I (28M) have always had a rocky relationship with my wife’s mom. She’s overbearing, constantly inserting herself into our lives, and doesn’t respect boundaries. Any time I try to set limits, she either ignores them or acts like I’m being unfair.
My wife and I planned a two week vacation just the two of us. I saved up and handled all the planning, while she was in charge of booking the flights. Her mom caught wind of the trip and immediately started pushing to come along. I told my wife no I wanted this to be a trip for us, not a family getaway. Her mom threw a tantrum, called, texted, and even got other relatives to pressure me. My wife tried to convince me to let her come, but I refused. She eventually agreed and said she wouldn’t invite her.
The night before we were supposed to leave, I was double-checking our travel plans when I noticed an extra ticket on the reservation—her mom’s name was on it. I confronted my wife, and she admitted she booked it behind my back, hoping I’d “just go along with it” once it was already done.
I was furious. Instead of arguing, I packed a bag—not for the trip, but to leave. I told her if she wanted to vacation with her mom so badly, she could, but I wasn’t going. She started crying, saying I was “ruining everything” and that since the ticket was already bought, I should just deal with it. I walked out and went to stay at a friend’s place for a few days to clear my head.
Now, she’s been calling me nonstop, saying I overreacted and made her look bad. She even told our families, and some of them think I should’ve just gone and “made the best of it” instead of “wasting money” and causing drama.
Did I overreact ?
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I (28M) have always had a rocky relationship with my wife’s mom. She’s overbearing, constantly inserting herself into our lives, and doesn’t respect boundaries. Any time I try to set limits, she either ignores them or acts like I’m being unfair.
My wife and I planned a two week vacation just the two of us. I saved up and handled all the planning, while she was in charge of booking the flights. Her mom caught wind of the trip and immediately started pushing to come along. I told my wife no I wanted this to be a trip for us, not a family getaway. Her mom threw a tantrum, called, texted, and even got other relatives to pressure me. My wife tried to convince me to let her come, but I refused. She eventually agreed and said she wouldn’t invite her.
The night before we were supposed to leave, I was double-checking our travel plans when I noticed an extra ticket on the reservation—her mom’s name was on it. I confronted my wife, and she admitted she booked it behind my back, hoping I’d “just go along with it” once it was already done.
I was furious. Instead of arguing, I packed a bag—not for the trip, but to leave. I told her if she wanted to vacation with her mom so badly, she could, but I wasn’t going. She started crying, saying I was “ruining everything” and that since the ticket was already bought, I should just deal with it. I walked out and went to stay at a friend’s place for a few days to clear my head.
Now, she’s been calling me nonstop, saying I overreacted and made her look bad. She even told our families, and some of them think I should’ve just gone and “made the best of it” instead of “wasting money” and causing drama.
Did I overreact ?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked out and refused to go on the vacation after discovering my wife had secretly invited her mom despite me saying no. Some people think I overreacted and should have just gone along with it since everything was already booked. I might be the asshole because I wasted money and caused drama instead of just dealing with the situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA at all. Your wife and MIL on the other hand. Hopefully you will be setting up some marriage counseling when she gets back. If she is unwilling to go, then you need to look at other options.
No you have boundaries and neither your wife or mother can respect them. They are kinda gas lighting you.
NTA. Boundaries were laid and crossed. You standing your ground means unfairness to them then perhaps they’ve taking advantage of your for a lil while now
NTA Your wife is a huge AH. She needs to decide if she wants to stay married or be divorced. I would not tolerate an dscrew anyone who thinks you are out of line. You are not
NTA. Tell your wife to stop her crocodile tears. She “ruined everything ” by booking the MIL ticket behind your back.
NTA your wife does not respect your feelings or boundaries. She will always do what her mother wants her to do. Your basically married to both of them. I personally would take a step back and rethink this marriage
Oh dear god, no, you are NTA. I’m sorry, OP. Good luck.
No way. My wife would kill me if I did this.
Wow.
ESH
Your wife was very clear in her desire to include her mother in your vacation. To be clear, that sounds nightmarish to me, so it is not as if I am sympathetic to your wife’s position. However, I do believe that your wife is a human being. Where did you get the idea that you can simply dictate the terms of your couple’s vacation and completely dismiss what she wants out of hand???
