I’m (40m) engaged to fiance (43f). Retrospective jealousy or does she have unconscious bias?

Hi all.

tl;dr seeing a pattern in my relationship where I think she has unconscious bias.

Just wanted to get some advice on how to proceed. I’ve been dating my fiance for over 3 years (I’ve known her as a friend for over 15 years). During the past 3 years I learnt a lot more about her and especially of her ex (either through rumour or from her). What’s bothered me immensely over these years is the constant feeling I am second best or she preferred her ex. Some background. Both of us are Asian. Her ex is caucasian. Some examples.

1. I previously asked her if she wanted to go on a ski trip, however her response was an automatic no. She cited that she never enjoyed the cold and never enjoyed it. I later find out that she said yes to her ex straight away when she was asked and she made particular effort to have someone else take care of her daughter (who was 8years old at the time) for the weekend. This was only a few months after knowing her ex. I’ve asked her for a weekend away, and she only said yes when her child was able to go to camp. I have to wait over a year for that while his ex didn’t have to.

2. Her ex was allowed to stay overnight at her place. I’m not allowed to. Apparently she doesn’t want her daughter to learn at a young age that this is the right behaviour. I did ask her why this wasn’t a concern with her ex, especially when her daughter was so young and technically was in her formative years. She didn’t give me a straight answer. Apparently with me, we have to be married first before I can do any of these. Some background, she has allowed all her past exes sleep at her place or liev together, yet for me, I need to marry first before I get this privilege.

3. I later discover that within a few months without prompting, she researched and bought expensive underwear for her ex. Before I knew this, I asked her to get me something intimate like underwear, however I only received something like it after 2.5 years and it was underwear that was not expensive nor something that I would wear.

4. I asked her over the years if we could spice up our sex life. Maybe have sex in the car etc. I have asked her a number of times, but each time I’m shot down. I later discover that she had sex with her ex in the car (and enjoyed it), and all he had to do was ask once.

5. She use to call him “Mr big” or compliment his “size” , yet I only get this treatment only after I’ve asked.

6. She would talk about sexual fantasies with her ex however wouldn’t do so with me.

7. In the past we found out her ex spoke to some of our friends disclosing sexual details about their relationship etc to our friends. This is because they broke up not in good terms. During that time I asked her why she wouldn’t call and tell him off. She wouldn’t say anything bad about him, apparently because she doesn’t want to fall into her exes plan etc etc. however I know that if I did the same, she would certainly have a very bad reaction and would certainly swear at me.

8. When she had broken up with her ex, and months later I expressed my love to her and she recipricated, I later find out months later that for a period of time after I said I loved her and we were official, she was still talking to her ex late at night and also talking intimately with him. I told her I forgave her, because technically we weren’t together officially, however, at the same time I just couldn’t conceive that she would do that after I had said I loved her and she recipricated by saying she love me.

There are many more instances however I think people get the idea. I’ve told her my concerns and how it make some feel like I’m not good enough. She tells me it’s my problem and my insecurities, and I should talk to a phychologist about it. I have spoken to a professional however even to this day, it’s apparently all my fault I feel this way.

Due to all the patterns, I’m beginning to think that I am not actually the problem. She has said that I am better then her ex in every way and I do believe that. I’m starting to think that she has unconscious bias towards caucasian men. She is certainly more agreeable, more submissive, able to agree to things she normally would not agree to with caucasian men based on the patterns I’m seeing. She is from Hong Kong, and similar to Singapore and even in India, I hear that women do have a level of unconscious bias due to upbringing in those countries due to western media influences and how many in those countries see/idolize western men due to portrayals in media and movies as they were growing up.

Don’t know how I can get over this. Alot of days when I am with her, I am happy, but when I am not, and these thoughts pop up, it annoys the hell out of me. I guess in many ways, I just want to feel like I am the best, or that she sees me as the best.

I’ve told her in the past that I don’t care what she has done with her exes, however I would like to think that she could at least treat me the same if not better to how she treats her exes. Any advice would be good.