For some background: I (44F) have been with my wife (45F) for 10 years now. Half of that time we were long distance because I was a single mom and my main priority was raising my son. Early on in our relationship, things got messy with her family. Specifically, her sister-in-law and I got into a heated argument about politics. It escalated quickly, and she hit below the belt first by making a nasty comment about my parenting, basically saying she felt sorry for my son for having me as a mother. That cut deep, and instead of walking away, I retaliated with something I regret to this day: I told her that her miscarriages were a sign from God that she didn’t deserve children. It was cruel and way out of line, and I can own that. But at the same time, the argument was fueled by spite, bitterness, and anger on both sides. It was one of those moments you wish you could erase but can’t.
The dynamic with her has always been messy. She dated women in high school but has since pretended to be aggressively homophobic ever since marrying a man. The hypocrisy is laughable—she even refused to acknowledge her own sister-in-law’s wife, instead calling her a “friend.” It’s ridiculous, and honestly, exhausting.
Fast forward to now, nearly a decade later. That blow-up happened in 2016, but neither of us have spoken since. The only saving grace is that we live in different states, so avoidance has been relatively easy. Whenever my wife goes to see her family, I’ve just stayed behind—it keeps the peace. But lately, my wife has been asking me to come along. She’s tired of feeling like she has to split her life in two: her family on one side, and me on the other. I’ve encouraged her to be honest with her family about how this makes her feel. I’ve even spoken with her mother myself, trying to bridge the gap. But nothing changes. Her family continues to act like it’s easier to appease the sister-in-law than acknowledge me as part of the family, even though the sister-in-law has shown constant disrespect to my wife’s parents—especially her dad.
Last Thanksgiving gave me some hope. My wife and I drove up to her family’s cabin to spend the holiday with her parents and her twin sister. Her parents didn’t arrive until the next day, so I grilled turkey legs for myself and the twins. It ended up being a beautiful, relaxing holiday. When her parents did arrive, everything flowed effortlessly. For the first time, I felt like maybe things were turning a corner. I even shared a quiet moment with her dad, sitting on the porch drinking coffee while he shared personal stories with me. It felt genuine, like he was finally letting me in. I held onto that moment.
But then recently, reality came crashing back. Her dad is about to retire and celebrate his birthday. The family reached out begging my wife to attend—but the invitation was only for her. No explanation, no excuses, just a flat-out exclusion of me. The real reason is obvious: the sister-in-law. Any time I’m around, she throws a tantrum. The last time I was even in the same city, she threatened to keep her kids away from their grandparents if I was allowed to visit. Since she has the biological grandkids, my wife’s parents cave to her every demand. They’re too timid to stand up to her, so I get pushed out. The only reason I was able to enjoy Thanksgiving with them was because—for once—she had other plans.
That’s when it hit me: after 10 years, after all the holidays, after all the effort, her parents will never truly recognize our marriage as real. My wife is welcome, but I am always excluded. I’ve told my wife countless times that I never wanted to take her away from her family—I just wanted to be included as part of her life. But after a decade of being left out, I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending things are fine when they clearly aren’t. I feel like a fool for believing pleasantries that were never genuine.
And now I’m questioning everything. Why should I be the one to mend things with someone who has disrespected not only me, but her entire family? Why does her tantrum dictate everyone’s lives? I love my wife deeply, with all my heart. She uprooted her life to be with me. But her family’s spinelessness, their refusal to defend us, and this constant exclusion have broken something in me.
So here’s my question: am I the asshole for wanting to leave my wife because her parents don’t have the courage to stand up to their daughter-in-law?
Comments
NTA – but you have been putting up with this for ten years. It deserves at least some effort to have a conversation
You love your wife. Keep her.
You hate the SIL. Don’t keep her.
NTA I say keep showing up, be composed and let them blow up and show who the real A is
Soft yes, you are TA.
Your wife has zero control over her parents or her sister in law. Her parents are inevitably going to value their daughter over you. You are clearly welcomed by her parents, but you are asking them to compromise either her father’s joy at a party for him by watching his homophobic daughter on law have a tantrum, or excluding his son and daughter in law and their children- his grandchildren, in order to invite you. Your wife is doing a lot to maintain her relationship with her family in a way that doesn’t bring conflict to you, including having her parents over for a holiday where you did get a chance to feel connected.