Of course your wife is wrong for deceiving you. That was not OK and it’s a little wild that she thought you would cave on this given your strong feelings. But if you are even a little bit honest, you have to admit that she gave your feelings and opinion exactly as much consideration and respect as you gave hers.
NTA. You did not overreact. You and your spouse had an agreement about the trip that she chose to disregard.
NTA. Your wife ruined your trip and she’s letting your MIL ruin your marriage. You two need counseling to see if this is really going to work long term. If it was me, I’d be thinking divorce because your wife obviously doesn’t respect you
NTA. But your wife and MIL totally are. Your wife made her choice, and you know where you stand. Personally, I would be talking to an attorney about what my options are. If she really goes on this trip with her mother, I would be done. But then again, lying is a deal breaker for me. Good luck.
UpdateMe
NTA. Cancel that extra damn ticket. In fact, cancel everything. F them both.
Nope NTA. I’m horrified by the behavior of both your wife and your MIL. It’s quite embarrassing. I’m so sorry.
Did they go on the vacation together while you stayed home?
NTA and you have a wife problem
NTA….You have a wife problem. Now, while they are on vacation, you get to decide if you want to continue to have a wife problem.
NTA clear overstepping of boundaries
NTA.
The fact that your wife lied to you and booked the ticket behind your back was bad, but to then double down and say that the way you reacted was a problem…oooof.
There’s a lot going on here. It doesn’t feel like she respects your boundaries at all. Has she accepted any fault or blame in this?
I wouldn’t put any stock into what other family members say because honestly, it’s not their lives. But I don’t know how I could continue in a relationship with a person who has so little regard for my feelings and boundaries.
Would she agree to counseling?
Dude RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! You are not in a good situation! They’re making you look like a fool for a situation they created… respect yourself because they sure as shit aren’t
NTA- your MIL is a bully and your wife can’t handle her. I feel bad for your wife, but she brought this on herself by choosing mommy over her husband.
I would not want to be going on vacations with in laws for the rest of my life either. Wife can either grow a spine and live with her husband or move back home with mommy
NTA. Your wife ruined your vacation and it doesn’t look like an isolated incident. She can’t whine about her plan to force you across your boundaries, backfiring. And all the flying monkeys who are so worried about wasting money, can just give you money to recover the value of the ticket.
It’s a two card situation: either marriage counseling or divorce, cause your wife sure as hell doesn’t understand marriage without outside help
NTA. Divorce her and let her marry her mom since she’s more invested in that relationship.
NTA why does your wife think vacationing with two people that don’t get along is a vacation? Even though you’ll have to eat the ticket don’t go, it will just be two weeks of misery that you’ll be paying for. Hopefully you can get some of your money back.
NTA. Welcome to Found Out, Population: your wife. Not only did she lie repeatedly and cave to her overbearing mother, she tried to garner support from the families against you. She needs to make a final choice. Either she’s going to stand up to her mom’s toxic behavior or she’s not. If she’s not, you have our own choice to make. Either way, she can’t pin it on you.
NTA. Could have maybe talked to everyone in a group but also her doing that without talking to you is crazy work.
NTA, and you need to stay somewhere else for a while and/or wife does. Wife isn’t respectful of you. Tell her mandatory couples counseling. You honestly should have canceled everything
NTA – your wife has to make a choice here.
NTA, This is weird as hell.
NTA cancel their tickets don’t tell them and go on your own
This is fucking ridiculous. They try so hard to make you the bad guy for setting boundaries that they have you questioning if you were in the wrong after they went behind your back. Clearly this is a pattern and similar things have happened in the past considering she “thought you’d just go along with it.” Absolutely NTA
YTA because you just had a post removed from another sub stating you’re 23(M)
Someone is bored.
NTA. Fuck this, I would die on this hill. She lied to you used your money without telling you ignored your wishes and then wants to play the victim. FUCK THAT. I absolutely would stay the fuck home ALONE.
NTA. Holy crap. Did your wife use your shared savings to buy the ticket? Was the MIL supposed to sleep in your hotel room?
What the hell is wrong with your wife?
She lied and deceived you…is this the first time? Divorce her
NTA.
OP I advise not going on the trip. Let your wife deal with the consequences of her own actions.
