My (32F) boyfriend (38M) recently told me that he’s afraid of marriage, and doesn’t want to get married.
We’ve been together for 5 years in a long-distance relationship. He often talks about wanting a future with me, having children, and he really cares about my daughter (I’m a single mom, 32F).
After a long time of thinking, I finally came to accept it, and I feel like maybe not getting married doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker for me.
But still… I feel sad. It’s not what I expected. Whenever I see people getting married or proposing, I can’t help but cry.
Some people have told me that I should leave him, but to me this relationship matters so much. I can’t just walk away that easily.
I’m planning to pursue my PhD in the US, and I just got a promotion from my professor. My boyfriend is American, so it actually works out well for us. But even then, it seems we will never get married.
If I leave him, I’m scared I’ll regret it because we’ve been through so much together, and also because my daughter is very close to him.
TL;DR: My boyfriend of 5 years (38M) afraid of marriage. I (32F, single mom) accepted it after thinking for a long time, but I still feel sad whenever I see others getting married. I’m torn because I love him and my daughter is very close to him, but I also grieve the idea of never having a marriage.
Comments
Sounds like you have a long term passport bro, i don’t see this working out for you, especially considering current political climate
He’s been clear, and this isn’t going to work out on the immigration front either.
You’re in a tough spot, but think about it: do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling that pinch in your heart every time you hear about someone getting engaged or receiving a wedding invitation? You don’t have to settle for a life that you aren’t happy with, I’m sure you love him and care for him, but is this worth the sadness, which can, over the years, turn into bitterness
Has your boyfriend actually explained what scares him about marriage? Are you currently still long distance? If yes, don’t even think about marriage until you’ve lived in proximity to each other. My personal philosophy is that children is a much deeper commitment than marriage, as you are legally tied to the person for 18-21 years with a child (custody, child support etc) regardless of whether you’re together or not, and after that, you will always be tied to one another through the child. A marriage is also a legal commitment, but once it’s severed, you can go your separate ways should things go sideways.
Just leave. You all arent “together”. Theres like 4 billion men in the world, I promise you that you can find one that actually wants to be with you and your daughter, not just “care” about you.
I think you need to talk about it with him, and maybe a therapist.
What is it about marriage that appeals to you? Is it just the wedding, for example. What is it about marriage that scares him? Is he afraid of financial obligations, for example.
How does he plan on having kids with you if you aren’t native to his country, he won’t marry you and his country is currently very anti immigration. Is he meant to knock you up when you get your PHD then send you back to your home country to raise his kids, wishing you all the best?
It’s okay to want marriage. Most people do (even if they’re not on Reddit), it’s not something weird or to be afraid of (actually I think people who are afraid of it are weird, IDK).
It’s also okay to end a relationship for wanting different things.
The harsh truth: It’s not that he doesn’t want marriage, he just doesn’t want it with you. He doesn’t want to marry you because he’s afraid you’re only using him for visa. He’s keeping you around but you never know if he has someone else since it’s long distance. Have you met his family and friends? Do they know about you?
A person (regardless of gender) who truly loves another person will make things work to be together. They will find a way to move closer to be with each other. 5 years of long distance ain’t it.
Consider posting this on the waiting to wed sub. Or at least read the stories there.
There’s no way it’d work out unless you manage to land a job and get PR in the US on your own after your PhD. Especially since the spouse (k1?) visa requires you to be married right?
It’s okay to grieve the version of the future you imagined, even if you choose a different one. Love can be strong, but unspoken dreams still deserve a voice.
You shouldn’t stay with someone just because you’ve been through a lot together — that’s the sunk cost fallacy. What matters is whether the relationship you have right now is one that fulfils you and makes you feel cared for.
If this issue is important enough to make you cry, then it’s not something small you should brush aside. It’s worth addressing again. And if he still refuses to even consider it, then that’s a sign it might be time to move on.
When your partner knows something is deeply important to you, but they still won’t meet you halfway — that shows a lack of care. If you’re planning a future together, what difference does it make for them to compromise on something that matters so much to you?
Unless he made it clear from the start that this was a non-negotiable, you have every right to want more. Wanting your needs respected isn’t asking too much, it’s a basic part of a healthy, balanced relationship.
What is his real reasons? Scared of marriage? Are there any other conditions/factors you might not know? I think you should have a deeper talk and try to understand where the fear is coming from. If there is genuinely a fear, then try doing a couple therapy and see if that helps. Best of luck
It sounds like whatever choice you make, there will be sadness. Grieving the life you won’t have is normal.
If you really want to be married and be really doesn’t want it, you know what choice to make. If he and your child are so close then they can remain close no matter what happens.
If you choose to stay with him, then that’s the sacrifice you make, but you still get to spend a lifetime with the person you love.
Like I said, there’s no perfect or easy choice but your grief is absolutely normal.