I (30F) live in Canada, my husband (30M) lives in the US. We’re waiting for a decision on his immigration application so that he can live with me in Canada. Yesterday I got a message on Instagram yesterday from a woman who had been my husband’s uber driver. She said he was hitting on her during the ride, and then he gave her his Instagram. He then sent her a message saying “you’re so beautiful and adorable”, which she sent me a screenshot of, and then he blocked her. He also sent her a message saying she’s “a flower in his garden” or something but she deleted the messages before she could get a screenshot.
When I brought this up to my husband and asked why he did this, at first he said she was complimenting him too, so he returned the favour so that she wouldn’t think he’s rude. 🤨 I don’t really believe this, but even if it were true, it’s ridiculous because I know if I ever did what he did, he would lose his mind. I pointed this out to him and he admitted that he would be just as angry as me if he were in my shoes.
At first I said I was done with him because my heart was broken, but the way he responded made me crazy – he just said “ok, if you don’t trust me, we can divorce then.” Like he didn’t care at all about our marriage. That made me go from feeling hurt, to feeling like I wanted to cling to him because it’s like… how can you hurt me and then just not care?!
I know I shouldn’t tolerate this kind of disrespect, but when he turns things around on me and says “ok, then leave” – it triggers my anxious attachment and I cling to him because he makes me feel like I’m the one giving up on our marriage, but really I just want him to give a shit.
Am I valid in feeling completely heartbroken and disrespected? And how can I stick to my guns and tell him that I want out, even when he tries to turn it around on me and act like I’m the one giving up on our marriage?
TL;DR My husband gave his Instagram to a girl who drove him in an uber, then proceeded to message her saying she’s beautiful and also some poetic crap about being a flower in his garden. When I said I wanted to end our marriage, he acted like he didn’t care which triggers my anxious attachment and makes me want to cling to him. I need some advice on standing my ground through his manipulation.
Comments
Yeah that’s an abuser. Clinging to an abuser is how you wreck your mental health for years. You should really leave.
>At first I said I was done with him because my heart was broken, but the way he responded made me crazy – he just said “ok, if you don’t trust me, we can divorce then.”
File for divorce
Leave! Go to therapy to deal with your attachment issues and leave! Before he comes to Canada. This will not get better. He now knows he can do whatever he wants because one sentence will keep you around. Please, please, please, put yourself first!
LEAVE. That is manipulation and abuse at worst and at best he is just a piece of shit that doesnt care about you.
It’s understandable to be upset with him, that sounds extremely manipulative and like he’s gaslighting you into staying with him. But you deserve better, so much better than that. You deserve someone who chooses you, prioritizes you, and wakes up each day happy to be with you. He is a grown adult responsible for his decisions. You deserve respect and he’s not giving you that. How you decide to proceed with your marriage is your decision, but you don’t deserve to be treated like that or be made to feel like you did something wrong when you didn’t.
“ok, if you don’t trust me, we can divorce then.”
I am so sorry but it looks like its over.
He tried cheating on you and then told you to leave if you weren’t happy about it. If you are married for anything other than LOVE, it shows.
Classic behavior here. I don’t think you really need advice. I think you just needed to type it out to make it real. You’ll definitely find better.
Get a divorce, update the immigration petition as needed, and go to therapy.
Your husband tried to cheat on you and wasn’t apologetic at all. He’s probably already cheated on you with how cavalier he was. Idk about Canadian immigration, but don’t get stuck being responsible for him fiscally or legally. I don’t know you would want to be with someone who disrespects you and doesn’t care about your marriage, but get a therapist who will help you learn self-respect and boundaries.
Get an STI test.
This isnt the first time he cheated, guaranteed. This is just the first time a woman had the decency to let you know. It also wont be the last time.
After your STI test, get a divorce.
He’s being shitty in his life and when you’re confronting that he’s turning it on you. He’s acting like he’s single when he isn’t with you and sounds like even to your face is treating your relationship like that. Saying “if you don’t trust me we can divorce” is his way of putting the blame on you and is how he will frame it to everyone he knows.
He can’t point a finger at someone who’s no longer in the room.
If guilt is all that’s holding you in this miserable marriage, I have a feeling it’ll dissipate quickly once he’s not in your life anymore. Hard to guilt trip a person who doesn’t speak to you anymore.