Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/tmxtuYteKe
First of all, thank you to all the people who took the time to read me and comment! Your support has been amazing.
Here is an update since some of you asked for it. I tried to keep it short but it’s not easy. Hope I’m not too long!
My big brother texted me yesterday evening asking why I took such a big decision and saying that dad is not doing okay.
I called my brother this morning to talk about it. To make a long story short, my brother’s version: I’m screwing the family dynamic and making things hard on my dad. Therapy is mostly bullshit and I’m just being difficult. My mom complained as well (I’ve been parentified and finally, a few months ago, felt brave enough to set boundaries). I’ve not been nice to my dad because I didn’t give him my address (a few months ago my dad asked for my address and said he’d stop by without warning as he always does. I told him not to do, I hated it. He brushed it off. I never gave him my address to keep my peace and quiet). I shouldn’t have said anything about my stepmother and should think about the consequences it has on the whole family. That my words have been too harsh (my reply: « I didn’t tell him his wife was a fcking btch even though it’s my opinion so no I haven’t been too harsh). It changes everything for everyone. I should be more thankful to my parents. I shouldn’t be so hard and let people have their way or I should have spoken before.
My version: I’ve never been brave enough to talk my truth. Both my brothers have had the chance to live their lives: I was the one behind, taking care of my mom and basically being her parent. I have a right to decide for myself: I can refuse calls after 8PM, decide who I want in my home, say no when I don’t want things to happen. I needed therapy because I’ve been complacent with everyone my whole life. I finally deserve a chance to live my own life and I’m setting my rules. Accept them, don’t discuss them and either stay or leave.
After having had my brother on the phone, I decided to call my dad. Apparently he understood that I didn’t want to see him with his wife anymore. What I meant was: I don’t want her in my home.
I told my dad that my home was my safe space and I didn’t want people I wasn’t comfortable around in it. He laughed, said he loved me but my reasoning was stupid. I told him she hurt me and I made a list if he wanted examples. He laughed about me making a list. I gave examples, he excused them all, said I exaggerated. According to him, I was well treated: she didn’t beat me or abused me, I was fed and she did things for me. He couldn’t give me a single example of what she « did for me ». He didn’t care about anything on the list (from my previous post), brushed it off. Even when I told him he never defended me. He said I was still his daughter, he loved me but wasn’t going to see me without his wife, that we would call anyway. He added that his wife has been crying for days about it (like wtf?). He told me I should have talked to her. I told him I never felt safe enough to talk to her face to face. But I could call her.
Now, should I call her to tell her why I basically hate her?
I just can’t decide. It’d be liberating and nobody could use the argument « you should be an adult and talk to her directly » but at the same time it feels weird to call someone why you hate them.
I’ve always been conflict avoidant so this is all so new to me 😂
Comments
You have stated a perfectly reasonable and acceptable boundary that she is not welcome in your home and given perfectly valid reasons why.
If your father, who values his wife more than his daughter, is not willing to accept and adhere to this, then it’s his loss. What loss is it to you not to see a father who allowed his wife to abuse you, who never defended or protected you, who expected you to be the carer for your mother whilst your brothers got to live their lives? Ask yourself this? If the choice is to only see your father if you are willing to allow his wife continued access and opportunity to abuse you or to see neither of them at all, isn’t it an obvious choice for you to make?
Your brothers never had to deal with what you had to deal with. If they are so lacking in empathy and understanding that they are unable to understand and sympathise with your experiences, then they aren’t a great loss either.
Sometimes the family we get born into isn’t worth keeping and we are better off finding and creating our own family to love, to spend time with, to rely on.
OP honestly it’s time for you to go NC with your dad ( and honestly the rest do the family too) .
I’m sorry but it don’t sit right with me at all , how your father laughed trough the entire phone call while you were listing all the abuses you were put through by the woman HE chose to marry and put in his house to live with his kids.