Leaving your wife because of the behavior of her sister in law, which she isn’t inviting or tolerating more than she has to in order to maintain her relationship with her parents, or asking her parents to choose you over their bigot daughter in law and grandchildren, or asking them to invite misery by way of fighting and ruin the event… is pretty unfair.
You can ask your wife to stand on business, that you should be a plus one of course or she won’t attend- but that is also really painful for her and her parents- but you can’t ask her to change her parents or her sister in law for you.
Edit for clarity- sister vs. Sister in law. The end result is very much the same.
NTA – But you are at risk to be.
I feel you are about to walk in with an ultimatum.
“Fix this or I nuke our life”
Ultimatum’s are never ok. Just end the relationship clean if that’s what you’ll do.
Have a conversation about this exact thing. That you’re thinking about leaving, that you can’t stay in a marriage that isn’t even seen as a marriage, that you can’t spend time associating with someone whose family thinks you’ll soil the purity of children with your presence. That going so long without change and without apologies has lead to this, and intolerance cannot be tolerated.
The parents aren’t monsters for wanting to prioritise their own children over you, even when they are being terrible people. You aren’t a monster for wanting to live a life where you don’t feel like a second rate family member. The sister is the problem, and no one is willing to fix it.
And I suspect the sister will never warm to you or accept you, even if the homophobia subsided. I think any chance of that died with the miscarriage comment, I’m sure the resentment only amplifies all the other “reasons” she hates you. That kind of thing kills even good relationships for good.
Good luck OP. I hope the conversation goes well and you guys have some cathartic and enlightening moments from it. But be prepared for the worst – or arguably maybe best – here.
You’re NTA for feeling the way you do, at all, but divorce is the nuclear option. You need to have a difficult conversation with your wife, probably a series of them. Does she truly understand the extent of your feelings? She needs to understand exactly how serious this is and she may not realise you’re at a breaking point. Talking with an LGBTQIA+ positive marriage counsellor would also be a great idea, because navigating this will be complicated. This won’t be easy, but give her a chance to fix this before you throw away 10 years.
Yes, your wife is your family. I know of parents who aren’t on board with their own biological gay children.
This is your wife’s problem! What, if anything, is she doing to help you with all this?
I mean it sucks, the family drama, but your relationship is about the woman you love, everyone else truly can either want to enjoy a connection with you or not, it shouldn’t break what you have with your wife down.
>I told her that her miscarriages were a sign from God that she didn’t deserve children
Jesus H Jones. She called you a bad mom and you said she deserved to have her kid die. WTF.
You and SIL both suck and you’re putting your wife in the middle
>The real reason is obvious: the sister-in-law.
No. The reason is that you told her that she deserved to have her kid die (ETA: and keep in mind that was your in laws grandchild that again, you celebrated dying). She doesn’t want to be around you. Her parents have chosen her because while she’s a bitch, they’ve known her longer
Your wife isn’t the issue. Your SIL is.
NTA. Yes you hit her with a low blow but she didn’t do herself any favors either. The issue i see is she has convinced everyone you are the problem. I recommend sending everyone a message that you are willing to meet with your SIL in a therapist’s office to fix or try to patch things up. This way it makes you look like the reasonable one. Divorce is messy and people are always hurt. Also, if you were to divorce your wife would blame her SIL for it all and create more chaos. This is an issue you both allowed to fester.
Updateme!
Why are there random twins in the middle of the story? Faaaaaake.
Look! An Ai generated catfight!
I recommend therapy for you both. My SO and I were together for 11 years when we went to therapy once a week for 6 months. Why? Because she had been holding so much in she just could not pretend that everything is fine anymore.
We are still together years later and better than ever.
I hope the same for you and your wife.
Well… it is not your wife’s fault that her sister is the way she is. It sounds like she has tried to steer the dynamic and failed.
And exactly what are you left out of? Do you REALLY want to subject yourself to the SIL? Who won’t change? Or the rest of the family who enables her?
I would take the win. When your wife goes, enjoy your time away from that mess. Do something enjoyable.