You wife knew that this was supposed to be a romantic getaway and by inviting your mother behind your back and without telling you, she showed a huge amount of mis-trust and disrespect.
So let them go on holiday together and when your wife returns suggest marriage counselling.
Oh HELL NO! I am pretty sure I wouldn’t go back, this is never going to change. Time to move on and find someone who has a little bit of respect for you
NTA – What is this family? You’re just going to get divorced so might want to start planning. None of these people are going to change,
NTA fuck that, she ruined everything and broke your trust. Figured you’d just go along with it? Well played sir.
NTA. You set boundaries, your MIL blew past them and so did your wife. She lied to your face, did something you expressly asked her not to do and tried to force you to accept it. This isn’t the behavior of a loving/committed spouse.
Go for the 2nd week let them have 1st week but when u get bk she needs to have ur bk
NTA. She deliberately lied to manipulate her into including MIL. This isn’t a healthy dynamic for a relationship. It also means you can’t trust your wife.
NTA, it doesn’t sound like you have kids as yet.This would be the best time to move on. Their behavior won’t get any better.
NTA. Cancel everything then take a trip on your own. Your wife and her mother deserve each other.
Could be dark triad, narcissistic, histrionic personality disorder.
Does your wife get scared of her mother’s reactions? Tiptoe around and constantly gives in to not disappoint her mother because she is scared of the reaction? Everything is about her, when she is questioned or confronted they’re being bullied, and if the situation continues the emotional outburst climbs disproportionately to the situation?
If this is the case, you have to understand the lifetime of training your wife has been put through to make her absolutely terrified of these episodes.
That being said,
NTA
your money, your holiday, and your effort. The mother is scared of becoming irrelevant and tries to suck importance from her daughter’s existence. Try not to take it out on your wife.
I think I’d be leaving permanently if I was ever going to be happy again.
NTA. Your wife needs help. The fact that she is bringing her mom to what was supposed to be a romantic getaway is terrible. Your wife messed up.
I’d stick to your guns and not go on the trip – or she will keep pulling this kind of stuff.
She doesn’t respect you or you saying “no”.
NTA you made no secret of your desires. She went behind your back. Actions have consequences.
Didn’t we see this exact post a month or two back?
NTA. Very simple. Vacation with your mommy or with me. Not only would I not go, I would send MIL a bill.
NTA. You have a wife problem, she’s the one causing drama by sneaking her mother on a couple’s holiday. Use this time to decide if you want to stay in this marriage, especially when your wife is willing to call in the flying monkeys.
NTA, your wife disrespect you and your wishes. If this is the first time that happen, have a sit down with your wife be firm with your boundaries and laid down the consequences. If not, maybe you should think if you still want to be together with her
If it’s your credit card…. dispute the charge.
NTA. You don’t only have a MIL, you also have a wife problem. Check out r/JustNoMIL for more support.
NTA. You should see if you can cancel any portion of the trip such as hotels rooms, possibly even the plane tickets.
NTA, your wife has proven herself to be untrustworthy by booking the reservation for the MIL behind your back. It’s up to you whether you think you have a future together. Personally, I would file for divorce.
Updateme
NTA. Honestly I would consider leaving your wife for this – she lies to you and doesn’t respect you.
Don’t let her manipulate you.
NTA.
You didn’t overreact. Your wife betrayed your trust, made an important decision behind your back, and expected you to just go along with it. She promised not to invite her mom but did it anyway, and now she’s trying to make you the bad guy.
You clearly set your boundaries in advance, and your feelings are completely valid. A vacation is not a small thing—it was supposed to be your personal time together, and she turned it into a family trip without respecting your wishes.
Don’t let her or your relatives convince you that you should have just “dealt with it.” Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and if she doesn’t understand how badly she damaged it, then the real issue here isn’t the trip—it’s your marriage as a whole.
NTA and you need to keep setting those strong boundaries and consequences if this marriage is ever going to work. There are so many problems with what she did that I have a hard time pushing hard for reconciliation, but the only way forward is if you refuse to cave.
NTA and honestly the battle of wills between the two of you will never end
I get it, your wife is young and selfish. But, an old grown woman, who thinks it is ok to interject herself into a young family’s plan for much needed vacation they planned and paid for???!!! I would be so sad… and not only about ruined vacation, but my marriage and respect within.
