My partner (28m) and I (28f) have been together for about a year and a half. We live in a different country and just moved to a new city. Recently my partner has gotten into some financial difficulty and has maxed out his credit card because of it (about 10k usd).
For the past four months he’s been asking me to loan him money to pay off his statement each month, about 2k-3k per payment. I’ve loaned him the money and he’s always paid me back eventually. He works full time and makes enough money to make the payments but is still asking me to cover him until the statement date.
I’m not the type of person who ever loans money to friends or family, but I decided to help him out because of his situation. I’ve told him this before multiple times, but every time he asks I feel guilty and do it again. He asks the day before his statement is due and it’s just like “babe can you send me 2k, I get paid on xxx date”.
I don’t mind helping out my partner when it comes to rent, food, bills, etc. but asking for large amounts of cash to pay his debt is something I’m not comfortable with, which again, I have made it clear to him.
I know a lot of it is on me because I’ve been sending him money for the past few months but I just don’t feel comfortable sending him large amounts. I don’t have that much money but I do have enough to cover him.
Today, I had another conversation with him about how i feel about it because he asked for 3k last night. It turned into an argument. He got really defensive and saying that I’m not understanding his situation, that I’m overreacting, it’s all in my head, it’s not a big deal, and he that he will just stop asking for money. We were on the phone because he is away for his job, he hung up on me mid convo. Now I feel like shit for bringing it up.
I feel super guilty right now and I don’t know if I’m overreacting or what. I want to be the best partner for him but I’m so lost. I really just need some advice.
Thanks everyone.
TLDR: boyfriend is in financial difficulty, keeps asking for loans. Had a convo about how I’m not comfortable with loaning such large amounts. Turned into an argument, now I feel guilty. What should I do?
Comments
Honestly I would be incredibly uncomfortable under your circumstances lending him the money.
Have you ever met irl?
Have you ever met ?
Otherwise it seems to me he’s trying to gain your trust by regularly reimbursing “””small”” amounts, so that the day he asks you for much much more you’ll feel comfortable sending it to him. Then he’ll disappear.
Personally, I feel he’s taking full advantage and isn’t taking ownership for his own debt. It’s not on you to get him out of his mess.
It’s also interesting that his card is maxed out at $10k and you’ve been giving him $2k-$3k monthly and it’s not paid off? He may just be spending the money.
I would stop or else it’s going to be never ending. I don’t think you’re overreacting or “crazy” at all for feeling this way. If you stop, hopefully soon he won’t be so dependent.
You can say whatever you want, but it doesn’t matter what you say if in the end you still send him the money. The only way you can get clarity on this is to stand by your “no.” The best case scenario is that he feels ashamed about the situation he is in, and he knows you’re right to tell him “no” but he fought with you about it because he felt defensive. If that is the case, then he may be open to a more rational conversation after he cools off. I don’t know what kind of trouble he’s in, that’s what I would focus on. “Hey, I know the money stuff is stressing you out, and I wish you’d share more about it with me so I can help you problem-solve.” (But not in any way that involves more of your money.)
The worst case scenario is that he believes that you are, and should be, his bank. In which case he will come back around and make you feel bad for not lending him money, despite the fact that it makes you uncomfortable (and therefore damages your relationship). If that’s the case, you probably want to break up.
This is the type of conversation that you should give space after for sure. Makes sense that he’s pissed, as he’s no longer getting what he wants as easily, and he’s missing the mark with empathizing with you.
Your partner may reflect and go, “Yeah. My partner’s boundaries make sense. Can’t believe I missed that. Glad I’ve deepened my empathy.”
Your partner may not reflect and go, “Huzzah! I’m a turd burglar. Fuck my partner’s boundaries.”
You know him better than me. I’m also proud of you for learning and sharing your boundaries.
This is the type of conversation that you should give space after for sure. Makes sense that he’s pissed, as he’s no longer getting what he wants as easily, and he’s missing the mark with empathizing with you.
Your partner may reflect and go, “Yeah. My partner’s boundaries make sense. Can’t believe I missed that. Glad I’ve deepened my empathy.”
Your partner may not reflect and go, “Huzzah! I’m a turd burglar. Fuck my partner’s boundaries.”
You know him better than me. I’m also proud of you for learning and sharing your boundaries.
It’s one thing if you insist on helping him bc you want to and have extra funds, but personally for me it’s a turn off that he asks you to help him with his debt and when you say you’re uncomfortable he gets defensive and says “you don’t understand” why is him being financially irresponsible with his own money YOUR problem? Why would he guilt trip you or try to convince you? Does he have zero pride? High key a turn off and just a minus overall. 10k worth of debt isn’t an accident and why is it so constant? If it was just one month he over extended ok sure, but it’s a constant thing. No no no he’s now over spending because he knows he has you to fall back on no no no
that’s a lot of money tbh. I don’t think I’ll lend my bf or even my family that much money.
Absolutely fucking not.
It depends on your situation and the dinamics of your relationship between you and him
Why would he keep needing it if he has it by the time of payday? He should switch the payment date to pay day because one day, if he can’t pay you back, then what?
Just … don’t mix money and relationships like this until you properly know each other and can trust he won’t just run away without paying one month