Its the best revenge to not allow these people to dictate how you live your life…and that includes keeping your wife.
This is one of those moments when marriage counseling can really help. Figuring out a way for both of you to get your needs met and communicating productively would be a great goal.
NTA. You have a wife problem. She won’t stand up for you and allows the bullying/exclusion to continue. Why waste more time on someone who doesn’t actually value you?
NTA
However your wife no matter how much she loves you hasn’t been on your side much from the looks of it. Your in laws do seem that maybe they do recognize your relationship as real but don’t want to risk losing their grandchildren over it.
I would say there are other options here though.
Talk to the parents and see if grandparents rights are worth it for them. If it is they can threaten to go after her in court for that next time she threatens them.
Your wife makes a choice to exclude her family till they get the message that your a packaged deal.
You tell your wife about how you are feeling and offer the other two options I spoke of.
You say you love your wife deeply, it’s up to the wife now to lay down the law . Either they include you and make peace or there will be no relationship at all from the wife’s side too.
When you take the vow of marriage it means staying together through good times and bad times….hope you choose eachother. Best of luck.
NTA but you really should go to marriage counseling. I don’t think your spouse fully comprehends the mental stress this is putting on the marriage.
I’m the same but it’s with my husbands sister and we hate each other to the point where I won’t go to my in-laws house and neither will my kids (sister in law still lives with her parents) the only way we can make things amicable is by having family gatherings at my house, there’s a Christmas Day at my in-laws and one at mine, birthdays is also split and when it’s my kids birthdays my in-laws come over for a few hours and that’s it.
You shouldn’t have to travel a distance just to be treated like 💩.
However breaking up with your wife over someone else’s actions is completely unreasonable, she isn’t doing it to you and she probably feels really shitty that you’re put through this all the time.
Have a talk about the situation how both of you feel (making sure you also listen to what’s hurting her) and then come up with reasonable adjustments and accommodations for each situation, make a plan and stick to it.
You’re a team, fight together not with one another
Did you ever apologize for the comment about miscarriages?
I’m a little confused. You’re considering leaving your wife, but didn’t seem to mention what she did “wrong” anywhere in here. Are you holding her responsible for her parents’ unwillingness to stand up to her SIL?
Eh, it may hurt when people don’t do things the way they SHOULD, but ultimately who gives a fuck about her family? Enjoy your life with your wife and without her extended family.
“ making a nasty comment about my parenting,”
We need more info on this.
Honestly, some things are shitty enough that you can’t ever forgive them. What you did is one of those things.
YTA
Feels like there’s a middle way to try first, which is having a conversation with your wife telling her exactly how you feel about all of this.
How would you feel about doing stuff with just her parents, for example? Or her twin sister?
How would your wife feel about not going to events where you are not invited?
Feels like there are some boundaries you can discuss and set that may work for both of you before you jump to ending a 10-year relationship.
Good luck, OP, you are NTA.
YTA
It takes an real mean steak to say that a miscarriage was justified punishment. I really don’t understand women who cut other women this way. Had you done that to my wife, we would have simply walked away and never spoken to you again.
How do you know who your wife’s sister in law dated in high school? How does a man with two gay sisters marry a homophobe? Story sounds really fake.
I sure wouldn’t give her family the satisfaction of walking away from a relationship you cherish just because her family are wimps and aren’t willing to deal with the SIL. I feel sorry for your wife, who has to deal with parents who don’t respect her marriage. But your wife kinda needs to grow a backbone, here, and say, “Look, enough is enough. If you can’t include my wife as part of the family, then you’re telling me that I’m not a part of the family, either. If SIL can’t behave properly, that’s not my wife’s fault.”
At this point, this is a choice your wife has to make, not you. If she chooses her family over you, then you know where you stand and can act accordingly. She’s been just as much as a wimp on your behalf as her parents have been with regards to SIL. It’s a talking point worth exploring with her, and it’s up to you to be honest how you are feeling at this point. After that, It’s up to her. I hope she chooses wisely.
I have to kinda laugh at SIL’s declaration that if you are there, she’s keeping the grandchildren away from them. Umm . . . guess what? Your wife is still a lesbian, whether you’re there or not. What is she protecting her children from? From someone who gave as good as they got in an argument that SHE started years ago?
