I 24f have been with my fiance 25m for four years. When we first met, I knew he had been raised Catholic, but he never really talked about his beliefs. He always told me he wasn’t “that” religious, or whatever that means. But I basically assumed it wasn’t a big part of his life. I’m an atheist, which he also knew, and it was never an issue, I guess I tried to ignore it in the back of my mind since I liked him so much. But the issue came to light when we got engaged.
For background info, he has three older siblings, and all of them had Catholic weddings. When his parents asked about our wedding plans, I told them I wanted it on a beach. They looked mad and asked why not Inna church, but I said it won’t be a religious ceremony. I didn’t want to fight but I had to tell the truth. But his parents legit just freaked out, said that it ABSOLUTELY HAD to be a Catholic wedding, and even implied that I should convert. My fiance tried to calm them down, but he never firmly told them no. He just said we’d “figure something out.”
I thought we’d moved past it, but over time, his parents started treating me differently. At first, they were just cold, but then they started making passive aggressive comments about morality, the “sanctity” of marriage, and even suggested we shouldn’t have kids if I wasn’t willing to raise them Catholic. It became obvious they really hated me for being an atheist or just not being Catholic. My fiance also never called them out directly, he’d just say things like “That’s just how they are” or “They don’t mean it like that.”
The final straw came when his mom told me she was praying for me to “see the light” and “repent.” I told my fiancé I was sick of the way they treated me, and he just said I needed to “give them time.” I realized he was never going to actually stand up to them.
So now, I’m questioning everything. I love my fiance, but I don’t want to spend my life dealing with in-laws who hate me, and I’m starting to think he’s a lot more religious than he let on. Would I be the asshole for ending things over this? I’m worried he was planning on slowly converting me, I know it sounds awful and I don’t think it’s something he’d do but he knows his parents are like this and what his siblings weddings were like so what did he expect?
(He’s a lot younger than his siblings and they got married before I started dating him, so I didn’t see how the planning or weddings went, thought I’d add this)
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NTA – this would be a lifetime of dealing with all the shade they are throwing.
Being honest this will be a major issue. If you are not religious and he is when you have kids he will want them to follow his faith and by extention his family’s beliefs.
NTA, while it’s their beliefs they are free to believe in. YOU also have a right to believe in something or not, if he agreed to the beach wedding or didn’t object and didn’t seem to complain all is well. If you want to end it you should, you should not have to deal with that and I can’t imagine the selfish comments they would say about you after. make the move!! ❤️
NTA. Sad how people use religion as an excuse to treat people like garbage. Sounds like time for an ultimatum. Tell him to stand up for you or you’re gone. As an atheist I had this same problem with my own mother who’s a zealous evangelical. I had to shut her down multiple times when it came to my kid. At one point I told her if she ever wants to see her granddaughter again she will cease proselytizing. It worked and she backed off.
NTA.
You need to have this sorted before the wedding. That includes insisting that he stand up for you first. I feel bad for him, I really do, but he’s never going to have a partner if he doesn’t.
Your BF long ago chose passivity as his way of dealing with rigid, judgmental parents. I’m very sorry that he was forced into that — caving versus rejection and criticism. How damaging to a child.
The parents are stuck in prewar Catholicism. The overwhelming majority of Catholics do not think like them. Could you find statements from a bishop, or a pope, to the effect that it’s all right for a Catholic to marry a non-Catholic?
Absent that, I can see only two ways that this could work: BF starts in on therapy and learns to stand up for you; or BF agrees that you two will go nearly no-contact with his parents. Otherwise I think you may be wise to give up on him, although it’s a very sad ending.
Did you ever try to have a conversation with your fiancé about how to handle them? Or what the plan was long term?
NTA, it’s only going to get worse if you have kids. You’re still very young, get out now.
NTA. Break the engagement, this won’t change. He won’t back you up.
I was raised Catholic. NTA at all. It never fucking ends with these people.
Baptisms, Communions and Confirmations (both requiring 2-4 years of Sunday school to complete), weddings, going to church on holidays, visiting sick people we never fucking met to do the god damned rosary for 2 fucking hours.
It’s not a casual religion if they’re devout and they will be all up on your kid’s shit for the rest of their lives.
I and many of my friends have inter-religious marriages. You do what you have to do to get through wedding traditions for the comfort of both families, bride and groom. If the SO from a religious family is not as religious as his family, then they will intercede for you and it will be fine. If the SO from the religious family does not stand up for your beliefs at all, then it will likely not work out. Discuss this with him and see what his actions are before making a blanket decision.
