TL;DR: My boyfriend (M21) and I (F21) have a rocky past where he hurt me a lot, but now he’s changed and is an amazing partner. The problem is I can’t stop dwelling on what he did back then, and it’s affecting me. How do I let go of the past and move forward?
Hi everyone,
I (F21) am struggling with something in my relationship and would love some outside perspective. My boyfriend (M21) and I have known each other for about two years. In the beginning, things were really good — we took it slow, spent lots of time together, and eventually he asked me to be exclusive, which I said yes to.
But not long after, things got rocky. There was a night where he denied we were exclusive (even though he had asked me), and later on he blocked me out of nowhere. During that time I started seeing someone else casually, but when that ended, my now-boyfriend came back into my life. By then, though, he had completely changed — partying every weekend, drinking, doing drugs, hooking up with other girls in front of me, and then begging to go home with me. It was a toxic cycle for about a year where he would pull me back in and then hurt me again, especially involving other women.
Eventually, we stopped talking for a long time. Since then, he’s really worked on himself. Honestly, he’s the best version of himself I’ve ever known now. He’s kind, consistent, and a wonderful boyfriend — I truly love him. The only problem is… I can’t stop thinking about the past.
I keep getting upset when I remember or find out new things he did during that period. For example, I recently found an old Reddit post he made about another girl he had “an amazing experience with,” which was the same night he told me he loved me and asked me to pick him up from a festival. Stuff like that just eats at me, even though I know it’s in the past. He’s sorry, he loves me, and I don’t want to keep reopening old wounds.
My questions are:
Am I silly for saying yes to dating him again before I was fully over the past?
Am I overreacting when I get upset about new things I find out about his past?
How do I stop shutting down whenever I think about the other girls he’s been with?
Is this jealousy, or something deeper I need to work on?
I really want to make this work because he’s amazing now, but I don’t know how to let go of all the baggage. Any advice would be so appreciated
Comments
2 years is not nearly enough for all those events to unfold. Change of character cannot be that abrupt imho. You are not overreacting per se but you are naive to assume you wouldn’t uncover new truths. I think you are better off with someone where you need to be on the lookout for bad stuff happening.
It was wayyy too soon to begin with. But now its done, so if you want to stay in the relationship you can but keep looking for the flags that were present earlier. I would bet they’d come back rather sooner than later and then its time to let go without these doubts.
You need counseling to help you figure this out. The majority of advice you’ll get here is “leave him.” But if you are determined to stay, you need a professional to help you sort it all out.