My ideal end to this relationship would be him, either at a point were he can take care of him or living with somebody who can help him. I care about him and don’t want to see him homeless but I feel trapped in this relationship and its making me cruel. I was really mean tonight, it was the useful resentment over having to work each day, while he plays video games. I do almost all the cooking and cleaning, he has been making progress and helping more, but this still seems like a deeply unfair relationship.
We’ve fought so much over the years and its the same topics, housework and me working and him not. I really don’t like my life right now, I think about what it would be like to live on my own. Neither of us have social lives, but he gets the house to himself for 8 hours a day everyday except on weekends, I haven’t had the house to myself in two years since we tried separating (they went to live with someone else but things fell apart and I drove 4 hours to a different state to pick him) it just adds to the resentment. I don’t have car so I’m limited in options of going places and he never leaves the house.
I don’t know how to give him credit for the progress he is making when at the current pace, its going to still be me doing almost everything for the foreseeable future. When I blow up at them, when I dump my resentments on him and make him terrible I harm his progress and demoralize him. But after years I just can’t shake the feeling of being used.
I don’t know what to do. I do care about him, I can’t bring myself to throw him out on the street, I want him to be safe, I also kind of want my live back, but these two things seem to exclude each other. We have plans to move to another state next year, and I promised them I would stay with them till we moved to the other state.
part of me is afraid of this relationship continuing because its the easiest thing and its what we know, and just continue to have fight and say mean things to each other, when there could be better more compatible people out there for both of us.
TL;DR, Me and my boyfriend have a dysfunctional relationship were we fight a lot and I do vast majority of cooking and cleaning while also working. My resentments are making me into a mean person, but I don’t know how to end relationship because he is so dependent on me.
Comments
ur not wrong for wanting ur own life back if the only reason u stay is guilt that’s not a relationship it’s a sentence
Therapy.
This shits too potentially volatile/contextual to risk using the reddit hive mind.
What kind of state care would he qualify for? Does he have any family?
At a certain point, you have to make the decision. He’s your boyfriend, not a child. You’re not obligated to stay with him and care for him forever.
I would honestly make it clear that this isn’t working for you. Things need to change. Either he helps more and finds a job if he can work despite his disability and you two can try to work through it, or he has X amount of time to gets himself organised to find somewhere else to live. This isn’t fair for you, you deserve a better life than one of resentment.
You are not responsible for another person unless you chose to be. You cannot wait for him to figure out how to take care of himself. That’s only hindering his progress.
Best thing to do is set a time frame for an ending. You can both make plans. Him finding a place to live, you getting a car. Skip plans to moving together to another state.
Omg, drop him off on his parents or siblings door in a basket and drive away. This guy is 28? Ffs, choose you, run away, quit taking care of him! Barf.
You’re still young enough to have a chance at the relationship you want with someone else. Keep choosing this and you choose your rotten fate. Run, he’ll work it out but only when you stop doing it for him. Let him grow. Leave.
The narrative you’re
Telling yourself is what’s holding you back.
You need to tell him. Sit him down and calmly explain this is not working for you and you need to leave. Discuss a timeline during which he could organise alternative support, family or otherwise. If he doesn’t buy in, then give him a date when you’re leaving, tell his family, and get out of there. YOLO, and martyrdom is not obligatory.
if u wanna break up then break up. Dont stay for any reason.