Hi Reddit,
TL;DR: Two best friends of 8+ years just started dating. I’m happy for them and want to support what makes them happy, but now hanging out feels uncomfortable because the group dynamic has completely changed. It makes me sad to think about how things used to be, and I’m not sure how to ask for space (potential a lot of space) without making them feel bad.
I (28M) have been part of a tight trio with my best friends D (28M) and S (27F) since undergrad—8 years. We traveled together, did weekend trips, nights out, the whole deal. Even though D and I live 50 miles away from S, we made it work. It was one of the closest friendships I’ve ever had.
About 6 months ago, D and S started spending more time together in her town (totally fine and was normal to me, since D visits family there often). But a few months ago, things shifted: their interactions got flirty, they were touchy, and it was obvious something was going on. Last month they both approached me—individually—to say they were interested in each other. They wanted my input, to talk through some concerns, and to make sure I was okay with it.
To their credit, they handled it as respectfully as possible. They both came to me – separately – to talk about things and express their own concerns about the dynamic changing and were genuinely concerned for the lasting friendship of the group. D even asked if I had feelings for S and said he’d back off if I did. I told him no, because while I’ve occasionally wondered “what if…” during particularly lonely moments, I never pursued it and never felt like I’ve “fallen” for her like I have for other friends in the past, and didn’t want to stand in the way of their happiness. I gave them my blessing, but made it clear that I didn’t think they needed my permission. During these conversations, I was honest that the dynamic would change but was not expecting how quickly things would change and how I would feel about it.
Since then, they’ve made things official. And honestly? I’m struggling. I had no idea that this would affect me so much, but the vibe that was consistent for 8 years is suddenly gone and it is so weird to me seeing them being cutesy/romantic/whatever. Every time I hang out with them now, I come home feeling worse—sad, lonely, and nostalgic for how things used to be and upset that things will probably never be the same. This also makes me feel like a shitty friend because, instead of being happy for them and their newfound relationship, I am constantly dwelling on my own selfish thoughts and missing the balanced trio we used to have.
I know this is my issue, not theirs, and I don’t blame them. But it’s hard watching them be affectionate because it constantly reminds me that the trio is now “(D+S) + Me” instead of the balanced group we had. On top of that, I don’t think they’re a great long-term match (based on conversations with S before they started dating – she shared concerns about how good of a fit they are for each other), which gives me anxiety about how messy things might get if/when it ends. I keep worrying about what happens to the friendship then.
They’ve invited me out a few times recently, but I’ve declined. Truthfully, I just don’t want to hang out right now because of how uncomfortable it feels. S has also been planning a birthday outing for me and keeps asking me for a date that works since they’ll be on a Vegas trip together on my actual birthday. Honestly, the best birthday gift they could give me is space for a few months or longer—to process this and how I feel about it, focus on myself, and maybe branch out into new friendships. This also involves backing out of some plans that we made as a group for a few trips several months ago, including an international trip that S and I are supposed to take (D was busy the dates we chose), which I feel pretty shitty about too.
So here’s where I need advice:
- How do I ask for some time apart without hurting them and making them feel bad about their decision to get together?
- How can I still support their relationship while also keeping my distance?
Thanks in advance—I really appreciate any perspective.