I’ve heard stories about my MIL about how she has been cut off by her parents, her siblings, and numerous friends (honestly, most of the stories have come from my MIL herself). My husband has alluded to difficulties in his past concerning her. I’ve known her for three years, and always found her very pleasant and fun to talk to. We have a baby and I would text photos to her almost daily. I genuinely liked her. I figured that maybe she’d been more difficult in the past, but had grown and learned as a person.
Reader, she had not. She came to visit recently. On Monday she watched our baby so my husband and I could have our first date afternoon in months. We were very grateful. On Tuesday, problems started while I was out of the house at a doctor’s appointment. Apparently she had confronted my husband while I was away because she felt that he had been avoiding her, some words were exchanged, and then she locked herself in the guest room. I tried texting her in order to re-establish contact and hopefully de-escalate the situation. I suggested going out shopping. She said no and said she felt like leaving early. She came out briefly while my husband was on a run to share her side of the story with me. I suggested that we all talk and try to clear the air, and she agreed. She went back to the guest room and locked herself inside, and refused to speak to my husband when he knocked on the door to ask if she’d like to talk. She stayed in there for the remainder of the day and night.
The next morning, she came downstairs and acted like nothing had happened. She apologized for “feeling sick” the afternoon before. We figured she wanted a fresh start, and my husband and I agreed that we would do the same. But it was not to last. We all went for a morning walk together. Upon coming home, she began crying and wanted to talk to my husband. I went upstairs to change the baby. My husband agreed to talk it out but told her that he did not want me involved in their conversation. She went up to the guest room and slammed the door. A little while later, my husband and I were sitting on the couch feeding the baby. She came out, sat down, and began confronting my husband again (despite him saying he didn’t want me involved). Her main issues were:
- She felt he was avoiding her. My husband agreed that he felt like he was walking on eggshells. She said that if there were eggshells, then he had put them there (I don’t know what this means).
- Apparently the day before, my husband had said that he felt hurt that she never came to visit him while he lived in California. She said she had come to visit twice. My husband agreed this was true and apologized for misremembering. But she kept bringing this up and coming back to it. She said he had lied and she wouldn’t engage with lies. She also said, “I’m not calling you a liar, but you are someone who engages in the act of lying.”
- That he “used a tone of voice” while answering one of her conversational questions, and she was very offended by the tone.
As the conversation continued, she kept pulling in past incidents and talking about the opinions of other people who were not relevant. It felt like falling into a black hole that kept growing bigger and bigger with each new grievance. I could tell my husband was being worn down, so I jumped in and tried to mediate. I suggested that we try to keep the conversation limited to the present issues and future solutions. They both agreed and my husband seemed to be putting in a genuine effort to follow these guidelines and take accountability for his part of things. My MIL, on the other hand, continued bringing up the same issues, new things from the past, and other people’s opinions. When asked directly how she would like this to be resolved, she seemed to avoid answering by bringing up yet more grievances. It became clear to me that she really didn’t want solutions, and just wanted to verbally attack my husband. I don’t know why. Eventually she stood up, went back into the guest room, and slammed the door. But she didn’t stop. She began sending long texts to my husband with even more attacks and grievances.
My husband and I agreed that we both felt uncomfortable and unsafe in our own home. My husband and I worked together to craft texts back to her that we felt were respectful, to-the-point, and solution-oriented. He reminded her how he tried to have a calm discussion with her, tried to apologize, and tried to find out how she would like this resolved. He apologized that the trip wasn’t going as she had expected. He also said that we loved having her in our home, and we would like to resolve things so we could have a pleasant remainder of the visit. Eventually (after many more long texts from her), my husband wrote back that if she was this unhappy, then maybe it would be best for her to return home as she herself had mentioned the day before.
At this point, I went upstairs to get my baby sling so I could wear my daughter. I was surprised to see my MIL sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery. She tried to talk to me about the situation, but I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this without my husband and I left the room.
I went back downstairs, told my husband what had happened, strapped the baby to me, and left to use the restroom. When I returned, my MIL was in the kitchen literally yelling at my husband. She was upset that he suggested he go home early (even though she was the one who brought it up in the first place the day before, to both us independently). Her voice was loud, her face was red, and she was even wagging a finger in his face. My husband was sitting on a counter stool and staring at the floor, not even trying to defend himself. To me, he looked like a sad helpless little boy. Something inside me just broke. My husband is a wonderful man, and no one has the right to yell at him in front of me in my own home – not even his mother.
