I’ve been with this girl on and off for about two years. I’ve broken up with her a few times and every time I’ve ended up chasing her back. We’re together again now but it feels like we just can’t stop fighting.
She’s from Italy and I’m from the US. We have very different lifestyles. She loves going out late, going to clubs and big dinners. I’m more quiet and I don’t enjoy that scene. She smokes a lot and her family doesn’t really believe in seatbelts, car seats, or even helmets when skiing. They also drink and drive, which makes me really uncomfortable.
When we argue it can get pretty bad. She yells at me, especially when she’s been drinking, and a few days ago she threw my phone against the wall. I think she can tell I’m not happy, and I don’t think she’s fully happy either.
My parents are supposed to come visit us in a few months and I feel stuck. I don’t know if I should keep pushing through or finally end it. Part of me wants her to be the one to break it off because I’ve already been the one to do it so many times.
I also catch myself thinking about past girls or other women I could be with. It makes me feel like I don’t really want this anymore. I know I probably struggle with “grass is greener” thinking, but I also know a relationship shouldn’t be this hard.
What should I do?
TLDR:
Together 2 yrs but always fighting. Different cultures, bad arguments, not happy. Do I finally walk away?
Comments
Really?? End it. Stop going back.
Dude. Yall do not sound compatible.
She sounds like the kind of girl you sow your wild oats with, not for settling down. You don’t need a perfect match in a mature relationship, but you should probably have similar lifestyles and values?
Obviously you should break up, you’re terrible together. If you can afford individual counseling, it might be helpful to have a space where you can figure out what your part has been in this unfortunate dynamic.
I’m really sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Of course you walk away. She’s abusive. It will only change for the worse.
You deserve better.
I’d also like to add that I feel like Italian just argue a ton. Her parents argue often but have been together for 50 years. Her sister has a kid with a guy who treats her terribly. Meanwhile my parents have been together 40 years no problem and all three of my siblings are married in happy relationships with kids
I would just like to say something important for the sake of it: Those are NOT cultural differences. Those are personality differences.
You are NOT COMPATIBLE as two individuals. You can blame it on “culture” because it is easier to do so, but it is just wrong. Both countries have the same religion and same western values, so i wouldn’t really grow conclusions.
I am in part Italian and my family is fully italian and noone enjoys clubbing, going late, drinking too much etc. Absolutely wear seatbealts and helmets when skiing. I know a ton of americans who are much much more outgoing than the italians i know – so there is absolutely no conclusion here.
If peace feels like a breakup, it’s probably the right move.
There’s “the grass is greener” and then there’s “my yard is just a pit for mud wrestling in”
Drunk driving would be a dealbreaker for me. That’s an easy one. You can’t build a life with someone who isn’t being basically conscientious about staying alive.
Destroying (or attempting to destroy) your property is another easy dealbreaker.
That all being said, you don’t talk about what starts your arguments. And that makes me wonder: Staying out late, going to clubs, big dinners? To me, that’s who she is, and you can’t fight about that stuff. If she wants to do that, okay, she wants to do that, and if you don’t want to do that, don’t date that person. If that’s the source of some of your fights, yeah, you two are just incompatible.
Reading between the lines it sounds a little bit like you’re causing the arguments by getting into her (or being passive aggressive) about lifestyle stuff, and then it spirals into really bad behavior from her. But the thing is: this is who she is, she’s not going to change (at least, not on a meaningful timeline for you) so when somebody’s behavior is just so fundamentally incompatible with what you want in a partner, it doesn’t need to be a lot of drama. You can just go your separate ways.