I feel like an idiot and idk what to do

I (27F) have been with my bf (27M) for over 7 years now. He is my first relationship. My first a lot of things. I love him so much. Tho it might be loved now, but idk.

He has helped me through so much. And he’s so kind. He always knows what I need, we have so much in common, he’s always there for me, and he puts up with my neediness and my problems. My family loved him so much. He convinced me to go back to school, he gets me to eat when it’s hard to, he hugs me through any panic attack, he loves my pets and spoils them. He’s insanely smart and hard working. But we recently had a really really big fight.

I’m struggling with a drinking problem for a while now. There’s been a few times where I’ve lied to him about drinking bc I was afraid of telling the truth. I’m dealing with a lot of things mentally lately that makes me like to just… forget. But a few times now because of lying he’s hit me, and pretty bad. He’s even chocked me a couple times and thrown me on the floor. I’ve had a few black eyes and bruises on my arms from him. But i know I shouldn’t lie and it’s my fault for doing that. The drinking problem is a whole other post and why I’m so mentally not ok lately.

Well the last fight we had he hit me and yelled at me so much I just left. I called my mom and told her and she had me fly to her and I’ve been with my family for three months now, but going back home, and to him, tomorrow.

Being away from him has made me think a lot. There’s more than just the hitting that I don’t like. Like, his mom hates me. And I can’t get close or feel comfortable around his family, and I always dreamed of having great in laws. They are not from my country and are super traditional and they don’t like that I’m not part of their culture, a doctor, or have even finished school yet (working on it, the first time I went to college I was 52’50d so it was a long road getting back to school).

He also has anger issues. He yells a lot, and not just at me, at his family too. He gets unreasonably and easily angry at things, even his sister tells him he overreacts. And when he yells he REALLY yells and hits and throws things. It can get scary. But he knows it’s a problem and promises he will get help.

We also don’t agree on some stuff. Like I tell him a bad thing a certain actor or famous person did and he’s like “well I like their music/movies idc what they did” and I get that to a point but he gets mad when I even bring it up. He also very much judges girls who wear skimpy outfits or crazy makeup while I don’t care and love it. Over the years I just say it’s ok to have different opinions on things but he can get really mad at me if I have a different opinion ion on something. Idk I know these are random examples but just some of the things I can think of rn

And now I’m just thinking about all the little things that I disregarded before since I loved him so much. Like how he used to have sex with me when I was asleep (he’d always tell me the morning after but thinking about it now i think? i think that’s not ok right? idek). Or how he tells me when we have kids his mom WILL stay with us for six months even tho i say i wouldn’t want that. Or that Im not allowed to disagree with his mom. I once didn’t answer his sisters call because I was busy and he got so mad. He keeps trying to get me to eat meat even tho Im vegetarian. He’s also told me some things about how he’d raise our kids which I don’t like. He gets mad when he tries to show me a video about something i dont really care about and don’t show excitement. Gets mad when I don’t clean something when he never cleans unless I ask him to. He has called me a lot of names, which I won’t say which since this sub took down my post the first time for typing them out but they are not good and he knows I hate when he calls me those names. He once started making sounds like he was having sex with his female friend when he was mad about something completely unrelated because he knew it would make me uncomfortable. Idk there’s a lot of little things and we’ve just been fighting a lot more the past year or so.

My mom even told me she thinks he’s narcissistic and convinces me things are my fault when they are not. She also told me I never used to get angry at anything but with him I do. And part of me feels like I’m falling out of love with him. I’m starting to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, which i HATE myself for thinking. I used to only think of him, I used to know that we would be together forever. I’ve never had another relationship so I have nothing to compare this one too.

A LOT of our fights are my fault… I think. My mental health is terrible, so it’s hard to know. But he still tells me he loves me so much and he’s sorry and he needs me. I’m talking about all the bad things but he’s done so much good too. Idk if anyone else can love me. If we break up I’ll be all alone. I think he’s the reason I have lost a lot of my friends. I miss my life before him sometimes, which I feel so guilty about because he’s done so much for me.

I know I sound stupid, for saying all these things about him and then still wanting to be with him. At least part of me. If any of my friends of my family told me all of this I’d say so fast to leave him. But I can’t. Part of me feels like I can’t. I keep going back and forth between wanting to end it and not wanting to. Am I a bad person for having these thoughts and not telling him? He still says he wants to marry me and be with me forever. I’m afraid to leave him. He’s all I’ve know for seven years. We’ve been through so much together, how do I just throw all of that away? Why is it SO hard to want to end things. I never thought i’d be this person, wanting to go back to a guy who’s hit me. Is it possible at all for someone who’s hit you to be a good person for you? For them to never do it again?

I feel bad because this post is making him sound really bad. If you ask any of his friends they will tell you he’s amazing, and he is, he just has done some not amazing things. Or maybe I’m again being stupid for even saying that.

I know I need help with my drinking and my other mental issues, I do and I am getting help. I wonder if I can just get through these issues if things can be good again. That’s a big part of what’s keeping me from leaving. Is it ok if I stay for now and end things later? Or would that make me the worst person ever.

Sorry for the rant, I felt like I just needed to type this all out because I’ve been in my head so much and all of these thoughts are confusing. I used to be able to tell him anything, and now I hide thoughts and feelings. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this stuff. Why is it so hard to accept maybe we just aren’t right for eachother. At least his mom would be thrilled if we broke up. Maybe he needs a nice, mentally stable, doctor girlfriend from his culture. It’s just so hard to accept that it might be over when I thought for so long we would be together forever.

Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I should end it not for me but for him. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me and all my problems. I started to get really mentally and physically healthy for a while but i’m slipping back into it all. Is this all my fault? Am i a terrible person?

I guess I’m really just looking for people to tell me if i’m crazy. I dont want to come off as looking for sympathy or for people to tell me he’s bad. My head is just so confused and I feel like I can’t think straight. Thank you for letting me rant, I don’t want to bother people in real life with my issues

TLDR: My bf has hit me and done other things I don’t like, but I still love him. A lot of it is my fault and idk if I should leave him