For our whole relationship (8 years), my (34F) husband (34M) will have these “moods” where he will not really talk for sometimes days on end. Getting him to converse with me is like pulling teeth. He said he just needs time to “decompress”.
Sometimes this will happen after I do something that bothers him but for the most part he says there isn’t anything wrong and it has nothing to do with me. But it will often happen on weekends and it feels isolating and cold. I have suggested taking our daughter and going somewhere else so she doesn’t have to be in that environment but he insists it is not a negative environment and I shouldn’t leave with our daughter as he wants to spend time with her too.
Our therapist has agreed with my husband that there isn’t anything wrong with this situation but my family finds it concerning and I am left feeling lonely and like I’m over-reacting. Am I being judgmental? Should I just endure it or do I have a valid point here? Is this an environment that is unhealthy for my daughter or am I projecting my own feelings into her? I’m at a loss here.
Tldr; husband shuts down and doesn’t talk to decompress and it leaves me feeling neglected
Comments
”Our therapist has agreed with my husband that there isn’t anything wrong with this situation” ??????? your therapist thinks it’s perfectly fine for your husband to not speak to his family for days on end???
Uh, find a new therapist! This is absurd. His coping mechanism for wahtever he’s dealing with (anxiety? depression? anger?) are not effective or appropriate for a man with a family.
It may not be a negative environment to him (and his therapist), but it is a very negative environment to you.
Your feelings matter in this relationship, too. Not just his.
Have you told him that you feel shut out and isolated when he goes silent for days? Have you told his therapist? Or is he just parroting what the therapist says because you haven’t been allowed to go even one time?
He says he wants to spend time with your daughter, but how can that be enjoyable or a positive experience for her if he’s not talking? Or is he just not talking to you?
I get wanting quiet time to decompress. I don’t understand why he needs DAYS to work through his decompression process. Part of marriage is communicating and he’s not doing that with you and ignoring your needs.
If you haven’t gone to a session with him, I think you should ask to go. Perhaps the therapist isn’t getting the full story from him, so thinks it’s “normal”?
Couples therapy might also be in order.
Good luck and keep us updated
A few hours would be fine. A few days is not. I had a boyfriend who asked for space (a week that turned into two) to decompress. I broke up with him. A relationship and life together is not something you can turn on and off like a faucet.
I suspect he was autistic and struggling to manage burnout.
Find a better therapist.