I am so sorry for you. Hopefully it would be a lesson learned for your wife or perhaps a lesson learned for you. NTA
NTA and not overreacting. A person who is not willing to forsake all others, ie; prioritize their spouse (and any children) over everyone else should not be married. If your wife is not willing to stand up to her mother, or doesn’t want to, there’s just no hope. When you see her reminder to thank her mom for destroying the marriage.
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NTA.. she should have thought of the impending fall out.
NTA. Neither of those women have ANY respect for you. I would be soooo pissed if my partner did that. And I’m sorry but an adult being that attached to a parent weirds me out…. why tf do you want your mom coming on vacation with you?? If she wants to go on a trip with her mom, she should book a trip with her mom – not lie to you and go behind your back to secretly invite her on your vacation. I honestly don’t even know where to begin unpacking everything that’s wrong in this situation. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
NTA. She lied and tried to sneak something by you by lying to your face and assuming you’d just get over it. If I were you I would have cancelled everything you could for the trip on the spot especially if you paid for all of it (but maybe I’m just petty).
NTA
You were left without much choice. You either accept this as how it’s always going to be. Or you draw a line in the sand. Kudos to you for making a stand.
NTA!!!
Did they still go on the trip? Did you cancel it?
Oof. I was your wife in my first marriage. Maternal abuse and manipulation takes a long time to get a vantage point on. The reality is that her mom may never stop being a narcissist, may never stop interfering in your relationship, and may never understand boundaries. This is going to be on your wife to set them, set consequences and follow through.
You can give her the ultimatum, but if she isn’t at the point where she’s willing to stop letting her mom run her life, there’s nothing you can do but walk away.
NTA!!!! You did not overreact. Your wife completely steamrolled over you and has the nerve to act like a victim. Good for you for standing your ground!
NTA you will forever be pandering to this if you don’t stand your ground. It’s awful your wife did this to you.
NTA. You probably underreacted honestly. You probably didn’t sign on to marry two women. This is a dumpster fire and you are better off not going on a trip with them and quite frankly you need to either look at marriage counseling or a divorce lawyer. And I know Reddit says divorce at the drop of a hat but come on, she invited her mom on a trip that was supposed to be the two of you. That’s just icky.
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NTA and I support all the different posts stating why. Not only is your wife the AH, she lied to you intentionally with forethought and a plan to deceive you to get you to give in and get her way. She was trying to trap you in the situation where it was already paid for. You were very clear and her actions can be described as nothing other than malicious. I don’t know how you can trust your wife after that. as a 39M, I’d cancel my ticket and no longer go and I’d also likely separate pending therapy because you have a serious wife/boundary issue that won’t improve on on its own and you are wining against her dear mother. I couldn’t put up with that. It’s bad enough to deal with at home but to not even be able to escape her on a vacation after making it clear she wasn’t invited would eat me alive.
No. They are the ones overreacting. The marraige is between you and your wife. You are each other’s first priority, unless you have kids. Her mother needs to get her own life. I’m not sure i would go back to that situation knowing they had planned to deceive you the whole time anyway. Tough call though.
I’m guessing that MIL is good at gaslighting and that she passed on some of that skill to her daughter. Accusing you of ruining everything is pure gaslighting. They lied. They concealed. They completely disregarded the boundary you set. This is all on them.
That said, your real problem isn’t with both of them. It’s just with your wife. It sounds like she’s a hardcore Mommy’s girl who will often or always put the needs of your needy MIL before your own. Do you want to be in that kind of a marriage?
Good luck, my friend. You’ve got some hard choices to make.
NTA. But your wife is a huge AH. I would have left too. Your going to need more than marriage counseling because her family will still be in here ear every chance they get, and you will NEVER hear the end of it.
NTAH – There was no respect for boundaries or communication from your wife. Be careful – it sounds like your wife is picking up your MIL’s traits….
NTA
I hope you can get your ticket transferred to a subsequent trip.
NTA
You should cancel all the reservations. Why should your wife and enmeshed mother enjoy the vacation YOU saved and planned for you as a couple? You might lose money. But that’s no worse than those two co-opting what might have been a trip that saved your marriage.