Wrong question.
It should be, “AITA for wanting to leave my wife because she doesn’t have the courage to stand up to her parents?
Because here’s the thing. You will never change her parents behavior. Only your wife can do that. And she doesn’t.
NTA to them you are not family you are just somebody that their child knows they’re not gonna change their lives for you. You should most definitely leave her. Nothing good will come from you staying.
NTA: It’s not you, nor is it your wife. It’s not the Wife’s parents. It’s the Wife’s Brother who is actually the culprit here! He needs to check his old lady! He is letting her DESTROY his sister’s marriage AND her relationship with her parents! He’s the one who married her and brought her into the family! It’s on his scardy-cat butt to fix things! What kind of “MAN” let’s his parents be manipulated/controlled with their own grandchildren? Not to mention what He’s allowing to happen to his own sister! This guy needs to head on down to ‘Balls R-Us’ and rent a pair of size 10’s and fix this!
Sorry for this Edit, but I just thought of something.
About 8 years ago My Wife and my Sister in Law got into a bad spat, it really disrupted our relationship (my brother and I). It lasted up til the day after Thanksgiving. He and I left our respective cell phones on top of notes for our wives and went down south for some Brothers time! That Sunday morning we called from the Hotel we were at and found out that they had ended the feud and were at breakfast together with the kids. Just a thought…
SIL has kids? I thought you were in trouble for saying her miscarriages were a sign from God?
It sounds like your wife wants you to go with her. If you’re not invited, she should tell them you are a package deal. But she’s not responsible for her parents or her SIL. She can’t fix something that is not within her power. You also haven’t reached out to SIL and apologized.
I will tell you as someone who had miscarriages. I would never forgive you for saying that. You say you owned how wrong it is Did you sincerely apologize to SIL?
I’m not seeing how you are doing anything to make the situation better. To threaten to leave your wife for something you created seems like an asshole move
You sound like a miserable person, YTA
You wouldn’t break up because of SIL. You’d break up because your wife’s family AND YOUR WIFE doesn’t see you as important, family or gives a shit about you.
I really hope you leave
Soft YTA because it’s not your wife’s fault her family is kinda shit. At the bare minimum, I’d apologize to the in law for the cruel comment you made and express to everyone that it was made in the heat of the moment and you do truly feel bad for hitting her below the belt. Tell them all too that you’d really like to be able to attend these family events, because at the end of the day to me it does seem like you love them all. However, at that point, if she continues to be rude, it shows that she has an inability to move on– at which point your wife should stand up for you. If she doesn’t, I wouldn’t blame you for reevaluating your relationship. I will say it does bother me that she hasn’t already, but it may be that she has a more timid personality like her parents so who knows.
NTA. But this is also a big issue and deserves a serious sit down discussion. And frankly if what you’ve said is an accurate picture of the SIL, you might have hit the nail on the head about her as a parent. She doesn’t sound like a good person, let alone a good parent. And to force a family to cave to her and exclude their blood kid’s partner? It’s just evil. Something needs to give here and if it’s not going to be your partner standing up for you, then maybe you do need to leave. You deserve better than being excluded and your wife is complicit by attending without you. If she really cared, she would put up an equal fit of not coming around if they don’t include you. It’s extremely messed up. You don’t deserve to be treated like an outsider and then her getting upset that you don’t come when you arent invited. She’s allowed this precedent to be set when it never should have been allowed to begin with. And frankly the SIL can get over herself. She insulted you first. Seriously sounds like you hit home and she’s just mad about it. People like that inevitably alienate their own kids and then wonder why they don’t have a relationship with them.
Honestly, YTA.
Because you’re letting people outside the marriage dictate your feelings towards your wife.
You never mentioned your feelings towards your wife,only her family’s attitude towards you.
Or maybe you’re using her family’s treatment of you as an excuse instead of addressing problems between you and your wife.
Does the disrespect of her family tarnish the love you have for her? If you dont have love for her anymore and dont believe it can come back, then maybe it is time to leave.
But I think if you do still love her, its time to put your foot down. Explain that you are done trying to move forward because they refuse to, and she should be upset with her family for making her feel split. She would rather you suck it up than her rock the boat with her parents or SIL. My wife is conflict avoidant as well so I get it, but there comes a point where she HAS to stand up for you.