I calmly but firmly interrupted her and said, “This situation has become too hostile. For everyone’s well-being, especially the baby, we need to end this visit right now. We’re happy to pay for your flight home.” She stared at me like I had suddenly grown a second head, and for a moment I saw something flash in her eyes that scared me. She then asked to hold the baby and I said no. She said I was downright evil for not letting her hold her own granddaughter and ran away upstairs, again slamming the door. She came back downstairs a while later and asked to hold the baby again. I again told her no. She again said I was evil and ran away upstairs. This happened a few times, and the more she asked and the angrier she became, the more I felt like I was making the right decision to let her nowhere near my baby. She was upstairs for a long time, and we wondered if she was stalling, but eventually she came downstairs with her luggage. We called an Uber to take her to the airport.
She had prepared some sort of speech on her way out the door. We were evil for kicking her out and not letting her hold her grandchild. She didn’t raise my husband to be this way. Her husband (my husband’s stepfather) agreed with her, and he no longer wanted to visit for Thanksgiving (this was said with big Draco Malfoy “My father will hear of this” energy. I’ve only met her husband twice and he’s a nice enough person, but his opinions don’t affect my life. She might as well have told me the opinions of a random neighbor down the street). I just shrugged and said “Okay.” She said that she loved us and we were breaking her heart. My husband tried to say that he loved her too, but she walked out the front door and slammed it behind her. We watched from an upstairs window as she got into the Uber, and then we went to talk.
My husband thanked me for standing up for him. We both agreed that we felt like hostages in our own home and were glad she was gone. But reader, I worry that I may have overstepped. I know that telling her to leave is a huge decision and will affect my relationship with her for the rest of our lives (frankly, I never want to see her again, but I know she will always be my husband’s mother and I hate that things came to this point). I’m also uncomfortable with my choice because I’ve never kicked someone out of my home before. Before all of this, I genuinely liked her, and I thought she was a safe and fun person. I keep wondering if there was anything else we could have done. Reader, AITA?
Comments
You did the right thing. It was no longer safe for you to have her in your home. I don’t know what was going on with her but she was definitely having some kind of mental health crisis.
NTA
Change the locks, get cameras, and never let her near your baby. She sounds unhinged.
NTA – a guest kept yelling at you and slamming doors. As an adult that shows that she is loosing her temper. I would not have trusted her with my baby either. If someone is that uncomfortable why would they want to stay? You did everyone a kindness kicking her out.
NTA – You gave her grace and solutions to a resolution. She didn’t want to listen. She caused this to happen. It’s your family and your home. Actions have consequences.
NTA. Your MIL was determined to have a big, blow out fight with your husband, she seized on the opportunity, however small, and made it into something huge, she would not allow it to be de-escalated. It’s almost as if that’s what she was there for.
No wonder your husband blocked her previous visits from his memory! He expressed his wish for her to leave, you shared that wish and took measures to carry it out. You didn’t overstep, you supported your husband. Hopefully he’ll remember to return the favor in the future, in the event MIL tries to take it all out on you.
Is she bipolar?
NTA. You and hubby did everything you could to accommodate her emotionally when she was having one of her rants.
Unfortunately, there are people like your MIL who don’t care to listen to resolutions but thrive on chaos. They’re narcissistic narcissists who only hear themselves and believe everything THEY say.
I think MIL wanting to hold your baby was a power move. She probably would have tried to take her back to her room and lick herself in basically holding your child hostage unless your husband conformed to her diluted way of thinking.
Going forward, for hubby’s mental and physical health, both of you need to go hard NC with MIL. It’s sad it’s come to this but apparently the writing has been on the wall for years.
Update, please.
She sounds dangerous. Definitely restrict.
You handled the situation, likely as best anyone possibly could. If neither of you never see her again your world will be a better place. Forget nostalgia.
NTA. Obviously there was a reason as to why she has been cut off. She not worth it, keep it pushing.
NTA. Multiple people in her life including my her parents cut her off. She’s completely unhinged. The crying and slamming the door like a pre teen who got her phone taken away. I’m glad you stood up for your husband and he stood up for himself and you as well. Idk when you said she was just sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery it reminded me of scary movies when someone is not supposed to be there and they are randomly sitting in a room lol. I’m so happy you didn’t let her hold the baby. You don’t know what her intentions were.
NTA. There are basic ground rules. One of them is, call me evil in my house and you’re no longer welcome there. This isn’t how adults behave.
Your MIL is not emotionally mature and will never suddenly become so. You can still send each other Christmas cards and be polite like you are to past coworkers, but don’t expect the relationship to suddenly get better.
” She said that she loved us and we were breaking her heart. My husband tried to say that he loved her too, but she walked out the front door and slammed it behind her. “
NTA
She says she loves you, but I suspect she loves making you guys jump through hoops for her love. I get your husband probably loves his mother in all her ways, but he needs to understand that she will never be the mother he craves. The justnomil section has a very good listing of books that may help him come to terms with his mother.
NTA You finally met the real her. The important thing is that now you know what she’s capable of.
