I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, living together for about a year. We’ve talked about marriage before, partly because of my immigration status.
I originally came to the U.S. on an exchange program, and my plan was to return home to continue my studies. But I met my boyfriend, and we decided to try living together. Since marriage felt too soon, I switched to an F1 visa to study English and give us time to see where things went.
Now it’s been a year, and I feel stuck. My visa doesn’t allow me to travel and return, so I haven’t seen my family. I also put my studies at home on hold, so right now most of my future depends on how things go here. Meanwhile, he’s stable here, has a good job, and wouldn’t leave the U.S. My fear is that I’ll keep waiting, only for him to eventually decide he’s still not ready.
We had talked about maybe getting engaged around now, but our relationship has been difficult lately, and he says he’s not ready. I respect that, but I also feel like I can’t just keep waiting indefinitely while putting my life on hold. So I told him I’d like us to be engaged by the end of this year—not married right away, just engaged—so I can feel secure this is moving forward. If not, I may need to reconsider my options (like moving back home or elsewhere to study).
Now I’m questioning myself. On one hand, I don’t want him to feel pressured into a proposal. On the other, I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot without knowing if there’s a future here.
So: am I being manipulative by giving him this ultimatum, or is this just me setting a boundary so I don’t keep investing time without clarity?
TL;DR: I (24F) stayed in the U.S. with my boyfriend (29M) instead of going home to continue my studies. My visa keeps me from seeing my family, and I feel like my life is on pause. We once planned to get engaged soon, but now he says he isn’t ready. I told him I need us to be engaged by the end of the year or I’ll reconsider my future. Am I being manipulative, or just setting a boundary?
Comments
In this particular situation, I don’t see it as being manipulative, but if he’s not ready now, I don’t think he will be by the time you “need” him to. I’d go home.
Just setting a boundary. Life is not infinite. If your bf does not want to really commit to you via engagement, then you will need to go long distance on the relationship. If the bf is really ready to commit to you going long distance will force him to decide. Right now he can get away with being wishy-washy.
Whether or not it’s manipulative, it’s counter-productive.
Because if you give an ultimatum, and he complies with that ultimatum, you cannot possibly have any idea whether he thought about what you wanted, realized he wanted it too, and so chose to comply because that’s what would take his life in the direction he wanted it to go…or if he thought about what you wanted, realized that wasn’t actually what he wanted, but what he did want was to shut you up and get you off his back so that he can continue getting whatever it is that he’s getting from you.
Never ever give someone an ultimatum.
Why would you even want to marry someone who had to be coerced into proposing?
If he hasn’t proposed on his own, and doesn’t seem like he’s going to, then what possible benefit can there be in basically bullying him into it?
I’d say you do you. You can’t build your whole life around a person who isn’t building it with you. Have a conversation, bring up the things that you really want to have information on and let him know that you might have to plan something else for yourself if things aren’t moving forward. You’re allowed to ask and you’re allowed to feel what you feel. Be respectful and lay it out to him. Maybe he doesn’t realize how it all is effecting you since he’s not an immigrant. He might not understand what it is really like for you. It’s understandable that engagement and getting married shouldn’t happen fast, but he needs to know your feelings and thoughts surrounding the situation.
Ultimatums are valid when they are true. When you are honestly sharing information with your partner about what you’re going to do if X or if not Y. That’s what makes them boundaries, and not just attempts to bully or coerce.
The pressure exists. It’s not just you putting it on him. It’s things that are real and outside of both of your control. It’s weighing on you and the relationship. It’s right to communicate with him about how you’re going to handle that pressure, as the pressure and rules around you change.
Ultimatums are only manipulative when you don’t intend to follow through.
If he feels manipulated, that’s a good sign that he doesn’t see you as a partner — someone he needs to make plans with that work for you both. If he sees you as a partner and a fully formed human being, he needs to respect this might be a dealbreaker.