I (25f) have half siblings from my mom’s married to my stepdad. I was 3 weeks old when my dad died and I was 18 months old when my mom remarried. I get along well with most of my siblings but Paige (23f). We’re the closest in age but she doesn’t like me saying we share a mom but have different dads. She doesn’t like that I don’t claim my stepdad as my real dad period.
I grew up around my paternal family and knowing about my real dad. While mom never talked about him and my stepdad didn’t like him being talked about, my paternal family never let him be forgotten and because of all those circumstances I saw him as my real dad and never saw my stepdad as just my dad.
I still have respect for my stepdad but I don’t have full respect for him either. Had he accepted and encouraged me to know about my real dad we might be closer but it was a wound to his ego to have a kid he raised consider another man their dad, even if I wouldn’t exist without my dad and that made me never fully connect with him like that. It’s not like I hate him. But I feel like if he really wanted the best for me like he claimed he would have done better at accepting me knowing about my biological dad, because he admits if he’d had the choice he would have kept me in the dark and let me believe he was my bio dad instead. He has also admitted he hates my dad’s family for putting him between us because his one weakness means he can never compete. While mom said it’s too hard to talk about dad so she let his family take over doing that for me.
Paige would always say we shared the same parents. Whenever I explained that we were siblings but I had a different dad to someone, Paige would be like no we don’t stop saying that. She’d tell me if her dad raised me it meant he was my dad too. Then in our teens she tried to say a few times that he was probably my bio dad too and we were all full biological siblings. So after I turned 18 I did a DNA test with her to prove we were half siblings.
The argument strained our relationships. None of my other siblings are bothered by me claiming my dad but Paige. She has yelled at our younger siblings for saying I have a different dad or if they do anything that shows me as having a different dad. Like one of our brothers bought two Father’s Day cards once and one said dad but the other said stepdad and that one was for me.
Right now I don’t see or speak to Paige very often. Maybe once or twice a year. Our first time this year was a couple of weeks ago and she was bugging me because I had reposted something about the weirdness of losing a parent before you can form memories of them and the love you can still have for them. She was mad because it was me yet again bringing to light the fact we have different dads. I told her she’s old enough to get over us having different dads and find a way to accept the reality because that’s what it is. I told her that we might have been raised in the same household but without my dad I wouldn’t exist and I won’t ignore the man who made me just because she doesn’t like it. She argued that her dad deserves better and why was it fair for him to share me with a man I never would have remembered. Then she told me I don’t get to tell her what to accept or get over.
She called our mom after and then mom called me and asked why I couldn’t just let it go. She said after 20 years of fighting you’d think we’d be over this but it’s still ongoing and it doesn’t seem right and mom said we’re sisters not enemies and as the oldest I could just learn to accept it hurts her to hear me dismiss her dad who raised me.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. You have every right to honor your dad, and it’s not your job to erase him just because it makes Paige uncomfortable
NTA. She’s not hurt, she’s controlling. You’re not dismissing the man who raised you, you’re honoring the one who gave you life, which is a completely normal thing to do. The problem is her and your stepdad’s ego and them refusing to accept facts.
Your love for your dad is completely valid, and wanting to honor him makes sense. At the same time, Paige’s feelings for the dad who raised you are real too. Neither of you is wrong, maybe the key is acknowledging both truths without dismissing either.
Tell your mum that you do accept that Paige is upset by your refusal to forget about your own father and to just jump on her bandwagon – you just don’t give a fuck what she thinks or feels…
And that’s absolutely fine.
NTA.
YTA
You cause issue where there is none.
I have step siblings from different dads too, but it doesn’t make them less then my siblings. Instead of being happy that you have both parents you instead let your paternal side drive wedge between you and living family you have. If you rather spoil your relationship over a memory of someone you don’t even remember then so be it.
Remember, your family will never speak ill about your bio father. So you cling to idealistic vision of him.
Should tell your mom and ask her why Paige cant just let it go? After 20 years of fighting you’d think Paige would have grown the fuck up. You’re sisters, not enemies and as someone that is completely unaffected by who you claim as a father, it hurts you that she dismisses the man that created you.
Your sister is an asshole and insanely immature.
Your mother is an asshole and clearly has a favorite daughter, and it isn’t you.
You are NTA and should stop engaging with any talk that involves diminishing your origins.
NTA. Your sister got stuck in adolescence. It’s true that a young adult can still be quite immature, but her behavior is already at the level of a stupid person 🗣️
>then mom called me and asked why I couldn’t just let it go.
This is a question that she needs to ask your half-sister, not you. Sounds like you’re content with your life the way it is, it’s her who’s had a bee in her bonnet for the last 20 years. NTA and I’m laughing at the irony of her telling you that you “don’t get to tell her what to accept or get over” when that’s literally what she’s been telling you to do for the whole time you’ve been family.
