Hi Reddit! This is my first time posting but I am very fired up and remembered all those Reddit stories I love to listen to. This is gonna be a long one and I know I’m missing details so I apologize in advance. My (31m) ex-boyfriend (39m) met via a dating app back in October 2024. He was dodgy with sharing a face pic but our conversation took off right away. He gave me his number and we FaceTimed and our mutual attraction and connection was obvious. We just locked into each other right away. We went on a date in person that same weekend and ended up back at his place. Our connection was immediate in person too.
We continued to date but a few weeks into us dating he let me know he quit his job because he felt like it was distracting from what he wanted to do which was start a business. He decided to put all of his time into starting this business. He was looking to lock in investors to help him buy a company. I did let him know from the start that I have no intention to be in a relationship where I’m the sole breadwinner long term. I told him I am nobody’s parachute. Regardless, I supported him in this and always celebrated his progress. While he was working on all of this he was unable to pay his rent and was experiencing tension with his landlord. I stepped in and helped him pay 2 months rent so he didn’t have to stress while working on his business plan. At this point we were officially together for about 2 months and we had exchanged i love yous. His business deal was going to take off any day now and he would be worth millions he would say. I always encouraged him. Until it came time for his rent to be paid again. Again he didn’t have the money and instead of trying to strike a deal with his landlord, he antagonized them and threatened to sue them for negligence of the building. He eventually discovered through the local court system that he would have to be out of the house to follow through with his lawsuit. This leads to him moving in with me in February 2025.
A fact to note is that he frequently complained about my apartment not having soundproof walls, my neighbor being too loud and it being too small. My response was always that I was proud that I got this place completely on my own and I like it. He would usually apologize afterwards. A week before my birthday, February 27, his deal completely collapses. I found this out while I was at work. I left work early to come home and console him. We discussed next steps and decided he needed to look for a job to help out around the apartment while he gets back on his feet. He reaches out to contacts at his prestigious business school and they set him up with interviews. Over time he reveals a new business idea he’d rather pursue and the talks of him getting a new job subsided. He threw all his time into this new business idea. He used to help clean around the house but that eventually stopped entirely. So now he is staying in my apartment completely rent/utility free.
After about 2 months of this he manages to get into a program with his old school where they will supply him with resources and a stipend for about 2 months of the summer. He is excited that my friend was able to help him create an advertisement video for his business which made his application stand out in the process. At this point I decide to have a discussion with him that I was not happy with being the sole paycheck. He was supposed to get a job and suddenly decided not to without any discussion with me. When I suggested part time jobs he told me they were beneath him and he is worth millions. He’s not the type of person who does a 9 to 5. I told him I need him to contribute and after he comes back from this summer program he has 30 days to figure out where he is working and where he is going to live. He turns to me the next day and says he is leaving almost a month early. I don’t understand him. He’s an entrepreneur and I don’t get him so he’s leaving and when he gets to his program we’re both single. I said okay.
We spend our last few days together and I take him to the airport. The immediate feeling I felt was relief. He was a firm believer in traditional gender roles and he was the alpha so if it had to do with the kitchen it was my job. I had to come from work, cook, do the dishes, spend time watching a movie or show with him, do my homework because I’m in a masters program and then go to bed to do it all over again. He even stopped intimacy a few weeks before he was leaving because he felt like I didn’t understand him and he refuses to have intimacy with someone he doesn’t completely connect with. Over the course of our relationship I spent about $10k on him between his rent, medicine when he got sick, groceries, 2 trips we took to DC, paying to get his car out of a tow yard when he parked illegally, clothes, a random book he wanted, his phone bill and gas for his car.
Now since he left, I told him I felt used and like his bank and I questioned our entire relationship. He since told me my feelings are wrong and I shouldn’t ruin the memory of our relationship. He has since been checking in regularly after I was very sick and I had reached out to him for support around medical issues only he knew about. He increased the frequency of his messages right around the same time I remember his summer program was due to end. He then asked me if he was welcome back at my place. I told him no. He then goes on to say that continuing to talk to me was a waste of time. He thought we still loved each other but clearly not and this will be the last time we talk to each other. I won’t lie, I did love him but after this outburst I’m largely over him. Now I think I know the answer but please clear up any doubts in my mind: AITAH for not letting him back in my home after he left so abruptly and refused to contribute knowing that he may essentially be homeless?