Your wife needs to address this, not you. It’s her shitty family. If she refuses or sees no problem with their behavior, then yes, leave. NTA.
Most ppl don’t want to visit their In-laws so you’ve been given a sort of jail free card. If not being invited to family events is more important than being with your wife, then divorce, NTA.
Sure it sucks, but if you love your Wife it doesn’t seem worth divorcing over.
Updateme
Does your wife back you in these instances? Does she tell her family she won’t attend without you or does she roll over and allow them to ignore your existence?
If it’s the former, keep her but cut off her family. If it’s the latter and she’s letting them disrespect you after a decade together, then you care clearly more than she does and it may be time to move on and find a partner who cares enough to put you first.
You wrote that you “never want to take your wife away from her family,” but I think it’s time to revisit that sentiment. Your wife is clearly tired of the problem as well, SHE doesn’t want to compartmentalize her life, but YOU have made some genuine good faith efforts to bond with her family. It’s truly time to bring up with your wife about NOT seeing her family if SIL will be present.
I think you owe it her and yourself to have the conversation of your wife going low or no contact with her family if they continue to treat you both this way.
Why would you divorce your wife because her family sucks? That’s not really your wife’s fault.
Yes, it’s not ideal, your wife can either choose to be with you on the holiday or be with her family. If you feel like you are constantly being sidelined by your wife, then that’s definitely time to reassess the marriage and see if it’s meeting your Relationship standards.
If your wife feels like she’s being split into, that’s not on you either, that’s definitely on your wife’s parents for excluding you. The easiest solution here sounds like you swap every other year. Brother and his kids come without wife one year, your wife goes without you one year.
Because sister-in-law sounds like she sucks, she’s never going to agree to that, but at that point, it’s for your wife to decide what happens next .
What’s your wife decides will tell you whether or not you want to stay in this relationship.
But, it’s really important to actually communicate with your wife and have her communicate to her parents how uncomfortable this is making both of you feel.
NTA. 10 years is too long to be in this mess. Just move on. She’s never going to stand up to her parents and they made their choice. Was your comment about the miscarriages below the belt, maybe. But she was giving as good as she got.
You say you love your wife, you said despicable things to her relative, the family continues to protect that relative from you. OK, SEEMS FAIR. What you said certainly speaks to your character, when so,some is angry, who says things like that? So, let your wife go to family events as she wishes, it’s not your family. If there are events they welcome you to, go. If you think leaving her over this is the thing to do, you should go and let her start over, you aren’t in love.
YTA. If this is real, you’re being ridiculous. This is the difference between real love and a show love. Do you really need the validation of your wife’s family, do you need to be chosen first, and your feelings to be put first? Grow up, and realize what is making you angry. If you love your wife, you love her; there are 10 million reasons to stay the course and a few to jump ship. Good luck OP.
Also, I have another question for op do you have friends that you hang out with by yourself? Does your wife have that she sees by herself if so why does it bother you so much that the wife is gonna go to the parents where there is a bigot there ? does it make you feel like less part of the family do you wanna just have gatherings where the parents come by so you can feel part of the family why does this mean so much to you isn’t the life that you chose to be just with the wife as opposed to with everybody else does everybody else become the dealbreaker for you? Can’t you just use the time to do diverging you want that maybe your wife doesn’t like?
You have a choice let your wife visit her family on her own or you nuke your marriage with your ultimatum, and loose your wife.Because either your wife agrees that she won’t see her family again and resents you – eventually ending your marriage. Or you dump her and probably loose the best thing in your life.Because it’s not guaranteed you’re finding a better replacement partner afterwards.And then you’ll regret your foolishness but it’ll be too late. If the problem is just you and your SIL , just stay away from her .Simples ,hey ? Or are you using your situation with your SIL as cover for underlying motivations ?
Letting the sister in law cause your divorce is weak. Assert yourself. Don’t let others sins cause you to make the worst decision of your life.
First question do you love your wife? Because I do understand the frustration of being with someone but their family looks upon you like an outsider.