NTA. Why isn’t your mom asking Paige why SHE can’t let it go? Her weird fixation isn’t your problem. Frankly, I’d send her and your mom this post and maybe they’d get it…
Your mom is also an asshole here. The fact she stayed with a man who behaves like this is concerning
And you should tell your mom “I’m disappointed in you for staying with such a horrible man. I am disappointed in you for not shutting Paige down harder when we were younger. And I am disappointed in you now for making me the problem when it’s clearly Paige who is the problem. I’m starting to understand why she is the way she is. You allowed her to be toxic towards me and you suck as a mom because of it”
Don’t let your mom off the hook. She is just as much to blame as your SD for all of this bullshit
NTA
Yta. That guy raised you. Not gonna even read it. Paternal fam alienated you hard.
NTA “yeah mom you’d think after 20 years Paige would grow the fuck up and let this go, I agree.”
How come you mom married so fast after your dads death? 1.5 years seems a bit rushed specially when you are a first time mom. And the fact that she doesn’t want to talk about your dad. It seems there might be something else that you don’t know.
NTA
mom called me and asked why I couldn’t just let it go.
Mom’s calling the wrong person. She should be calling Paige and asking her why she can’t let it go
as the oldest I could just learn to accept it hurts her to hear me dismiss her dad who raised me.
And Paige could learn that it hurts you to dismiss your real dad as non existent.
Maybe I missed it, but I don’t see anything about stepdad making any attempt to adopt.
If true, a retort of “her father made no attempt to adopt me” would shut down a lot of argument.
It’s tough being the stepdad, but a good one will be honest. This one wasn’t, and admitted it.
NTA
Paige sounds like she needs some sort of therapy to get over this. I wonder if her father pushes her to behave like this. The person who should have stopped this sort of behaviour, but didn’t because “it hurts her” is your mother. She let this all start, and she has never done anything to stop it. It’s been 25 years. Enough. They need to go for counselling or therapy, all of them, and to leave you alone. I hope it does get sorted for you, but don’t think it will any time soon. The next issue will be if you get married. The expectations of who will give you away. Although these days a lot of women walk down by themselves. Good luck to you now and in your future. It’s good that you have the support of your other siblings.
> she told me I dont get to tell her what to accept
No, you dont. Just like she doesn’t get to tell you who to accept as your dad.
NTA theres complex feelings here. Maybe try a reply like “just because I love the man who made me, doesn’t mean I dont love and respect the man who raised me. Its not fair my bio dad didnt get to rasie me, but Im lucky to have two dads.” Perhaps reframing what you say might make her more comfortable with it.
Her attitude about it all really makes me wonder why she cares so much. Did she grow up hearing her dad complain about it a lot? Did he pressure her to be his perfect daughter since in his eyes you’re not? Whatever it is, I do agree she should be over it, but thats easier said than done.
Updateme
Updateme
NTA. Why can’t Paige let it go? It’s been 20 years. You aren’t the one that keeps turning it into an argument.
Man, Paige sure has some issues, doesn’t she? I’d ignore her go loc/nc as best you can.
Every single time , “Paige – I’m not going to discuss this further. If you have a problem with me acknowledging my biological father then go to therapy.” And walk away. Every time.
NTA
No , you did the right thing, because chances are your mom and stepdad subconsciously encouraged her do that so that you would eventually abandon the idea of your real dad to feel closer to Paige and the rest of your siblings. Maybe not even subconsciously really, I mean a guy that admits he’d lie about your paternity isn’t trustworthy at all.
But you don’t need to forget your dad, just to inflate your stepdad’s ego. This isn’t a situation you caused , you’re just dealing with the one your mom has put you in.
And sadly it’s only going to get worst as you get older , this will resurface when and if you get married, because stepdad is going to want to walk you down the aisle be known at the ‘father of the bride ‘ at the wedding .
And the same if you have children , he’ll want to be grandpa.
And Paige will be there yelling from the rafters that he is those things even when he’s not.
So honestly Op, now that you’re an adult , you have to be ready for this and be prepared to go no contact, if she continues with her delusional behavior. Paige most likely needs help, but that’s not your responsibility, all you can do is be clear about your boundaries.
You should never be expected to deny who you are to make other people happy.
NTA. While I normally dislike the phrase “get over X”, in this case it gets a pass. Normally it’s used as shorthand for “your genuine emotions are being a nuisance towards me and I’d rather you shut up than do anything to fix the cause”, in this case yeah. Twenty plus years is more than enough.
Becauae in this you need to set the firm blundary. She can either accept how you view the relationship, or not. And if she doesn’t, there should be no contact.
NTA. Your mom should be telling your sister to get over it. She can’t change the fact that you have a different father and she’s the one that needs to get over it for you and your other siblings. Sounds like she and her your stepfather are the issue.
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