Comments
Narcissist. That man was using you.
Lol
Block him and move on with life. NTA
NTA. He used you so bad. I’m glad you have common sense and self respect and you did t let him back. Block him. Stay smart. Just think of that 10k you gave him to lie and have sex with you.
NTA. He’s using you and probably still on dating apps hoping to find a sugar momma willing to bankroll his lifestyle.
Even if he was to get a business going it would close in a year because he doesn’t have the work ethic needed to be successful long term.
Oh my God this man sounds like my father-in-law. He would get a girlfriend and get her to invest in whatever weird business idea he had. Because he is a very traditional guy and doesn’t believe in anyone being his boss… in between jobs if he’s desperate, he is a used car salesman (he has that whole vibe too).
The minute she would get tired of his mood, he would find another girl to take advantage of. The minute he would see the relationship start to fall apart He would start talking to them; often overlapping relationships. There would be moments where he would live on his own, but it never lasted more than six months. All of these women were successful and very smart.
Now that he is in his 60s, he’s realizing that nobody will put up with it anymore and he no longer has his charming good looks to fall back on. He’s now broke, working full-time at Walmart, and all four of his daughters and my husband do not talk to him. He’s an abusive and very narcissistic drunk.
NTA these people are emotional vampires. They will suck you dry and not think twice. I do find it interesting how he doesn’t see the point of doing anything unless he can benefit from it. He only bothers with basic respect and kindness when he thinks he can get something in return.
Don’t let that hobo-sexual back in
NTA. Don’t take his hobosexual ass back. He’s got some lessons to learn the hard way. You have already done more than enough caregiving. He was 100% using you. He’s basically a romance scammer.
You would definitely be the AH if you considered for one minute allowing him back inside your place. This guy is a con artist and a waste of your time. He knows nothing about running a business and will never start one, as he has fear of success. 9 – 5 is beneath him because HE DOESN’T WANT TO WORK. And having your own business is more work than he can imagine.
NTA he used you for free housing and didn’t even have the decency to sleep with you for part of it. So far not the ah. You were a saint. Working full time, masters program so 60hrs of work/school plus all the traditional role labor like dishes, meals, laundry, cleaning. You basically had a charity case in your house.
NTA
He’s a user and he’d just keep taking and taking and never giving back to you. Not to mention his delusions of grandeur when he’s a recurring failure, yet lording it over you as if he’s some brilliant titan of business, is ludicrous.
There’s no one more in love than a man who needs a place to live. What a joke that he’s the “alpha” when you were the provider
He is a user. And at his age I doubt he will change. He showed you who he is believe him.
I read met in 2024 and he is already your ex. Didn’t even to read any further. Stop talking to him.
You have wasted enough time,money and love on this loser. Move on.
NTA, sorry that man wasn’t homosexual like you thought, he was a subcategory called HOBOsexual. They go for whatever gender they can to support their mooch lifestyle.
He has an ego and is full of himself. But he wants others to serve him. Way too many red flags. Sorry you had invested so much – but he is not worth it long term. Glad you got out when you did. NTA – HITA. Soar Like an Eagle – I wish you the best to find a PARTNER and not a selfish EGO-USER.
NTA but doormat meet OP….OP makes a doormat look like king of the hill. There is a suckered born every day…..quit being one….block this user.
YTA. In the kindest, if I was your friend way I have to ask – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!???
This is the ridiculousness that a young adult finds themselves in because they’re young and naive. You are a full-grown woman and within 2 months this man convinced you to be his mark. You’re being conned.
Please block him, take a deep breath and pretend that this man is dead and buried. Do not communicate with him AT ALL. Then do what you need to do to learn to love yourself without needing a relationship.
Wait!! I’m confused! Your post says you’re both male but your boyfriend is all about “gender roles” so you’re working and taking care of the household?
He was only maintaining contact with you in hopes of persuading you to take him in again. Under more false promises. Whatever feelings he had for you paled in comparison to what he feels for himself. Go ahead and wish him well, but you are right to insist on not carrying him any longer. It’s best if both partners are financially secure.
