TD;LR : I’m think my bf (21) is a dismissive-avoidant attacher and he’s going thru some personal things. Told me he needed space and although he was responding to my texts, stopped after a phone call where I ended up crying (I didn’t message him after the call either). It’s been three days no contact, should I break the silence first or wait for him? [we’ve been together for one month and this is our first hurdle] if your also someone who is avoidant, I would love to hear your thoughts.
I (23f) am a secure-attachment person, if that matters to anyone.
Long version:
He called me the night everything went wrong. Told me what happened and I asked if I should go to his place, he said no that he just needs some time. He asked to see me 2 days after that and I could just tell he wasn’t fine when I saw him. I told him it’s okay if he needs time on his own and to process what happened, he said he feels bad bc he doesn’t want to make me upset, but I assured him I’ll be okay.
So a week and a half goes by without seeing him, and his texts are very simple. He tells me how he’s doing, says it’s hard, says he can’t see me bc it’s too much rn, etcetc. Although I told him he can take the time he needs, I realized I was lwk pressuring him to hurry up and get over it by constantly asking how he was doing.
Then came the phone call. I think I overwhelmed him. I asked how he was doing again and he said ‘pretty much the same’ and when I asked how he’s been handling it, he’s just sleeping all the time or numbing it away. When I heard that, I freaked out. My father is an addict, so I think some trauma came out and I just started crying. My bf only drank and got high once since it happened, but it still scared me anyway. I said I’m here to talk and that I want him to talk to me, but he said he just can’t and he’s sorry. That he doesn’t have the words for it, that he feels terrible that he’s doing this to me. I told him that he’s not, and that I am here for him, I just don’t know how to be.
That was 3days ago, and he hasn’t texted me and I haven’t texted him. I worried he thinks I’m upset/mad/sad even tho in the call I said I’m not, but I was crying a lot so I think that kinda makes it seem like I am to him. He told me that he spirals and overthinks when he gets into moments like this, so I wanna reach out again and just tell him everything’s okay on my end. But should I do that or just wait for him to text me first? Cuz he did say he wants space but he also said he appreciated it when I checked up on him. Im just scared to make the wrong move.