TLDR: boyfriend started texting an old friend he claims only to see once a year at a party, but they only just now exchanged numbers and socials. This was 2 weeks ago, found out couple of days ago by seeing him text her whilst sitting next to me, don’t know if they’re still texting.
I (28f) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (30m) for a little over two years now. This is both our first real relationship. He recently started texting a new girl and it has sent me into a spiral.
Before I start the story, I want to give a little context: I have pretty strong anxious attachment with a huge fear of abandonment. I am in therapy for this and actively work on it. However, I’d like to hear some different perspectives, as I can’t seem to get out of my spiral.
About two weeks ago, my boyfriend went to a party he goes to every year. A couple of days ago he casually mentioned the name of a girl I had never heard before, he said she texted that she had to remind his friends it was his birthday soon. When I asked who she was, he said she’s part of a different friend group some of his friends have and they see each other once a year at this party. I didn’t pry for more information, as at the moment I didn’t really think anything of it, since he said it so casually and reacted pretty neutral to my question (I also said it in a curious tone, not an accusing one, at least I think and hope). Later that night, I saw he was texting her again. She sent a photo of her and two of his friends, as they were on a trip together, and he replied to it, whilst sitting next to me. To my knowledge they had never texted before. Later I found out that they had only recently, since that party, followed each other on social media, so I’m assuming that’s where they also swapped numbers, and that’s when my spiral started.
Something must have happened at that party for them to finally follow each other and get each other’s numbers after all those years. Is it weird that it made some alarm bells go off in my head? That I’m wondering if he thought this was harmless or if he didn’t even bother telling her he has a girlfriend? That I wonder who took the initiative?
I don’t know how long they had been texting at that point and how much they had texted, and I don’t know if they’re still texting. I have only seen him once since I found out, and then he didn’t look at his phone once, even though a few notifications came in, but he also wasn’t actively trying to hide his phone. He didn’t seem tense, just relaxed as normal. For now, I feel like his behaviour towards me hasn’t changed yet, he’s still affectionate, we’re still making plans, discussing plans a few months out, but my spiral did make me question a few times whether something was positive or negative.
I know two weeks isn’t a long time and if something were to happen, I would probably start noticing things in another few weeks. I would just like to hear some outsider perspectives on this. I’m absolutely terrified of speaking to him about it, especially since it’s been a couple of days since he first mentioned her and I don’t want him to think I’m jealous and this is how it’s going to be each time he speaks about another woman from now on. I don’t want to be like this, and I want to be able to trust him and trust that he would never do anything to harm our relationship. However, I do remember now that I once said something slightly drunk to his friends (where he was sitting next to me) that if they wanted to try on someone who was in a relationship they should, as you never know if you don’t try. I regretted it immediately after, but I also didn’t revisit it later and now I’m scared he might have taken it as that he can try with others even though he has someone. This was a couple of months ago. Nonetheless he knows I am absolutely not okay with cheating.
He has only briefly brought her up once in the two weeks. Deep down I know I am probably overreacting, yet I continue to be scared. What should I do? Do I talk to him?
Comments
Yes talk to him but does sound weird
It totally makes sense that you’re feeling uneasy about this and your reaction isn’t irrational at all. It is a little weird that after years of just passing by each other, they suddenly exchanged numbers and started talking, and anyone in your position would wonder about it. Wanting clarity here doesn’t mean you’re being jealous, it just means you value openness in your relationship. The best way forward is to ask him directly, in a calm way, like, Hey, I noticed you and her started talking all of a sudden, and it feels a bit unexpected to me. Can you tell me more about how that happened? That way you’re not accusing him of anything, just being honest about how it feels and giving him space to explain.
Hey, anxiety’s a real B sometimes, ain’t it? I totally get where ur coming from, but also, don’t let self-doubt mess with ur head too much. It’s good u’re in therapy, but remember, communication is key in all relationships. Maybe it’s nbd, but if it’s eatin’ at you, spill the beans. Say somethin’ like, “Hey, noticed you’re chattin’ up XYZ a lot lately, we good?” Keep it chill, and direct. His reaction should tell you a lot really. Hang in there. And remember, you’re worth more than to be kept in the dark.
Yes ask him directly. Preface it with “I am feeling a lot of anxiety about this. I want to know how you are feeling. I would like if you would reassure me, or if you are feeling unsure about our relationship let me know”
Then explain how you are feeling pretty briefly, don’t give him a whole paragraph. Then, LISTEN.
These convos are hard but at 2 years it’s when you start having them more. You can start it by saying “Hey I want to talk to you about something, is now a good time?” So you have his full attention. Good luck
Please don’t follow the advice of “just talk to him.” It’s well-meaning, and usually communication is way to address a relationship issue, but not here.
It could be he has a tiny bit of interest in this girl. This can happen from time to time on both sides in a LTR. IF you have a solid relationship and no reason to not trust your partner, just keep your eyes and ears open and your moth shut. Think about it this way: which approach will get you what you want? Acting confident and self-assured can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and so can acting insecure and anxious. Obviously, if you SUSPECT anything, then confront him–that’s not what I’m saying. But don’t fan a tiny spark of interest into a flame by giving it too much oxygen at this stage. Keep being the person he loves and is committed to (the best version of yourself) and let this little spark die a natural death.