She hasn’t fully accepted or understands that her family loves her and by default (barely) tolerates her lifestyle. The two of you will have to talk about this and hopefully she’ll realize that you love her but cannot get along with her family and to push you to be the one to try to extend “the hand of friendship” just to be mocked and belittled is exhausting and that you have no desire to do so.
Now I would suggest that you two talk it out even possibly try couples counseling. Because it seems not to be a issue that she’s downplaying what you’re going through with her family but more of she’s kinda Pollyanna thinking that everyone will get along
Updateme
How often are these interactions with your in-laws? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year?
Only during the holidays?
You deserve better
OP, is the SIL still childless? To your knowledge, have there been any more miscarriages, failed IVFs, etc ?
If so, perhaps SIL is pinning some of that hurt on what you said.
I’m not defending her since she has also been awful to you as well but you have children, lobbed that grenade at her and the whole family knows about it.
You don’t owe Reddit an answer but if any of that applies, perhaps consider talking about it with your wife and a therapist. I hope you find a peaceful way forward.
You have every right to want to leave this behind you, but dont say it’s because of the SIL. She may be causing issues, but the problem.hwre is your wife doing the same as everyone else. Your wife isn’t protecting you. She isn’t telling her family, “If you disrespect my wife, you disrespect me.” She’s not the one standing up for the relationship. She wants you to come to family events to endure the bs, but she doesn’t want to be the one to actually rock the boat by saying “no more.” Your wife can’t have it both ways. If she is tired of feeling like her life is split, she needs to stand up and do something about it. If she doesn’t want to do that, well, she’s made her choice as to what’s most important to her. SIL may be a major issue but its your wife thats the problem.
Sounds like you love your wife.
I am not naive enough to imply that is enough.
However:
Your wife cares about her family. Your inlaws may genuinely like and even care about you but won’t jeopardize the relationship with grandkids over it. You are in a crappy place because of it but it sounds like your marriage is still worth it based off the few paragraphs given.
ESH
NTA but your wife absolutely is. She enables this by still continuing to entertain her family who clearly doesnt respect her wife
Your wife should have your back. She should throw a fit bigger than the one her stupid SIL throws. I’d leave her for entertaining their bullshit and not standing up for you and your marriage. I’d give her one last shot- it’s you or them. It’s supposed to be you two versus the world, not her and her family vs you. She needs to have your back no matter what- otherwise what’s the point?
Seems like the only person in the family that has a problem with you is the SIL, if you’re willing to throw all that away for a single person you never interact with or see then by all means give her the “win”
I have to say YTA, you’ve told your wife you don’t want her to separate from or lose her family.
Keeping her family means she has to respect their boundaries, which at this point means excluding you. If you don’t want her to accept their boundaries and you want her to (for example) go NC, challenge them, or refuse to participate unless you are included- well that’s changing the previous “rules” around these relationships. IMO changing the rules is an ask, not an ultimatum, especially in a 10 year relationship.
You are framing her parents boundaries as spinlessness and maybe it is. But I have to say that hearing what both of you said that day I probably would not want either of you at my dining room table on Thanksgiving ever again. But I am also certain that I would want my grandkids there. Maybe they have made a measured choice to maintain a boundary that allows them access to their grandkids until YOU AND SIL do the work to make peace. Because that’s a job for the 2 of you. Have you tried? Has she?
While they are not handling this remotely fairly nor being allies, their decisions honestly don’t seem insane to me. She has told them she would withhold her kids. They don’t want to f around and find out.
Regardless I am voting based on whether your desire to divorce your wife is a-holish. I don’t see that your wife deserves to be rejected and lose her true immediate family (you and her!) over this. And if I found out my partner was thinking of leaving me because of behavior from my parents that hasn’t changed since 2016, I would be devastated.
It sounds like you are considering counseling and I think that is a perfect and loving way to handle this issue.
You have ALWAYS had a wife problem. She should have put her foot down long ago and said that YOU are family too and if you weren’t going to be welcomed and accepted then she would stay away too. You know what “keep the peace” means? It really means “be a doormat”. You’ve been a doormat all this time but your wife is the one at fault.
It is literally part of a partner’s job to set boundaries with their family and enforce those boundaries. She has NEVER had your back on any of this. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at your wife. She’s the reason you’re in this mess.
updateme