I’ve posted here before about my relationship, and every single time people comment “this is negging.” I think I keep brushing it off maybe out of fear of breaking up. But I’ve really noticed a pattern with him but it’s hard to put my finger on it. Before people assume I don’t talk to him or tell him to stop doing/saying XYZ I have. I’ve had conversations with him before. He’s changed somewhat but the root behaviours are still there.
So today I took my top off as I was about to shower and I flashed him as I normally do. He immediately commented “your boobs are disappearing” (because of my recent weight loss but nothing drastic just to be more healthy). I basically replied back “you wouldn’t want me to be fat like I was a few years back” (I was slightly overweight because of stress and relationship weight). He was basically saying he would but also said he likes tits any size but I didn’t feel assured that he actually meant that…
I told him how he’s been seeing them slowly shrink anyway as I’ve lost weight it hasn’t happened overnight. He just replied that “he doesn’t get to see them much anymore”. He said this seriously but I’m now just realising that we had sex yesterday. He also always sees my boobs when I flash him or when I’m getting changed or showered…
And that’s just today. He often says “jokes” that are said very random and unwanted and said matter of factly like the boobs disappearing one. Or even if they are said jokingly it’s too specific of a thing to say that it’s “just a joke”. I literally don’t respond to it anymore until I think about it more after it’s happened. Like now.
Overall, we rarely argue and can joke around and get along, but there’s this pattern of digs that make me feel like he’s trying to chip away at me but luckily I’ve built my own self confidence that I more feel hurt at the weird “jokes”.
On top of that, his personality is honestly very immature. He acts hyper like a child, doesn’t complete chores properly, and the ick is real when I see how dependent he still is — his mum makes his work lunch, washes and irons his work clothes, and even gives him lifts to work. He’s 27. He says he’s told her to stop, but apparently it continues because “we’re both busy with 9-5s…”
There’s also the driving digs from when I first passed a year ago. He would be sat in the passenger seat and was so cruel about my driving and parking how I can’t do it … despite the fact he doesn’t even drive and has given up learning to drive.
And intimacy… this is where I feel really stuck. He constantly gropes me, and nearly every touch or cuddle ends up turning into him trying to initiate sex — pulling his hard dick out, making comments, or acting in ways that make it very clear what he wants.
It doesn’t feel romantic or mutual anymore, just entitled. If I say no or pull away, I get nagging comments about how I “never let him touch me” or “never see my tits anymore” or “we never have sex anymore,” even if we literally did it a few days before. I haven’t been in the mood for ages but I still end up doing it out of obligation. He doesn’t outright force me, but the pressure is there, and I never actually want to anymore.
We’ve been together nearly six years, bought a house in 2023, share a cat, and my family dog lives with us. On paper, everything looks stable, and I could technically move back in with my dad… but the logistics (mortgage, pets, etc.) make it harder and more complicated because my decision has to be solid. I guess what I need advice on is:
• How do I see this for what it is and stop excusing it?
• For people who’ve left similar relationships, how did you find the nerve to do it?
• How do you even go about breaking up? I’ve honestly tried to earlier this year and although he has changed somewhat there’s still patterns there. In the end he ended up persuading me that our relationship is still good
I know Reddit will probably tell me this is negging and immature and I’m settling… I just need the reality check and advice from people who’ve been here.
TL;DR: Together nearly 6 years (F24/M27). My partner makes subtle digs and “jokes” (about my driving, weight loss, sex, etc.), often says he doesn’t see my boobs/have sex anymore even though we literally did the day before. These comments are becoming a pattern and feel like negging. We get along most of the time, but I’m questioning if I’m settling. How do people find the nerve to leave when there’s a mortgage, pets, and history involved?
Comments
Don’t let yourself fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Staying because you’ve been with him for 6 years just means you’re signing yourself up for more of the same.
I’m glad to have a husband who, even after nearly 20 years of marriage, still acts like I’m the hottest thing he’s ever seen. He has literally never said a negative thing about my appearance in all of our years together. I’m glad that when I was annoyed at being groped in non-sexual contexts and told him this, he apologized and stopped doing it. I’m glad that he doesn’t pressure me into sex, I’m glad he washes his own clothes like a full-grown adult, I could go on and on.
And I’m nothing special, trust me. My point is, there are men out there who will treat you right. But you’ll never find that if you stay with this guy.
OP, you need to start imagining a reality without him and his behaviour.
If you left now, within 2 years you could be living in your own place in peace and quiet with your family dog. You could walk around naked and not feel obliged, objectified and judged. You could choose who you want to sleep with, and when. Your home could be clean and beautiful and easy to look after because you wouldn’t be putting up with the living habits of a giant child.
You have to start imagining your future so that your present becomes easier to leave behind.
Then, to make it all happen you manage that separation like a business task. With spreadsheets and dates, plans and agreements. And you get the hell out of there.
OP, I know so many women who have been in relationships like this. Every single one of them says that their only regret is not ending things sooner. What you’re describing is guilt tripping and sexual coercion on top of the negging. This is abusive.
Leave him OP. You can do so much better. This isn’t love