NTA.
You have a fiancé problem. His parents are AHs, but at least they’re not hiding their cultish beliefs. Your fiancé needs to set a boundary with your parents.
If you marry into this family, they will be abusing you until you capitulate and convert. They’ll expect you to baptize your kids into their religion and that means being clannish, intolerant, and ignorant. You deserve BETTER!
Ss but you must leave. I know it will hurt but it will be a different hurt than day to day and decade to decade with those peeps!!😢
>I realized he was never going to actually stand up to them.
This is why you should end the relationship. Its not a catholic thing, lots of families try to interfere in the romantic lives of their adult children and if those adults don’t stand up to their families things become hell for their partners.
Talk to him first. Make him understand that its very important and tell him that its his family and his responsibility to create healthy boundaries and you didn’t sign up to date anyone else in his family but him and if you were to get married, the wedding belongs to you and him and no one else.
I wouldn’t phrase it as a hill to die on, because you don’t want false compliance with him lying to your face telling you he handled it when he didn’t. But it is a hill to die on in actuality and if he can’t come through get out.
NTA.
Run
It’s time for him to make a choice. Either he’s allied with you as a team, or he caves to his parents to ‘keep the peace’. Personally, I can’t live with a fence sitter trying to please everyone since it will always come to a head, especially if you two have kids.
Spiritual beliefs are intensely personal and should never be imposed. If he can’t partner with you on this most basic thing, it sounds like you’re incompatible.
You’re only seeing a glimpse of what your future will be like if you marry him. Can you imagine what it will be like when the children come? No way!
I knew it was time to go when my ex’s mom would sneak up on me and squirt me with holy water she had hidden around the house. NTA
NTA
I think it’s really important that you don’t sit on the fence and try to keep looking at the potential. I think you know everything that you need to know about this. You can ask him a ton of questions seven ways from Sunday and I think you know that you still need to break up with him. All of this is just a prelude to how you’re going to be treated in the future and if he hasn’t stopped it now when it would be easier to he’s definitely not gonna stop it once you get married.
I would even deduce that once you got married, it would get worse because most situations like this get worse once they feel like they’ve trapped you and you can’t get away.
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through, but I think you’re making the right decision for yourself and protecting yourself and your future kids.
NTA yes this happens way too often, children of devout religious followers think they are breaking away by simply not attending services. It’s more a minor rebellion than an actual cut of ties. The truth comes out when they get either engaged or pregnant, the religious fanatics exert control again. Your fiancé took the softly softly route & is not objecting to being reeled back in. Run away, run far, run fast if you want a life where you determine your future. He doesn’t.
I’m a Christian and from the religious stand point, why would they be praying for you if they didn’t like or care about you? They are concerned for your soul. And where you will be spending eternity. Or maybe they are pushing your buttons, heck I don’t know them. But as was pointed out before, it will always be a wedge between you and his parents. They are not going to change their ideology. And if there are Grandkids…boy howdy! Do you love him enough to put yourself through it. Better yet does he love you enough to protect you from what his parents might throw at you. Time to evaluate your relationship and see where you really stand compared to his parents. To be honest I hope they convert you 😁. I may not believe as you do. But I support your right to believe anyway you want. Good luck!
You must tell him in no uncertain terms that if he can’t stand up to his parents for you, the two of you have no future. And that no, you will not be converted, or do anything else against your will, period, no matter how much pressure is applied.
I’m sorry. This sucks. This sucks, sucks, sucks.
But you cannot expect this situation to get any better. How do you think the in-laws will behave when kids are involved? They’ll want a christening, a first communion, regular church attendance, and a whole ton of shit that means absolutely nothing. (DIsclosure: I was raised Catholic by very Catholic parents and grandparents, and I’ve been an atheist ever since I was about seventeen. I do not miss my time within the toxic confines of the Church.)
So no, you’re NTA, but your husband is a spineless waffle and his parents are toxic. If he insists that they’re okay, then tell him he can marry them instead. (And If I could hook you up with a nice atheist guy, I would.)
NTA. He’s probably telling you what you want to hear when his parents aren’t around and telling his parents what they want to hear when you’re not around. When he’s finally forced to make a choice, he’ll choose his comfort, which means choosing his parents. He will then expect you to make ALL of the compromises. If he hasn’t already told his parents that he’s “not ‘that’ religious,” then he’s not planning to, and he was never planning to.