This is such a chatgpt post. Your extended family is pushing you take your mother in law on vacation and calling you out on that?? Sure buddy
YTA. In the last two hours, you’ve aged five years. From one of your other posts today: “I (23M) work as a barista at a busy coffee shop in the city…”
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1jpx3et/aita_for_accidentally_spilling_coffee_on_rude/
NTA. This will never change. Money spent well to learn about future. Your choice.
While your wife is gone I would be separating finances, even if this works out next time she would be using her money not yours. If things don’t work out you are one step closer to a clean break.
NTA. Your wife doesn’t respect your boundaries or set any for her mom. It’s easier for her to stand up to you than it is for her to stand up to her mom. Now it’s “your fault” for not just going along with it, instead of her standing up to her mom and telling her “No”.
If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’re going to be caving in to her mom for everything..
It’s crazy your wife couldn’t just tell her mom “No”. I would be questioning if she even liked me at that point. Who wants their mom tagging along on a 2 week vacation with their spouse?
NTA. This was emotional blackmail. Once you give in to it, you will never have an equal role in decision making in your household.
So, should you go home? Sure, if your wife agrees to go to counseling. Maybe ask for that first counseling session to be before you come home.
But I’m not optimistic. It sounds like your wife has no sense that she might be in the wrong here. And the idea of apologizing has not entered her head. She’s still in the “blaming you for everything and making you feel bad about her unfair decision” stage.
If your wife wants to go on trips that include her mother then she should plan trips from the beginning that include her mother. This was completely unfair. Don’t blame yourself, you stood up for yourself.
It is unfortunate that your own family members are not backing you up here. They should be.
NTA, did your wife go with her mother after you left?
NTA if your wife wants to be in a relationship with her mother so badly, you should get divorced and let her marry her mother. I’d also cancel everything you paid for and definitely wouldn’t go on that trip. I’d book a whole new one going somewhere else all by yourself. They can enjoy their “honeymoon”
Why didn’t you cancel the trip?
NTA and your wife is an idiot. This was your vacation for a couple!! Not a third wheel trip with MIL. Then she orders a ticket behind your back. Ridiculous.
NTA.
If I booked a getaway with just myself and my partner and he went behind my back to make accommodations for his mom to join us after I specifically said no, I’d probably end my 11 year relationship, especially if he kept pushing the “it’s already paid for so you just have to deal with it” defense.
You want her to be with you in every facet of life so badly, allow me to grant that wish.
THIS IS AI.
NTA. Remind everyone including her she did this behind your back.
Your wife has a problem with her attachment to her mother and she straight up lied to you. You are NTA. If this is how she treats you and your relationship then perhaps you need to do some serious thinking about whether you want a relationship with her.
NTA. This. Is. Not. Okay. At. All.
You did the right thing. I had to do this with a relative as well. I am expected to just go along with it. I put my foot down once and it never happened again.
I’m always stunned when someone makes a decision knowingly against what has been discussed, then says “you’re ruining it”. That’s not how this works. NTA and I’m sorry that your wife doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Updateme
NTA
Your wife does not respect you and your wishes and needs. I’m sure you love her but take this time to consider if she loves your as much.
Do you have a MIL problem or do you actually have a wife problem?
It sounds like your wife undermines any attempts for you to set boundaries with your MIL. It should be your wife setting the boundaries with her family. Instead, she’s there enabling your MIL behind your back and just expecting you to be a get along Garry.
NTA
NTA. You should cancel both of their tickets and go on vacation by yourself.
NO! You are NOT the a-hole. Your wife had the absolute audacity to do that behind your back. You and your wife deserve time alone to just be a couple without entitled family members tagging along. How absolutely rude of her mom and the rest of the family that sided with the mom. You and your wife need to sit down and have a long talk about things
Hopefully you don’t have children it will make the separation easier. You are young get out now before you can’t. No fixing this situation.
NTA, you showed commendable restraint.
Updateme
NTA
While the incident was caused by your overbearing mother in law, a bigger problem is your wife lying to you.
The biggest problem, however, is the love/hate triangle you are in with your wife and MIL. It is not going to improve or get better….and you need to ask yourself if you’re up for dealing with it for the rest of your (or your MIL’s) life.
nawww she can have a girls trip with her mum now✊🏽✊🏽
NTA
Shame on your wife for giving in to your MIL especially when she agreed to not invite her. Good for you for not going. If you would have went it would just make your and MIL think that they don’t have to respect your wishes. Plus you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the trip with MIL tagging along.
