I (32M) am engaged to my fiancée (23F). We have two little girls. Our oldest is a year and a half, and our youngest was just born last month. Our 3 year anniversary was 3 months ago. I love them more than anything. But the truth is, I feel like I’m failing as a partner and a dad.
My fiancée, Gina, is at home with the kids all day. She is up in the middle of the night breastfeeding our newborn, then up again early with our toddler. She cleans, she cooks, she keeps track of appointments and bills, she does literally everything to keep the household running. Meanwhile, I go to work, I come home tired, and I “help” where I can, but it is not even close to enough.
The part that keeps me up at night is how I stack up against her past relationships. Gina has been through hell. She told me once about a partner who literally tried to SELL her. Another nearly beat her to death because he was cheating on her and projecting his guilt onto her. When she told me those stories, I felt proud at first because I was not like that. But the more I thought about it, the more it hit me how low that bar really is. The only real difference between me and her previous partners is that I am not a drug addict, I am not a felon, and I am not abusive. That is it.
And sometimes I feel like she chose me not because I am the man she dreamed of, but because I was the first man who was simply safe. That thought crushes me. She deserves so much more than “at least he won’t try to kill me.” She deserves a partner who pulls his weight, who supports her without being asked, who makes her life lighter instead of heavier. She should not have to settle for a man whose biggest selling point is that he is not dangerous.
That realization makes me feel like an imposter in my own relationship. Like I am not really a good man, I am just “better than the monsters before me.” And if she ever wakes up and sees that I am only clearing the lowest possible bar, I do not know if she will stay.
I hate that I have let it get to this point. I see her breaking down sometimes, and I want to be the guy who makes it better, but I freeze up. I tell myself I will do more tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes and I am still dragging my feet. It is like I do not know how to break out of this cycle of being barely good enough.
And I am terrified that one day she is going to look at me and think, “I could have done better. I could have had someone who did not leave me holding everything together.” She is young, she is smart, she is blunt and fearless. She does not hold back when she is unhappy. And I admire that about her, but it also scares the shit out of me because it forces me to look at my shortcomings in a way I cannot ignore.
I love her. I love our kids. I do not want her to just hear me say that. I want her to feel it because of my actions. Right now, I do not think she does. Right now, I think she feels abandoned, and I hate myself for letting her feel that way.
I guess my question is: how do I stop just “helping” and actually become an equal partner? How do I stop waiting to be told and actually start carrying my share of the weight? I want to show up better, but I do not even know where to start. I have been making excuses for too long, and I do not want to lose her because of my own laziness or fear of messing things up.
If anyone has been here before, especially other dads or partners of stay-at-home moms, I could use some blunt advice. I do not need sugarcoating. I know I need to change, but I need to know how.
TL;DR: I’m 32M, engaged to 23F, we have two kids. She does everything at home and I feel like I’m constantly falling short. I worry she only picked me because I’m safer than her shitty exes. How do I actually step up and be the partner she needs?
Comments
There’s no shortcut to stepping up. You just have to do it. Try to foresee what needs to be done and just do it.
Or, you could ask her how you could help. Start with small things and build up gradually, like any habit.
From your story, though, it sounds like you genuinely care for her and do what you can. That’s already a lot more than a lot of partners can say. Also, your partner is quite young, so it’s not like she settled down out of panic.
If she isn’t happy, it’s up to her to have a discussion with you.
Just so I get the timeline. You were 29, dated a 19 year old with a history of being abused, got her pregnant shortly after with two children?
Start by picking a thing and doing it consistently. Maybe it’s unloading the dishwasher before you go to work in the morning. Maybe you do a load of baby laundry when she’s nursing the newborn. Don’t ask her to pick for you – she has enough mental load without picking a task she thinks you won’t hate.
Once you’ve baked that one thing into your routine so it’s something you do without thinking, then pick another thing. Just be consistent, and don’t get upset if she doesn’t seem to notice your new efforts. You’re doing this to improve both your lives, not to be told what a good boy you are.
Honest question: what’s keeping you from stepping up? Why are you so tired? Is it really because you’re tired?
How do you manage at work without someone standing beside you telling you what tasks need to be done and when? Try applying that same skill set to your home and kids.
Keep in mind thar with 2 kids under 3, you could both be doing everything you can and still fall short because kids thar age just have such high care needs. You may need other people to lend a hand, whether that be paid cleaning service, baby sitters, family, friends etc.