This is mainly a rant. Yesterday I made a post about my MIL telling me to go to college (it is still up so you can still see it, but I’ll delete it soon).
Anyway. She also brought a couple of outfits for my 6 month old, and after her mean comments yesterday I made the decision to stop inviting her over and to also return the clothes.
Another reason I am doing this is because she acts like she is the person entitled to give him anything. Clothes, toys, baby gear, I mean, anything. To the point that I don’t have space to get anything myself.
I love that my baby is loved, but not the fact that her gifts are actually a power move. When she brought the clothes, I said that I was actually about to stop by at the same store and get a couple of things as well. She froze and then said “oh but, no!” and tried to brush my idea away, in the sense that it’s almost wrong that I want to get clothes for my own son.
We’ve had a similar situation once where we were at a store together and, after I chose an outfit and was about to go pay for it, she yanked it out of my hands and ran to the cashier. I then said “well, if you are getting that than I’ll choose something else”, I am
not kidding when she literally told me “no, you’re not! why? I already got this one” and I was like… what? I can’t buy my son anything, but you can? She acts so entitled to it that I end up resentful of her and her endless outfits.
She also got clothes I wouldn’t usually get and then I have a hard time putting my baby in them. I have always kept them and forced myself to dress my baby with those clothes, but ever since yesterday I think it’s time to actually stand my ground. I wouldn’t mind if she didn’t act like it’s wrong when all I want is to have the same joy she has when buying clothes. Am I wrong here? Too petty?
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Not wrong or too petty. I gave in to this a little with my first then I too decided enough was enough and bought what I wanted. My MIL buys the MOST horrendous clothes, some are so bad my husband immediately puts them in our donate box. I return/exchange what I can but she rarely gives receipts. My payback has been to only put my children in the outfits from her on the days we see her so all the pictures she takes of them are in these monstrosities (which she of course finds adorable) then I immediately donate when we get home. But my hope is that one day she’ll be showing off a picture to someone and they’ll say something about the awful outfit and she’ll know it came from her 😂
Don’t go shopping with her… also tell her your baby doesn’t need more clothes and you have that covered…?
My MIL was the same way. I have her a bunch of the new clothes back, after she told me to donate it (I’m not making an extra trip to the thrift store if I don’t need to). She didn’t call for about 6 months. Win Win.
Stop telling her anything about shopping for baby, stop going shopping with her, period. Buy the clothes YOU want, dress your baby how YOU want.
When MIL shows up with clothes, keep the ones you want, donate the ones you don’t. If she asks why you’re buying clothes for your baby, turn it around – ask her: Didn’t you buy clothes or toys for your kids? Why would you want to deny me the joy and fun of shopping for my own child?
Honestly though, I’d stop sharing any info, pics or plans with her. Just grey rock and give her no room for her ridiculous comments, advice or opinions.
A good message for her is that she had her turn to raise her kids and buy them clothes when they were small. This is your turn and she needs to support you and not overstep or assert that certain responsibilities for your baby are not actually hers. There has been a link to a letter a DIL wrote to her mil about backing off – its DIL’s child, not mil’s do-over. Sorry not to have the link handy.
I would be returning or donating the clothes. Make sure she finds out. Also, tell her she’s not your boss. This is your baby not hers. If she throws as fit, she gets consequences. Time out for a week the first time with it doubling afterwards.
If you want to go back to college when the baby is older, go for it. Lots of universities have excellent childcare facilities for moms. If MIL throws a fit, say “and this is why we’re doing childcare. If you can’t regulate your emotions now, I’d never leave a toddler with anyone with no emotional control.” Toddlers, they will drive a sane person crazy.
I’m a grandmother telling you this.
Return them and get what you want. She’ll throw a fit, so be ready for “you’re so ungrateful“. So ask why you should be grateful. You’re being disregarded and steamrolled. She’s selfish.
My justnoMom behaves like this. She wants to “help” so she can be in a position of power. But by baby #3 my therapist started having me set boundaries so I tell her “look, I want to buy things for my children, it’s a point of pride that I can.” (She will try to hand me money too.) Or “I earmarked this money for me to spend, so I’m doing it.”
But what drives her nuts with my third child is that I don’t feel obligated to hang onto things anymore. I have an awesome consignment shop in my area, and there’s stuff that she buys that I hate, and I take them there. She once lost her mind because my daughter was old enough to “choose” her clothes, and I just hated something my daughter loved and I got rid of it. With babies 1&2 I wouldn’t have done that. I shrugged and told her “it’s my kid, it’s my house, I get to decide what to do with both.” “But you could have given it back!” “Nope, you gave a dress, and my daughter got a dress because you gave her the one I consigned. Thanks for making it possible to get this one!”
P.s. Something is started saying last May: I have the right to set boundaries around my kids. It totally threw her off.
Not wrong.
It’s time to take a break from her, otherwise her continued presence and rude behaviour WILL make you hate her.
“If you’re doing something I don’t want, you are not doing it FOR me, you’re doing it TO me.”
Okay you need to shove this woman back in her lane. Until she accepts that she is grandma and not competing with you for the role of mom, take a huge break from her! She doesn’t get to decide or comment on how your baby eats. She doesn’t get to comment on or decide what clothes you buy for, or ultimately dress your child in. She thinks at best you have equal say but honestly this all comes across more like she thinks she should get more say that you, she’s jealous you’re mom and she’s not, and she’s nasty to you to self sooth those feelings.
She’s using your kid as a do over baby.
you’re taking your power back. great job! keep it up. don’t fall victim to her tantrums. being grandma is a privilege and she’s ruined it.