A side lesson here is that when you hear of someone who’s had relationship ending blowouts with many people, by they’re nice to you? They just haven’t gotten around to attacking you.
Only your husband can answer if you went to far in kicking her out.
Please don’t let her have any more alone time with your sweet, innocent baby.
Final thought: When your MIL said to your husband, ‘You put the eggshells there!” She was really saying, “Look what you made me do!”
You did exactly what you should have done, protect your family. Someone that volatile and explosively angry is not safe around your baby, and she was verbally abusing your husband. Thank goodness you didn’t let her hold the baby. She might have run off with baby and locked herself in a room. Seems there’s a reason she has been cut off by so many people in her family. Join them.
Your MIL really needs counselling help. She is unable to handle discussion and a process. You and your husband REALLY worked hard to accommodate her and your willingness to engage and try to understand, be forgiving and open is admirable. You handled the growing, alarming situation very well! There have to be limits and your child also has to be protected. Her behaviour was very “off”.
You did exactly what every good partner should – you gave him the space to handle things in his way and at his comfort, you supported him through it, and when it became obvious he needed that back up you stepped up. Genders are irrelevant, ages are irrelevant, the relationship with the aggressive party is irrelevant – partners stand up for each other. You protected your baby, your husband, and your home and you should be PROUD of your shiny spine.
NTA. Whatever your husband said, this is wild behavior. Time to go extremely low or no contact with her.
Those cluster-B personalities are really hard to deal with. NTA, but MIL sure is.
Narcissistic control freak for a MIL. No wonder nobody likes her NTA. Plus you need to trespass her plus seek other legal measures from keeping her away from you, your baby and your husband
Nta she’s abusive and your family doesnt need that
NTA. Now you know why other relatives have cut her out of their lives.
You’re NTA
You are a lot nicer and calmer than me, I would have flipped out on her. You were absolutely right about not letting her hold your baby because she can’t be trusted with it. Protect your baby, your husband and your home!
Incipient Parkinson’s? Or something similar?
That is definitely,abnormal behavior. Her forgetting stuff for one day to the next, or even hour, could be part of that.
NTA, but would look to see if there is a way she can be diagnosed. Could be very difficult.
Good luck, OP. Rough situation…
NTA. She sounds dangerously unbalanced. Like maybe you’d have your throats slit in your sleep so she could run away with the baby.
You did the right thing in asking her to leave. And bravo for standing up for your husband! May you have many happy years with him, all MIL free.
You are the hero.
There is little reason to ever see her again.
She’s mentally unbalanced. She creates conflict.
NTA. So, I think what happened here, is you got to see your MIL’s true nature for the first time. Now you know why she’s been cut off by so many people and why your husband (it sounds like) somewhat avoids his mother. What you witnessed in the kitchen was probably how his life was when he was raised by her, and honestly, she told you herself how many intermediate family members have cut her off, and that in itself should have been better acknowledged and looked into deeper. Your husband also has told you that she’s hard to interact with, and maybe he understated that, but now you know what that means. If I were in your shoes, I would immediately suspend all future visits with her for the foreseeable future, and I would also suggest ignoring or muting her phone calls and texts (especially your husband) while hubs and you figure out your next steps. She doesn’t treat your husband right, and for one reason or another, seems to want to keep your husband in a beaten down state of submission to her. Maybe it’s a control thing or maybe it just brings her joy, but whatever the reason, it’s her malfunction to deal with, not you or your husband’s.
I think you made completely the right call by refusing to give her the baby because for all you know, she may have been planning to flee behind a locked door with her. And, at that point, she may have expected: more begging and crying to appease her to unlock it, you may have had to call the police to get into that room, or she may have called them to tell lies about her and the baby being under attack by the parents. I know this sounds extreme, but your MIL sounds extreme. At this point, I think you should put communication with her on a time out & actually start unpacking the issue that is her with your husband.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to give a grandma like her a chance to mistreat or influence my daughter in any way. I wouldn’t want my kid to witness how she treats dad, and I most certainly wouldn’t want to put another power play into her hands that she can use to further control and terrorize your husband with. I think the worst thing your hubs and you did was telling her you love having her in your home when clearly neither of you do, and maybe embracing that idea will open the door to living in more peace. You said that you don’t like the idea of keeping your hubs from his mother because she’s his mother, but that idea benefits no one except his mother. And when interacting with her son, his mother seems to want nothing more than to cause him as much misery and emotional anguish as she can possibly cram into one fun filled visit, soooo, old girl’s not really worth going out on a limb for, is she?
You’re NTA at all, but it sounds like your MIK have some sort of psychologica/medicall diagnosis. It’s not normal to make so drastic changes in behaviour. Im so sorry this happened to you ans your husband, OP! You are in the right ans it was right not letting her hold the baby!