NTA. Having to sleep his way into stable housing was a huge red flag. He’s not your responsibility. Block him and be done.
NTA
He will never be a successful entrepreneur. Hard work is beneath him, and hard work is what is required to be successful.
He is lazy and his entire business dream is likely to start a business that he can then take his hands off of and it makes him money. It’s a mindset. That mindset requires charisma. But it’s all fake.
As proven when you reached out to him for emotional support and his end takeaway is “talking to you was a waste of time” because he didn’t get anything out of it.
I won’t say he intentionally used you, but a cat kneading on you claws just as much as a cat trying to claw you.
Good on ya for standing up for yourself.
You know the answer. In no way are you the AH for refusing to let this user take advantage of you any more. Don’t worry about him being homeless. He’s a professional mooch. He’ll find his next victim the same way he found you.
people need to learn how to respect them selves.
Gosh you stayed way longer than you should have
by extension i had to read much more than i wanted to.
NTA – but please believe people when they show you who they are.
Find him in his homeless garbage can and literally hurl pennies at him as hard as you can. And bring him a bunch of take out chinese and add ghost pepper extract to everything. Revenge is a dish seved both spicy and painfully😁
You said you were nobody’s parachute but then proceeded to pay his rent and let him move in with you. That is the definition of a parachute. He was using you as an ATM. Just leave next time.
This guy is a one man red flag parade.
You would be the Ah to yourself if you took him back.
Men who are into “traditional gender roles” are supposed to work and support the household, not expect the woman to do all the work around the house AND earn all the money.
Remember saying this “I did let him know from the start that I have no intention to be in a relationship where I’m the sole breadwinner long term. I told him I am nobody’s parachute. ”?
Live by that.
You told him. He wedged, and then expanded that wedge, and manipulated to you… until he shaped you into his parachute.
He then flew off elsewhere, single to fuck whomever he wanted, and returned… with a plan to land into a you shaped parachute.
Fuck off. You aren’t a parachute.
NTA. He only kept you on simmer/warm in case he needed to turn you back up. Don’t worry, he has plenty of others on warm too, he can stay with them. Expect him to snoop back around cyclically at different times, always with a guilt trip, and always because he needs something. Never give this man a thing again. And to really get rid of him… next time he asks/complains to you (and if you are daft enough to listen/let him) send him an itemised bill, and tell him to pay it. He’ll disappear fast then, after a parting shot of “people who love each other don’t do this…” (which you can if you are again, daft enough to entertain talking to him, respond with “And people who love each other don’t take take take take take, and give nothing back”.)
Consider it a $10k lesson in how to grow a spine and move on guilt free. NTA
You told him your boundaries up front then he proceeded to plow through each one of them. And you let him. He’s a serial hobosexual.
I’m sure he’ll move on to his next victim soon.
Men really are graded on a curve.
No
Stop contacting him and opening the door for more conversations
NTA for not letting him back in.
But you paid his rent for two months when you had known him 5 minutes. You set yourself up to be taken advantage of, and he took you for 10k. You were T A to yourself there. How long did it take you to earn 10k?
NTA you found a hobosexual in the wild. But for someone who adamantly didn’t want to be someone’s parachute you certainly strapped yourself onto his back fast enough
NTA. A family member took in the ex about the 2nd week of January this year, was only staying for a week, maybe 2, tops. 31st July ex was told, end of August… you’re out. Moved out the next day, already had something lined up, just didn’t want to pay more.
Don’t ever let the ex back in.
You dodge a lot of headache by him voluntarily moving out. So you didn’t have to evict him
What happened to having no intention of being the sole breadwinner ?
What happened to being nobody’s parachute ?
Now you know why he didn’t post his picture on the dating site. This honorable sexual has been taking advantage of women for years. You got used girlfriend. And he did you a favor by estranging himself before he left for his job. Do not let him back in under any circumstances. Tell him if he repay you the 10 K you will consider it. And after you get the money.(which I doubt will ever see a dime of it.) , just tell him your feelings aren’t the same anymore. But never ever let him spend the night at your house. Don’t even let him come over for dinner.