A Tale of Two Mother In Laws

I have officially been on FIL’s farm for a week and to say this was a much needed time of reflection is an understatement. In early June, JNMIL caused a blow up between DH and I that I turned the very low contact I maintained with her into an official one year no contact period with a letter spelling out exactly what she has done to upset me, that we needed a year to heal, reflect, and not say anything in the heat of the anger that we did not mean, and what I needed (very normal human boundaries) in order to build a healthy relationship moving forward. The number one issue being that she would tell me one thing and then turn around and lie about what was said/the response to DH causing confusion, fights, and endless walking on eggshells for both of us while she took the opportunity to bulldoze boundaries. So I told her explicitly throughout the letter that behavior needed to stop and as long as she continued to put DH in the middle, yelled at him, or in any way made him responsible for fixing the relationships she destroyed, I would continue to extend the period of NC… of course she immediately tried to call DH (he held the line! 🍻👏) to force him to mediate a conversation, but then at the end of July (just in time for DH’s birthday), she sent DH an email containing 3 letters my letter to her, one for him triangulating him against me and clearly placing herself in the role of peaceful loving mother for both him and our child, and a 19 page letter that could be used as a prime example for the missing, missing reasons article. It was complete with DARVO, triangulation, the statement “I won’t sue for grandparents right’s as long as (DH) is in the picture” (aka as long as she legally has zero grounds), claiming other family members were on her side including her ex husband (FIL)’s family (they aren’t), expressed confirmation that she will not follow my stated boundaries more than she already has been raised to do so (how dare I claim she hasn’t), questioning of what my real reason because obviously all the ones I gave are lies so what is the real reason, and of course pathologizing my mental state. DH also received an email with letters from her parents though he did not read or share them (he believes her letters are all we need to know).

As much as I can say I knew this was coming and it isn’t a surprise, both DH and I have been hitting all the stages of grief with this realization that the NC will remain permanent for me and his is lowered significantly. At times, we can’t talk about it, at times we need to talk about it, and so often those times just don’t seem to align.

However, out here on the farm, we have quiet. Here there is no cell phone service, there is manual labor you can see success in, delicious slow cooked food straight from the fields to our bellies, and greatest of all is FIL’s second wife (SMIL) who is so just yes that even JNMIL’s other estranged son considers SMIL his only mom.

So often on this forum I see us struggle to put our finger on describing what makes JustNo’s the JustNo of our story. It feels petty to say the way they gave a gift to control us and guilt us or didn’t tell us they had covid until we brought the baby into the room and then used their covid to guilt us/gain pity. The honest truth is for FIL and SMIL, I have slept on a air mattress in a barn with DH’s brother and Uncle in the winter with just a small heater cause they genuinely needed as much support as possible and though they made it clear we could go home, they also greatly appreciated us being there. It isn’t about the BEC things it is about the underlying current of their motivation.

So all this to say, if you are on here and feel like your reasons seem petty and that isn’t who you are. I can confirm as someone with two MIL’s until you have 19 pages from your JNMIL spelling out the problem, you can feel the difference even if you can’t name it right away.

Thank you all for being the amazing community you have been!