on you.
This is someone I personally would quietly ghost. If she comes back and apologizes that’s another story..
Just my thoughts.
NTA because you are young. But this is a lesson: keep your finances private. If a very close friend asks it’s ok to say “I get some help from my parents “ but the details should be kept private.
Similarly, keep this in mind in the work world after college. If you do go to medical school you will find a lot of wealthy people as your fellow students. Unfortunately changes in the US economy over the past 40 years has skewed admissions towards wealthier people. (Not everyone but do some research and you’ll see). You might feel a little out of place when some students go skiing over winter break while you pick up some extra cash on a temp job. You may also encounter students from really rough circumstances. So be discreet.
Hopefully your friend will calm down about it. Otherwise the friendship may not last and don’t mention it again to that person. Some people don’t take things like this well.
We paid for our son’s 4 year tuition. His friends and our friends knew because people talk about this. Some of them did the same and some of them either worked or took loans. My kid also worked a part time job the entire time he was in school and lived at home to help offset the other expenses while some of his friends ended up at out of town out of state colleges. He was envious (it’s human nature) as we couldn’t afford to pay for room and board type college for him and it was his choice to either stay home and go to a local 4 year school or take loans out for what we couldn’t pay for.
You know you did nothing wrong. You were excited about something and told it to a friend and honestly it sounds like it would not matter what you did. Seriously, if you’d have said you qualified for some little Grant that she hadn’t heard about, she’d be mad that you heard about it and didn’t tell her so she could apply. Some people find fault with everything.
Welcome to the real world.
Remember out in the real world things are not even they’re not fair. Everyone doesn’t get the exact same thing. Some people’s parents saved for their education. Some people’s parents had higher paying jobs. Some people’s parents inherited something from family members that had passed away. And some people’s parents are poor and it’s never going to be even. Getting an education is a way to hopefully give yourself a better chance to do better the rest of your life. A chance to learn something that will help you get a job that is higher paying, putting you on a career path.
Every generation works hard to try and make sure the next generation does better. We all want our children to have an easier life than we do.
I mean everybody went to kindergarten. They had paper and crayons and pencils and everybody learned the same things as you got older. Some kids were really really good at math and some kids could draw and some kids always did great at spelling. Some kids were okay and everything but not super great. Some kids seem to learn easy and yes along the way. Some parents put in extra time with their kids to help them learn or paid for tutors or extra classes. Picked summer camps where they learned things or took them to museums, historical landmarks and some parents had all they could do to work and keep a roof over the kids And food on the table. And some parents have addictions and health issues and kids had to learn how to handle the household chores and cook a meal and do laundry before other kids had to.
The thing is by the time you graduate high school it’s not it’s equal as it was in kindergarten.
A lot of people have gone back to a statement saying all men are created equal and for the most part when someone is born you’re pretty much all equal. Problem is you don’t all go into equal households with equal benefits. You don’t all have parents that are equally as intelligent or educated or financially stable. So will all men might be created equal after that? It’s the Lock of the draw. On top of that it’s how bad you want it. How hard you work.
How many people have really great jobs and careers started out with families that couldn’t afford to put a nickel towards their education but they went out. They worked part-time jobs the whole time they were in school. They lived on ramen. They studied their butts off. And yeah they graduated with death and then worked hard to pay it off and now they are Head and shoulders above people who were lucky enough to have parents that could pay for their education. They didn’t have to work. They didn’t have to worry about money and they spent their time in college. Partying and I got a degree but you didn’t really learn anything and wouldn’t have a job if a family member didn’t own the company and they’ll never be more than that.
You’re lucky the parents felt the education was important and made sure to include the fact that they both had to do things that would help with your education. It doesn’t make you smarter. It just means that maybe you won’t have as big a debt when you graduate. As far as your friend not having that advantage, what are you supposed to do? I mean if you’re saying it everyday and bragging about it constantly then yeah I’d get a little frustrated with you too. But if you honestly have only ever mentioned it once that you feel so blessed to have this advantage and it means you can spend more time studying. You can take more classes and maybe finish a little earlier LOL. Get a part-time job here and there and there and put a little money away so that when you graduate you have a little cushion so you can buy a little better vehicle so you can maybe rent a nicer place or who knows but maybe have enough money to put a down payment on something.
Those are things you have to decide, but it’s not your problem that that person does not have money from their parents. Instead, they’re going to take out loans, work part-time and scrimp and save. But it’s not your fault. You didn’t create that situation and you have no reason to feel guilty. You have just been lucky. And anyone that tries to make you feel guilty because you’ve been lucky. I would be very careful of too many people when they have. Good luck have somebody who complains that they didn’t have it and things will happen. Like you’ll notice your favorite pen missing and then see them using it and it’ll be oh gee you have everything paid for you and now you’re even going to worry about a pen for somebody who has to take out a loan or you’ll decide to go out for coffee and they’ll say well you get it because you’re Mr. Richie Rich. You’re getting everything paid for so you can afford to treat. So be very very careful. Often people who say you’re bragging and complain that you’re lucky and they have to struggle eventually use that to guilt you into paying for things that you shouldn’t have to be paying for.
Congratulations and I hope you do well. Just you’re not responsible for supporting people who aren’t as lucky as you. You do not owe other people part of the money that you’ve got just because they don’t have it.
Quit sharing your financial history with people!!!!! Just stop!
She’s not a friend. A good friend would be happy for you. She can join the military if she wants free education.
Nta: but you will be if you INSIST on speaking about your financial situation who those that dont fund it.
She’s not really a worthy friend. Hopefully, in college you can meet some new friends.
NTA but please learn – it’s really risky socially to share positive information about money. People have lots of sympathy for those who are struggling and empathize. But like you, when I corrected someone in law school who assumed that I – a child of immigrants – was there on loans and struggling and instead admitted my parents were covering my expenses entirely (education was everything to them) he verbally and physically exploded. Started slamming books, swearing. I think it really triggered him because he thought we were in the same situation and he had shared that he was trying to help his parents who were about to lose their home only to discover that I was one of the “useless” spoiled kids he was resentful of. He was totally out of line of course to behave that way but even for those who aren’t quite so extreme It’s a really touchy subject.
Life isn’t fair. There are other ways she can pay for college. Getting good grades for scholarships is one. Plenty of options for her if she’s willing to take them. Your friends should be happy for you, not jealous.
It’s tacky to tell people about your positive financial positions because most people don’t share the good fortune. But, it’s not “unfair”. There are probably 3.5 billion people better off than me in this world. If I dwelled on this being unfair, I’d be a pretty miserable person.
My parents and my grandparents paid 100% of my college (granted I just went to the local college and lived at home, but still)
NTA lol tell her sorry next time you’ll lie about everything so she doesn’t get upset