She can buy whatever she wants. You are under no obligation to use it! Or even accept it. Say no thanks or immediately donate.
You’re absolutely not wrong to want to set boundaries. Your MIL sounds like is trying to make your baby her do-over baby or something. It does feel like a power play. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to take the clothes back and take a break from MIL. She’s being mean to you, and you have a baby! You have enough to worry about! Don’t feel guilty for standing up for yourself. It’s better to set boundaries now than to have your baby grow up watching his grandma bully his mom.
(PS, just FYI but the past tense of “to buy” is “bought” not “brought”. “Brought” is the past tense of “to bring”.)
I had a monster out law like this. She would buy my first (he used to be her favorite of my kids) a full wardrobe every season, piles of presents for Christmas, furniture and stuff she would build wrong so it broke right away etc, & do shit like redecorate his bedroom by herself because she was angry I took him on vacation to see my relatives. So much shit constantly. I had no room to put it anywhere and I was ungrateful if I didn’t want it. It’s a control thing like a dog peeing on their tree or spot of yard. She didn’t care if he liked the stuff or if god forbid I asked for it. Never.
It’s annoying for sure! My MIL used to buy my kids clothes when they were toddlers but they were never anything I would buy. I accepted the clothes though. I would just use them as their play clothes that I didn’t care if they got ruined lol.
When they were school aged, she would take them back-to-school shopping but the clothes she would pick out were clothes they didn’t like. They were too shy to say anything so they let her get whatever she wanted, then I would have to take them out again and buy them clothes they’d actually wear.
Of course everything she bought them had to have the words “grandma” or “daddy” on them lol
You certainly should be putting your child in clothes you don’t like. Resell or donate them
Put him in ‘her’ outfits and feed him blueberries, creamed spinach, red popsicles. Oops – they are ruined, better throw them out!
I think you might be overthinking this. It seems like she doesn’t want you to spend the money and would like to help you in this way. If you didn’t feel that it’s helpful for her to put money toward your baby in this way, maybe she can make contributions to a college account.
Shes jealous because you have a baby and she doesn’t. She keeps trying to push you aside so she can take over the mommy role. Give it all back to her or donate everything and anything she gives you.
Put a box in the corner of your living room and clearly label it “Donation”. As soon as she gives you something you don’t want, put in the box. Make sure she sees you do it. When you get around to it, take the contents to a consignment store to make some money, or donate it to an organization that provides help to new parents in need. You could also gift wrap the box and give it to a relative of hers for a baby shower or their baby’s birthday. OK, that part might be a bit too petty.
She will stop, or you will either have extra money or a small tax deduction for goods donated.
Donate it all! Don’t even look at them, just put it away for donation. The next time she makes a remark about you buying things just remind her that you’re the mum and you want to buy stuff, make sure your baby wears all the stuff you buy 🥰
I would really love if my in laws bought me baby stuff but purely out of laziness. I don’t feel like going out and getting anything. The difference is that it’s my choice. I understand feeling like you’re not being given a choice, so MAKE your own choices now. Don’t let her do it for you. Enjoy baby time, it’s such a short amount of time you should be living it up.
My MIL was like this. Every milestone or event was a moment she tried to take via clothing or costumes. She bought my baby a “I’m 6 months old” onesie, insisted baby was dressed in it and that I took photos. She was visibly angry that I bought my baby their first Halloween costume. She went onto buying baby their first Christmas outfit 4 months early. She would tell ME “oh I already bought baby this and that” as if she had first choice over outfits.
It sucks but buying baby clothes is fun and it’s a cute way to be happy about doing parental things.
Time to go shopping without her from now on. Don’t tell her about anything to do with future purchases. Tell her no if she tries to take over. You’ll have to get stern with her if she persists and tries to counteract any boundaries you try to set.
So, eventually my MIL would buy clothes for her place for my kid. She’d get my kid dressed in them the moment she had my kid for a visit. It was out of my control but at least it wasn’t expected at my house anymore. That’s as far as I got with stopping it. She refused to listen to how I felt.
Throw them in the trunk and say they are for diaper blow outs and spills. If that doesn’t happen they go straight to goodwill for donation.
Donate the clothes she buys and then buy whatever clothes you want. It’s YOUR baby. You get to dress them however you’d like. My MIL did the same thing when my LO was born and that’s what I did. Eventually she got the hint and toned it down when she would demand that we put him in specific outfits she bought when she would visit and I refused to do it.
Those are the clothes you put on baby when they start to eat really messy food 🙂 … think pasta with red sauce, berries, mushed up peas, anything that will stain. Could also be useful for finger painting lol. Just chuck them out when baby outgrows them… we bought some cheap used stuff for that purpose… it was either that or naked babies … the bib couldn’t contain all that mess 😂.
the thing is that it’s not about the clothes, it’s about putting her will before yours and using hostility to keep things that way. it’s okay to get rid of whatever clothes you don’t want to use – you don’t need reminders of her mistreatment causing you stress. however, the next thing to do is disconnect this issue from clothing specifically. she did the exact same thing when you dared to feed your son, and you will have more luck navigating her behaviour if you focus on the pattern, not the specifics.
based on her pattern, i think she needs to hear a lot less about your decisions and intentions. photos of baby (if she gets them at all) should be unremarkable and not captioned with anything she can attack. if you’re thinking of shopping somewhere, don’t tell her. she can’t control what she doesn’t have access to!
i’m so glad you’re not inviting her over anymore, that is 100% the right choice. you’re doing great! 💙