Worried

Hello, I am a girlfriend (25F) of a crossdresser (28M). We’ve been together a little over 3 years. I learned this on our first date about 3 years ago. Granted, I didn’t know the extent, but I decided I could be into it or not, I didn’t know, so it was worth it to try. It has been a long journey. I’ve been drastically back and forth between being okay with it and unsure if it will work long-term. He’s never cheated, as far as I know; he’s been open about everything in the whole relationship, and he is willing to communicate whenever I have questions or concerns. I know that is a dream compared to most women’s experiences in the r/crossdressers_wives sub, and even average women in relationships with men in general. But, with all of the times I’ve felt so conflicted and uncomfortable engaging in this side of him, or anxious spirals every time he engages with this side of him, it’s felt like maybe this isn’t right, mainly because I’ve also had many fantasies of sexual encounters with purely masculine men. Everything else about him I love. And everyone around me who doesn’t know about this is like, “You better marry him!” or “You’ve got a good one!” I can’t help but feel disheartened, like I’m in the wrong or crazy, even though they have no idea what the relationship is really like. I don’t know what to do. I’ve also expressed this before, and we were going to break up almost a year ago because of it, but I felt so depressed and hopeless and wanted him back that we ended up staying together and re-signing our lease. I’m not sure what to make of all of this. I am in therapy, but I still feel like I’m either avoiding my feelings to avoid potential discomfort and hard (and I mean HARD) transitions, or if I’m insane and am not appreciating and realizing I have a good thing that most people would die for.

What the hell do I do lol.

TL;DR: I am dating a crossdresser, not sure if i’m not into it or if i’m just in a long term relationship with sacrifices.