Either your wife is a pushover and/or she doesn’t respect your feelings. I would be angry if my husband booked his mother a trip after knowing this was supposed to be a trip only for us….I know my husband would feel the same way too.
You know you have a wife problem more than a MIL problem, right? You didn’t ruin anything.
You told her you wanted time with her, and only her. She didn’t want to spend time with only you. She couldn’t be honest and tell you she wanted to spend time with her mother instead of you, so she lied. She is the one who ruined everything.
She made herself look bad because she would rather do what Mommy says than spend time with you.
Sorry you wasted the money, but sometimes peace of mind is more important than any amount of money.
Time for some serious thinking. Wife has shown you who she values most.
You need to decide if you can continue to live with a woman who puts her mother first.
Do you own your home? If so, tell her to pack up and move home to her mommy. Keep the house.
If you don’t own the home, don’t go back. Call an attorney and dump this woman as fast as possible.
Don’t say “but I love her so much.” Sorry to tell you, she doesn’t love you.
NTA
I don’t know why you all stay with these people.
>She even told our families, and some of them think I should’ve just gone and “made the best of it” instead of “wasting money” and causing drama.
Speaking of which your wife better pay you back for everything.
NTA-what a horrible thing your wife did. Her mother sounds like a real piece of scat
NTA, your wife is manipulative and controlling just like your MIL. It also sounds like she has a PhD in gaslighting.
Your wife is doing the exact same thing as her mother by getting other family members involved to pressure you. If she doesn’t get therapy, I would expect her to keep becoming more and more like her mom.
Updateme
Your wife ruined the trip the second she bought that ticket for her mom. You’ve got a huge wife problem here. She doesn’t respect or prioritize you. She doesn’t care that you’ll be miserable. She values her mom’s feelings more than yours. You guys need couples counseling, but this relationship may not be worth saving.
NTA and not overreacting. Your wife literally went behind your back and did something you already expressed that you didn’t want. She is choosing her mom over you every time. I don’t blame you for walking away. Maybe couples counseling if you think it would do any good. However, since she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong it may not do any good.
Consider divorce. Your wife lied to you.
NTA Your wife ruined her entire marriage.
NTA
Does your wife realize she is married now? Not in all scenerios of course but in this she should be taking your side. Even if her mother was great the vacation you planned was for the two of you.
NTA. If you have a shared account, I’d take a good chunk out and plan a solo Vaca starting the day before she gets back (so there’s no chance of her expecting you to pick them up).
NTA, I’d have canceled everything before confronting her, I mean, you said you’re the one who worked saved and made all the arrangements for this trip.
Who are these insane people mentioned in posts like this who think people like OP should literally just allow stuff like this to happen??????????
It boggles my mind that anyone would ever consider it OK to do something like this, much less encourage the person that it’s happening to to just allow it to happen over and over again. Fuck that.
NTA at all, OP. Not only is it inexcusable that your wife allows her mother to do this in the first place, the fact that she promised you she would make sure her mother was not coming on this trip and then she herself personally bought her mommy a fucking plane ticket behind your back is so goddamn egregious I think my marriage might be over if I were you. Your wife needs to understand that you will never put up with this again whether that means your wife finally stands up to her mom or you divorce your wife. Those are her two options. Nothing else.
NTA. SHE ruined everything
NTA She said deal with it and you did. If you had gone ahead this time, that’s the way it would be forever.
Also she lied to you, this would be difficult for me to get past.
Updateme
While she’s vacationing with her mother I’d be moving my stuff out of the house (if it’s her house, moving her stuff out if it’s my house) and contacting a divorce lawyer.
you need to find anew wife. one that you can trust and respects you.
So, did they go?
NTA. I’d insist on marriage counselling or we’re done.
ESH. She booked a plane ticket behind your back and hoped you’d “deal with it”, you stormed out of the house instead of having a conversation about it and reiterating that if her mom attends the trip you are not going. Try to get a refund on the plane tickets because you two will need the money for the divorce
NTA. You certainly ruined her mother’s vacation that your wife booked on your dime since I’m sure your wife was a mess the whole time. But it’s her own damn fault for wasting your money, lying, and letting her mom ruin your vacation (and likely your marriage). You need to be vocal to the rest of the family to let them know exactly what was done.
what spouse would do that and not have a conversation before hand, it’s beyond
crazy. I’d go somewhere by myself that week.
