TL;DR: just me brooding and feeling stuck in terms of making progress because my bad habits are causing strain in the relationship, but I feel unable to change. It must be serving some twisted service, but I just need to know I’m not alone in being a trash human. I’m afraid to admit something is wrong with me.
I don’t want sympathy either.
Known each other for 3 years, dating for 2. I don’t know if it’s advice that would make any damn of a difference, I just need to know that there are others who have been here…
It’s having to face myself, the part of me who hurts people, that is the most challenging. For too long I’ve put on this face that I was well-adjusted and “always ready” for a relationship/marriage.
I am not in any way, currently as I am.
I drive partners away with my bad habits, yet still struggle to stop the habits. Maybe the purpose these habits serve is to keep distance between me and others because I’m afraid of closeness.
It’s hard to admit that you aren’t trying hard enough in your relationships, not because you don’t care, but because you’re afraid. You feel unworthy, somehow. You even defend these behaviors when confronted. Of course there will be no change.
But as much as I want to let these behaviors go, why does it feel so scary, and difficult as if I’m letting go of a core part of myself? Isn’t it not unhealthy?? So why?
We’re in couple’s counseling and both will also start individual counseling. I do want this, and with no one else, but I numb out every time I’m faced with my ugly self. I feel like a fraud for continuing on. Who am I to say I want this when I’m so horrible?
It’s like before I can change, I have to admit I’m a trash human after all, and maybe that’s where I’m stuck… I’m afraid to admit something is wrong with me