First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/iu3xB34ldh
Second post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/hD8w3cAp3D
Hi, a few people had DM’ed me asking if I was doing well. This is just my final update.
First of all, I may have been rude in lashing out at the comments on my last post for not having said all that stuff on my first post. It was honestly my fault to have taken advice on this issue based on anonymous comments, rather than go to someone I trust, even if that meant I’m telling them about my marital issues which is something I’d always been taught to avoid.
I’d decided that while I wouldn’t invalidate my feelings, I wouldn’t bring it up again unless I felt uncomfortable again and just trust my husband to handle it. And over the past few days, I didn’t have any reason to bring it up again, the frequency really has decreased. In fact he was the one who brought it up when his phone had pinged, and I brought it to him and saw it was her texting him. I wasnt going to bring it up because the texts had become few and far in between, but he started the topic and said that he had toned down their closeness for me. I thanked him and said it was good of her to be understanding too, he said he’d just told her it was all good, that it was a misunderstanding, but he’d just reduced the frequency of contact on his own side for me, because he knew her that she’d feel terrible about having caused issues and why punish her for our issues. And she is his coworker and an acquaintance, so I get his pov, that why make it messy. But I’m happy with where we are, as difficult as this may have been and I’m glad he was able to move past me using the phrase emotional affair too.
Comments
I wish you the best with everything.
I mean if you want to be purposely delusional, then congratulations I guess?
This sounds like a difficult situation for you, and it’s good that you are happy where you are.
But I have to point out that my take on all this is that he DARVO’d you. It’s shorthand for some classic abuser responses, it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your husband didn’t do all of those but he did make himself the victim, to the point where you had to apologize repeatedly for calling what he did an emotional affair (which it actually was!). His denying that it was an emotional affair and then acting like the victim turned this situation away from his inappropriate behavior (having the emotional affair) to yours (accurately naming what he did). Neat trick.
I hope I am wrong but I suspect that either he will get better at hiding his external affairs and/or you will get blamed so hard for his behavior that you will start walking on eggshells to avoid his coldness or anger…like you already did.
My best advice for you is individual therapy to help you understand your own thought patterns and help you set boundaries that are healthy for you.
You are the only one here who really knows who you married, but I’d recommend talking to someone you fully trust and know will call you out when you’re wrong as well as defending and helping you when needed. Talk to that person who knows you and knows your husband, tell them everything and ask for their advice. Reddit is a good place to vent, but the advice is a 50/50 thing.
Me personally having read all your posts, I don’t necessarily see emotional affair. But if you are uncomfortable with how much they were texting and talking it was good you talked to him about toning it down, and while it would have been best if he had explained to this person that he wanted to help you feel comfortable by decreasing the communication so it wouldn’t be a daily occurrence, at least he’s fulfilling his end of the deal.
And honestly, I do understand how getting back in touch with old friends is, but if I remember correctly she was just an acquaintance and while it’s great, it’s not like they had history.
Personally single or in a relationship the only communication I have daily is sending memes or tiktok videos to a couple friends but they’re like funny things anyone can understand and watch and would never be trying to withhold them lol and in many cases I even say hey show this one to your partner/spouse because they’ll get a laugh out of it too. One friend shares them with her mom because she knows she’s going to enjoy them too. But is different to have the close long often conversations. I too have those with very close friends… Like once every few months maybe? Catching up kind of thing, never a daily occurrence because honestly even single I wouldn’t see the point of having continuous conversations with everyone on every daily occurrence, especially if I work with them.
I think it’s good that you realized you should best talk about this with someone you trust and who knows you. You still should because it seems you’re still feeling a little uneasy.
So you decided to let him get away with it.
OP, he is once again putting this all on you and not taking any accountability in this. He is acting like he is the victim and he is still protecting her. What should have happened is once he realized the relationship was making you uncomfortable, he should have voluntarily cooled things off with her. He could have easily toned things off with her without throwing you under the bus. He could have had a mature conversation with her to say that their relationship needs to stay as coworkers only and he won’t be answering texts when he is home as that is his family time. That he isn’t going to risk making his wife uncomfortable. No, she hasn’t mentioned anything but he feels it is getting into a territory he is uncomfortable with. Hopefully he is really doing a semi-ghosting of her and she picks up on it.
But he didn’t do that. He just said he did it for you and cooled it off with her so not to hurt her feelings. Also this way you have no idea what is actually happening with her, only what he tells you. You really do need marriage counseling because you have basically brushed everything under the rug to back to your comfortable status quo. I know you trust him. I pray he is worthy of that trust.
Unbelievable, another woman had him chewing at his phone & it cut into his marital home time & you’re happy? Oh yeah, and he pouted that he had to tone communication down with his girlfriend/female confidant. Ok, lady.
Did you turn to Reddit bc you’re not allowed to ask your friends for advice anymore? You know, because you don’t listen…
You are blind and you are setting yourself up for heartache. It’s painful to read you allowing yourself to be manipulated. I hope you’re right and I’m wrong. But I seriously doubt it.
Idk girl I don’t like it. But if you are happy then I’m happy.
So he’s pushed you in front of a bus to spare this rando chick? Okay…
I don’t think this will be the last update. Maybe the last one you post on Reddit, but this will without a doubt continue to spiral due to your husband’s actions and your lack there of.
I wish you the best, but man I feel bad for you.
Have a feeling this is not the final update. Ignorance is bliss..until it isn’t.
It is literally insane that you think this is reasonable.
Well I just wish you good luck. Though when the next red flag goes off and it will, do not ignore it. Married men should not be engaged in a situation like this.
This isn’t over. He’s just going to be more secretive of their relationship. Tone down their interaction is what you said. What he comprehended was minimize what you know. Boundaries aren’t negotiable. The fact you are uncomfortable with this situation and he refuses to adhere to your boundary tells you everything you need to know.
Nothing to see here folks! Hubby was kind enough to tell OP he has cut down on the amount of time he will spend maintaining his inappropriate relationship w/his co-worker, at least while OP is around. Turns out he’s really a decent guy who is willing to make this great sacrifice for OP…you know, his wife. Well, he also said he was cutting back on contact w/co-worker b/c he didn’t want to risk the co-worker becoming upset. Hubby is the just the best! OP will ride off into the sunset now & live happily ever after. (sigh) I love happy endings.
So his contribution to the conversation about your relationship was talking about this other woman’s feelings and how she doesn’t deserve the inconvenience of losing access to him