NTA. YOU are her partner not MIL. There is no excuse for lying to your partner or going behind their back. She could have asked to plan a separate family trip later on but she chose to lie instead. The fact that she thought you would just “go along” with it shows that she doesn’t respect you, your thoughts, or your feelings. MIL is also clearly very entitled, I cannot fathom why she thought she could invite herself on your vacation, let alone argue with you after you said no. Be very careful with those two, I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried guilting you into thinking you were the bad guy here. Stand firm.
NTA, you have a WIFE problem as well as a MIL problem. But SO being the sneaky snake she was just would have me done with ever trusting her again.
NTA. Your wife and MIL are though.
NTA but also ESH. No one handled this like an adult.
Your wife lied to you and went behind your back to manipulate you. That is a huge red flag for your relationship.
People running to other people to put pressure on you is manipulative and extremely disrespectful.
The flying monkeys need to be shut down. Running to other people instead of communicating with each other is no way to be in a loving and committed relationship.
You two need serious marital counseling.
NTA!!! But your MIL certainly is! I feel bad for your wife though. If you don’t mind me suggesting, she should get into therapy asap so she can work on freeing herself from her manipulative and controlling mother.
I’ve been married close to 25 years and I am FINALLY 100% no contact with my MIL with my husband’s wholehearted support. I went through HELL not only because my in-laws were horrible to me – the cherry on top was my husband was completely blind to how f-ing crazy his family is! The gaslighting, even though unintentional, was so damaging to our marriage! It wasn’t until a series of dramatic events occurred that reality smacked him in the face and he woke up to see what a bunch of toxic AHs they all are.
THIS is your dramatic event. Your wife has been living with this crazy person all her life and this manipulation feels NORMAL to her. She has been conditioned to never go against her mother or else there will be hell to pay. Get into therapy (ideally couples + her solo) so she can see how co-dependent she is and you can save yourselves years of suffering. Maybe even keeping good boundaries without having to go NC since you’re catching it early. Good luck!
NTA – Did your EX wife go to the vacation with mommy?
Why is it that families often want to sacrifice the violated person.
You have a wife problem .
NOR. That is perfect actually, I love it. Let them all freak out, and DEFINITELY never feel bad about drawing a hard line over having your relationship boundaries disrespected nonstop. I know I couldn’t live that way!
Did they go without you?
nta your wife is deceitful and inconsiderate
NTA. Depending on how much you want to save your marriage, it’s lawyer time. You clearly stated what you wanted for your vacation, but she ignored it and did the opposite. Your wife is gaslighting you, and making you believe her actions are your fault. How often does this happen? If you’re not being heard, there’s a fundamental problem in your relationship. Only you can judge if the situation is fixable and worth the effort
NTA this is ridiculous
NTA. Let anyone who asks that you are no longer going to just get over things. I will get over my wife putting her mother constantly before me. What she is doing is not love. She can be with whoever she wants to now moving forward. I would also that your MIL. She has shown you that your STBX will not put you first in the marriage, and that is unacceptable. Tell her congratulations, MIL can now have her all to herself. Let your wife know that her mother won and she has lost you, forever. Get the divorce and move on from her and them. Updateme.
I knew a woman like your wife. Absolutely codependent with her overbearing mother. She made her husband’s life hell until he has enough of the disrespect and lack of love and finally divorced her.
Even after the divorce she never recognized her own fault despite her every friend telling her.
Either move to the other side of the country away from MIL and do intensive counselling together as a last ditch effort, or save yourself years of misery right now and recognize that your wife is on her mother’s team not your team.
Nta
NTA. I had to deal with every vacation being centered around in-laws, and it sucked. Once we had kids we never had a family vacation that didn’t include extended family.
Enough. Stop with this bs. You just posted on a few subs a few hours ago saying you are a 23M working at a coffee shop. YTA for making up stories.
You don’t have a problem with your wife’s mom, you have a problem with your wife.
NTA, your wife is the problem. She doesn’t respect your wishes or requests when it comes to her mom.
Holy balls! I would be so angry, I would be having the divorce conversation, and 100% would die on that hill. MIL is making her play for power/control in your marriage, and she obviously still has your wife wrapped around her finger. This is for all the marbles, so don’t give in. NTA. Stay strong.
