Still in love, yet considering breakup because of lack of connection
Background-
We have been dating for nearly 4 years and met in college. We went through 2 years of long distance but last year we moved across the world together. We still have a year left on our lease here.
When we first met, everything was perfect (as per usual lol). I’ve dated really bad people in the past, yet my boyfriend changed me for the better. He brought me out of a dark place and I am forever grateful for that.
As time moved on, communication got harder (especially through long distance and only seeing each other once a month). However, we survived! And long distance taught us a lot of things regarding communication.
But after moving in together this past year, we have had several close “break up” calls. We still love each other. A lot. So this is why I am coming here to ask for advice. Maybe this is all normal.
Currently-
We both work the same job and spend a lot of time at work. However, I am very extroverted whereas he is very introverted. He prefers slow days after work, dinner… watch TV… video games… etc… Versus I would love to talk for hours even after work, go on walks, etc…
This has never been a problem but now that we are across the world this has given me a lot of pent up anxiety because I feel like I’m dragging him outside to do stuff all the time whereas he would be content playing video games inside. It’s tough to always drag him to do stuff.
Another issue is the fact he doesn’t feel like he can be honest with me because I suffer from bad anxiety and hes afraid it could make me spiral (even though Im actively working on this). This has made us grow apart and also affected our connection.
Besides the 2 issues above, I feel like I am craving acitivities, random “just because” gifts or acts of service, etc… He always says my expectations are too high of him but I see other people online or my friends in that type of relationship. He has tried small things like flowers and notes which is a good step in the right direction, yet it feels bad having to ask him for those things and not to make it natural. I also try to have weekly check-ins regarding the relationship, but if it weren’t for me being the spearhead of heart to hearts, I’m not sure we’d ever have them since he likes to bottle stuff up.
I am also craving stability. He hates work and has a loose plan of his work life after this job and moving home, but hes just not very ambitious in that front. I’ve tried to cope and just say “hes not work-centric like I am, thats ok… he can teach me to think day-to-day”. I just don’t know how solvable this is.
There are other problems like me feeling like im begging for attention when he likes space, etc…
However, with everything said and done, I still love him and think he is worth it. He is super special and kind and takes care of me, its just not flashy. He’s like a companion who will always be for you at the end of each day, which makes this so much harder.
It’s just the “what-if” situations that bother me, it’s making me think I could have a future with someone who aligns better with me. I don’t like the feeling of waiting/changing for him. It sucks seeing other people be motivated with mental health awareness and life goals and dream of my boyfriend doing the same. But we have worked so hard on ourselves together. Maybe I’m throwing this away for unjustifiable emotions. I know relationships are about compromise and self-reflection, but I do not want to feel this way forever. He told me “sometimes I dread coming home when you’re home” and “you sometimes make me never want to talk to you again”. I don’t think that is what you should say in a relationship no matter how bad. Thank you for reading
Tldr- Hurtful things said and connection lost, considering breakup.