Your father just proved to you that he don’t care about you or what his awful wife did to you when he said “He said I was still his daughter, he loved me but wasn’t going to see me without his wife, that we would call anyway. He added that his wife has been crying for days about it “.
This is literally him admitting to you that the woman he fucks matter more to him than you , the way he also manage to present her as a victim and make it about her feelings by saying she have been crying for days about it just proved it .
You have your own life and it’s clear your father ( and honestly the entire rest of the family ) have no interest in being part of it and contributing to your happiness .
Your entire family sounds extremely dismissive and is damn near gaslighting you for standing up for yourself after years of abuse and neglect.
Save yourself unnecessary additional years of hurt cut all of those people off , build you own family and be happy WITHOUT them in it .
You will absolutely not lose anything . They weren’t there for you during your childhood they don’t get to be there and sabotage it for you now that you are finally standing on your two feet and seeing the happiness at the end of the tunnel.
Im sorry your family are all pieces of sh*t
Why won’t you cut these awful people off?
OP, dont open Pandora’s box by trying to talk to her. she will go full on victim mode on your father and probably will make him chose between you and her
Unfortunately, sometimes we have to make a very difficult decision and choose whether, for our own peace of mind, for inner calm, and above all for ourselves, it might be better to simply end certain relationships with very close people. Unfortunately, making such a decision is sometimes extremely difficult…
They have all been so dismissive of you and have shown zero willingness to even try to understand where you’re coming from: That’s not surprising, actually – if you were “right” it would become uncomfortable and require consequences and they don’t want that, so they will never acknowledge your points.
A phone call with stepmother is not going to bring anything positive, can only add stress to you. I honestly think it’s healthier for you to “retreat” (go LC / NC) rather than continue trying to hash it out; they’ll just accuse you of being unhinged. Silence on your part is better for you atm.
by developing a spine, you took away your family’s convenient door mat. they dont care about your sacrifice, they are more annoyed by the lack of a convenient serf. do what ever you want. in the medium term, you will eventuate towards going no contact. your future is yours alone
Your brother is pissed because with you making healthy boundaries he’s now going to be taking the brunt of your parents BS.
Listen, you did the work. You went to therapy. Don’t move backwards!!!!! Look out for yourself. Congrats on finding love and getting married.
Sometimes, going NC is the best choice. You already stated your reasons, and if your family refuses to understand, then there is nothing more for you there. Go NC and have a good life away from people who don’t care about you or your well being.
DO NOT CALL HER. Think about it – your dad just basically said youre full of it and nothing you say, feel or think has any merit or requires anyone to take seriously. Do you think she will be different?
You wont get closure from others – closure only comes from within.
You cannot force them to see things from your perspective. You cannot even convince them to acknowledge you have one. They cannot even comprehend the fact that your perspective is what your life is lived by, and not theirs.
Take a deep breath. Think about what you expect from healthy, respectful and loving relationships. Ask yourself why this is important to you. Then define the consequences you are willing to live with, in case of breach.
What is there really to gain by talking to her. She won’t listen and it’s less likely she will apologize. But I am curious how that call would go.
Don’t give her the chance to spin the narrative. You don’t owe her shit.
My advice is cut all that does not serve you. Dinner at a restaurant once a year seems fair for both mom and dad and even brother.
Go find your happiness and pursue it.
NAh she isn’t worth wasting your breath on. Personally I’d just go LC with your Dad because this is going to be a carousel ride where you just go round and round but dont get anywhere. He can’t admit to his failings and blames you for them.
Why drag this out? You’re talking to him because he’s your dad. You don’t like step mom or have a relationship with her so calling her at this point would just cause you more pain. I think you’ll just have to let them & the idea of pleasing your family go.
Your family cares more about keeping you in your position as enabler of their dysfunction than it does about you and your personal needs and boundaries. Your priorities don’t match theirs.
And that’s their problem, not yours. They won’t change unless you step away.