Get a divorce while you’re still young.
And yes, 28 is still young.
This behavior will never change.
NTA. The money for the plane tickets is spent whether they are not used or not. Wasting money is not the issue. The issue is that your wife that your wife is incapable of telling her mother no, and her mother is incapable of accepting it. The issue is that your wife is putting her mother ahead of you. The issue is that your wife lied to you.
So, now, imagine you have a disagreement about some concequential issue with your (theoretical) children and imagine how disrespected your opinion’s going to be. I wouldn’t want this. Nothing about the thought processes that motivated and allowed this to seem okay to her is acceptable and apologies are just the beginning. She just told you “I’m doing whatever I want and you’re paying for it”. That attitude doesn’t change on its own, if ever.
NTA
Instead of spending money on a trip with your wife you should have planned for a divorce, you will be better off alone at this point……
Let me tell you. I ready did not get along with mine but like I said. I DID NOT. She is gon now. I have alot of regrets.
NTA
You have a wife problem, and she’s unlikely to change. She needs therapy to deal with her overbearing mother and establish boundaries, if she can’t do that or refuses, then your relationship is over (unless you’re willing to up with this kind of behaviour for the rest of your life).
Your MIL is and AH, but you’re in a relationship with your wife, not your MIL. It’s your wife who should be fighting back and setting HER family straight. If the family is behaving this way, and acting like it’s ok to harass you, you need to consider running for the hills since it’s likely they will never change and don’t understand boundaries at all.
NTA I really hope you didn’t have children because this relationship is heading for the rocks at breakneck speed.
NTA. This is a “two yes” situation. She lied, and this isn’t a little white lie. This is an additional person (that you don’t particularly like) coming on a vacation meant for the two of you.
I mean, I love my mom, but…. your wife needs to pick between Mommy and her husband.
Divorce. Nta. Have her go on the trip. Rent a storage unit. Put all her stuff in said unit. Change the locks. Get a good divorce attorney
This trope is exhausting. Overbearing in-laws and unreasonable spouses. You chose your spouse please deal with it or look through previous stories just like this one to gather your advice.
NTA. I would have traded the ticket with your name on it for another destination and went on your own vacation.
I would be reconsidering my marriage if my partner lied to me and schemed behind my back and did not respect my wishes. It tells me that they don’t care about me.
You deserve a partner who respec5s you and puts your feelings first.
Good luck.
UpdateMe
Nta. But I would have canceled both their tickets and went alone.
NTA. Your wife has had ages to establish boundaries.
You made the mistake of marrying a child still attached to her mommy’s breast. I would cancel all reservations and let them figure it out. This is a bill to die in.
Get a lawyer and get your finances in order. The only way you’re getting rid of this nightmare mother In law is by a divorce. Which is what I would do. Your wife is enabling this horrible behavior. And apparently so are the other family members. GET OUT NOW.
NTA
This a huge deal, what your wife did is really bad.
If genders were reversed and this was a momma’s boy sneakily bringing his mother on a getaway, Reddit would be screaming at the poster to leave her man-boy husband. NTA
NTA. When someone in the family harasses you, tell them you are pleased that they will be taking your MIL with them on their next vacation and you can’t wait to give her the good news. If they give you any grief, say you intend to stick your nose into their business every time they butt into yours.
You have a wife problem, not an MIL problem. This is a hill to die on. Continue to refuse to do any vacations with your wife if your MIL is coming. Make it clear if your MIL shows up at your destination, you will leave. Tell your wife it is up to her to set hard boundaries with her mother. Set your own boundaries with your wife and stick to them. Refuse to argue, just implement consequences if your wife ignores your boundaries.
Info: Did they go? If I were you I would have cancelled all the reservations I had made.
NTA. You have a wife problem as well as a MIL problem. It’s no wonder your MIL doesn’t respect boundaries because she knows if she pushes her daughter enough she’ll get her way anyway..
OP this relationship is done. Your wife doesn’t respect you, and fundamentally that’s the line you can’t uncross for me. Your wife may come out from under mummy’s wing if you leave her (it’s honestly a 50/50 chance) but if you stay, this is 100% your life. NTA. I would not have gone either.