length of relationship: just over 1 year
tldr: my bf [23m] is moving abroad for a year and wants to break up before leaving because he knows he’ll get depressed and distant. i [22f] want to at least try long distance, but he’s afraid it will end badly. we love each other and there’s nothing wrong otherwise. should we try or let go?
my boyfriend (23m) is about to move to another country for 1 year to study and work. he’s been to this country twice before (both 3-month stays), and both times he ended up in a deep depression. he has no friends or support system there, and he absolutely hates being there. he’s only going because he needs the money and opportunity.
in the past, when he tried to maintain long-distance relationships while he was there, they didn’t work out. now he says things like:
“this is gonna be horrible, and i’m gonna be horrible. i know i’ll get depressed again. i’ve tried this twice and it didn’t work. we can’t do this. let’s end things properly before i go.”
he also said:
“i don’t want you to see me like that. i’ll be miserable. i’ll turn into an asshole. i don’t want to be that guy in your life.”
we’ve been together for over a year, and there’s nothing wrong in our relationship. we love each other deeply. i understand why he feels this way — maybe he doesn’t want to hurt me or feel guilty about being emotionally unavailable. maybe he just wants to focus on surviving the year without the pressure of a relationship.
but i’m devastated. i don’t want to break up just because of this. i told him i’d wait, i’d support him, and that we don’t have to give up without even trying. we’ve already done long distance in the same country before — yes, it was hard, but we made it work. now it’s across countries and time zones, and we wouldn’t be able to visit. but still, i want to try.
he said we’d talk about it again before he leaves. i’m scared — if we try and it ends badly, that could be worse than ending things now. but if we don’t try at all, i’m afraid life will just move on and we’ll lose what we have forever.
i really need advice:
should we try to make this long-distance work, knowing his past experiences and mental health struggles?
or
should i accept that maybe this is a goodbye, even if neither of us wants it to be?