NTA. He’s probably telling you what you want to hear when his parents aren’t around and telling his parents what they want to hear when you’re not around. When he’s finally forced to make a choice, he’ll choose his comfort, which means choosing his parents. He will then expect you to make ALL of the compromises. If he hasn’t already told his parents that he’s “not ‘that’ religious,” then he’s not planning to, and he was never planning to.
I’m going to throw this story out there.
My husband chose as his first wife a Jewish woman, and he’s Christian.
He told his parents and they started in on him. He told them if that’s how they were going to act they would never meet any grandchildren born to them.
Apparently that shut them up.
They had a son, and sadly she died of cancer when baby was 4. His parents ended up playing a big role in grandson’s life.
My poor husband has been married 4x and widowed twice.
I am an atheist, but I hired a preacher when we got married out of respect for my husband.
Your future husband needs to make a big deal standing up for you. If he doesn’t, well, time to toss him out.
Catholic Church is a now go for me, especially if you have children; safer at neverland in 2000
This was me. His values are way way more catholic than you realise. Sit down and talk. Is abortion a sin? Should women have the right to choose? Are you going to hell for not being catholic? Will your children be raised catholic? It is way more of a cult than you realise. Be very aware of what you’re signing up for.
NTA
Actually, you are wise to realize how much of an issue this is and address it before you go further.
I am an Atheist who married and divorced a Catholic. Don’t be me. No matter how much you care about this man, it will never be enough to deal with the constant Catholic BS.
The two of you are NOT compatible.
If you plan on having kids, you should think twice. I am in a multicultural, multi religious marriage, and trust me, the christian side is a PROBLEM. Preaching is part of their religion. They will do what it take to “save” your children. They were ok before I got pregnant, still preaching, but nothing crazy. When I got pregnant, they declared war and became awful to me. They ruined my postpartum. They would take my baby and start praying over her while hiding her from me. I thought I was going crazy.
We’re low contact now.
NTA
NTA you are not compatible and he doesn’t have your back. Plus he is a momma’s boy. Let him be free to crap all over another partner. You deserve better
I think you’re a bit of both.
You ignoring his personal ties to Catholicism because you liked him was the first clue that this was not going to be the relationship for you. You treated it as a flaw to be ignored. No matter how minimal/noninvasive he’s been with it. He never lied about being catholic, you just chose to ignore the possible implications of that. Kind of makes you an AH.
Did you never talk about how you would raise children together? How you would go about it as a multi faith household? Did you expect him to raise them strictly atheist without discussing it? If the potential of him possibly taking your children to a Christmas mass with his parents/siblings, or teaching them any of his Catholic beliefs at all is a hard no for you, then you definitely need to break it off and you need to only date within your atheist community going forward. You are not built for cross-faith marriage and that’s fine.
NTA for not wanting to deal with his family. Nobody should put up with being vilified and looked down upon for their beliefs. His parents will not “get used to you”.
Be nice and break it off so both of you can find the right partner. Dont give him an ultimatum. Just clean break. You’re both young and have time to find partners who share your ideals.
I think you need to rethink this relationship because you will not be respected by this family, and he will stand up for you . They want what they want and want to stop at nothing to get it. The first thing they will say you will be going to hell ,so save yourself the heartache tell your boyfriend bye-bye
If you want to see if the relationship is salvageable, I suggest premarital counseling, but honestly it sounds like you very different things
Yeah. Grim future.
Never marry into a family that doesn’t want you. They won’t change and neither will he. Cold, hard fact. There isn’t any point in going further. NTA
NTA
It will never go away.
I firmly believe that many people hide their religiosity in relationships because it is obviously a deal breaker for many people.
They don’t go to church, don’t practice the the tenants – premarital sex, birth control, and then suddenly once marriage is mentioned “Hey – Christmas mass. Just a Christmas tradition.”
And – as you have seen – they do not say NO when it gets brought up. They think that you love them enough that you can be manipulated or eased into the whole thing. “If you loved him this is a little thing.”
They just expect you to just go ahead with the “traditional stuff” to appease their parents. “We will just get married in a church to make them happy.” And the next thing you know they want the baptism, and catechism and catholic schools, etc.
You do not want to be married to this level of manipulation and fear.
Ending it is reasonable.
Are you going to live near them. Then it could be a real problem. If you can persuade him to more away from then, your relationship could have a chance.
NTA. Run. Extremism isn’t good in any context especially religion.
They will make your life hell. They will cross all your boundaries.
They will treat your children like they are treating you.
Thank your lucky star star you don’t have children with him yet.
He won’t ever stand up for you.
No dude, literally run while you can
He may not be religious now. But, as he can’t even tell his Mom to back off,before you’re even married, imagine how your marriage will look. If you don’t get this straightened out, don’t be shocked if your fiance suddenly wants a church wedding with a full Mass.
Sell the ring and donate the money to an LGBTQIA+ charity after you end the engagement
If you were really cheeky, you could placate them with, “Look, I’ll be honest with you. At one point, I was truly exploring the Catholic Church, but after seeing ‘Spotlight,’ I was like, ‘Nah, I’m good. ‘”
NTA
I don’t know how anyone ever returned to that cult after the exposure of catholic clergy sexual abuse
It’s time for this to end forever. No more weddings, baptising, funerals, anything
If you marry this man, OP, you’ll have to put up with this forever, they’ll baptise your children behind your back, make you send them to religious schools – not to mention he can’t even stand up to them now.
Run
Obviously it’ll never work
NTA. Run. Run fast.
My mother scream-cried to anyone who would listen about how my sister won’t be married in the eyes of God and will burn in hell for not getting married in a Catholic church. She finally cried to a priest, who told her to get over herself; married is married.
The difference was that my sister told my mother to shut her mouth about it, and us other sisters ganged up on Mom as well. If your fiance can’t get his parents under control now, things will get exponentially worse down the road. His parents will demand that your children be baptized Catholic, receive communion, etc.
NTA. I think you should let your fiance know that if you hear one more judgmental peep from his parents, you’re done.
“Repent” = time to go
Never marry a mama’s boy. No matter how much you love him he his mommy will always have the final say. Get out now before any money is spent!
NTA. Your life will be hell if you do. Interfering with your marriage. Undermining your parenting. Tell your fiance that you realised you are no longer compatible so you cannot marry him.
NTA, but I guess you could try to subvert your fiancé’s expectations. Rather than slowly getting converted or trying to talk your way out of the situation, simply keep provoking his parents. Slowly escalate your efforts while completely denying you do anything with the purpose of making his parents, besides they just need some time to get use to how you are, right? This works both ways.
I am not really religious, but I don’t think it should be hard to find out what would insult catholic religion and traditions to different degrees. Come to think of it, isn’t it the fasting time for catholics? Might want to make some photos of both you and your fiancé eating something containing meat and make sure it is seen by his family. Seems like a decent starting point.
Nta.
Hon, listen to me very carefully: it’s only going to get worse.
Now, with that being said, I have a bit of advice for you (from someone who was going to marry a catholic a very long time ago): Insist, and I mean INSIST!, on the 6 to 8 weeks of premarital counseling that the catholic church they go to usually pushes. In fact, go to his mom and say “you know, I really want to know more. I understand that premarital counseling is something the church does. Do you think you can help set that up for us? I feel like it would give me a deeper understanding of everything “. (She will be thrilled and make it her mission to make her son participate) Then go! There’s a 2 fold reason behind the suggestion. 1. It’s going to open your eyes to exactly what you’re going to face if you marry him. 2. It’s going to slap him upside the face with the fact that he cannot have his cake (you) and eat it, too. (Appease his parents) It will force him into the understanding he has to pick a side and make it known. He picks them, he loses you. He picks you, he loses his parent’s goodwill.
However, you’re going to find out just how much of a bullet you’ll dodge. And, it will hammer home to YOU how you’re not going to be able to overcome those never ending obstacles in your possible marriage to him.
Trust me, you NEED that clarity in order to harden and keep your resolve if you choose to walk away.
No, I didn’t marry the catholic dude. And yes, I had my eyes opened to a great many things, not just his religion. (Don’t get me started on how any daughters would be expected to be married by 16 and pregnant by 17. Ugh!)
This really isn’t a path that leads to happiness and a solid marriage.
NTA. I think what you are feeling is the truth- trust your gut. It’s ok to leave him. I bet once he licks you down the real him shows hisself.
NTA.
It would be one thing if he was clear and definitive about his boundaries with his parents. But he’s not. He’s like a bowl of Jell-O.
So you can’t trust him about anything involving religion or his parents. Which would mean you’d be vastly better off not having kids. What a nightmare that would be.