the headline pretty much sums it up but I will provide additional context. my mom and dad have been married for nearly 30 years and growing up (i’m the oldest of 4), my parents were the epitome of a loving & healthy relationship to me. never argued in front of my siblings and i, had a traditional marriage in terms of dad being the provider and mom being a stay-at-home mom to take care of house duties and us kids. i knew that when id start to date, i wanted a relationship that mirrored theirs in terms of long-term and loving. (we’re Mexican so there are some things I wouldn’t mirror in my personal romantic relationships but i digress).
sometime last summer, my mom told me she had suspicions of my dad going behind her back and viewing content on his phone she was uncomfortable with. she mentioned naked ladies so i just assumed it was porn and when she confronted him, he got defensive and said that every man does it and why does it bother her so much? also adding that it “relaxes him”. at first, i didn’t think this was a big deal but then she added that she suspects him of talking to other women as well and she thinks he is cheating. i was caught off guard by all this and it was very emotional for me to carry this information given she asked me not to tell my brothers or anyone else for that matter. i did tell my therapist how uneasy i was with it all because this conversation had me see my dad in a completely different way and my mom as well considering she was crying and very hurt. we signed her up for therapy and unfortunately, due to her not being insured, the cost became too much and she stopped going. the conversation didn’t really have a solution and i thought they were fine.
fast forward to today — my mom asks me if i have jealousy issues which seemed super random considering i was just working from home while she cooked. i explained that i used to be but with my current boyfriend, i do not have them because we trust each other. she then told me she was never the jealous type until now because of my dad. she added that while they’ve been out together, she notices him looking at other women for extended time, almost breaking his neck even to catch a glimpse, has apps on his phone still, and suspects he has a relationship with a woman that works at our nearby mini-mart. i guess at the first instance with the app, my dad said he’d delete it and do it no longer but my mom checked his phone and the app(s) are back. then, when confronted, he has given my mom threw different explanations as to why he has them. she also mentioned that he locked the app “whatsapp” when she asked why he had that, even though he claimed it was only because of his sister who lives in Mexico. lastly, this lady at the mini-mart — my dad goes to this mart early every morning to play the slots before work and even on weekends and my mom suspects they have something going on because when she’s asked him to stay so they can hang out in the mornings, he says no and apparently knows a lot of information about this woman? like her work schedule, how many kids she has, where she LIVES?!
the evidence is definitely stacked up against my dad and my mom told me that when she brings up these feelings to him and cries, that he turns it around on her and calls her “sick, crazy, toxic, etc.” which pissed me off because why are you gaslighting my mom sir? she also said my dad is super guarded with his phone and has changed his passcode since my mom is “loca”. she said she won’t leave my dad but feels super broken that she doesn’t trust him and my dad seems to not care.
she asked me what should she do and i told her that my best advice is to talk to him and tell him how she feels and see what can be worked out so the trust can come back. she said she doesn’t think it will so i told her to focus on her own healing for now since she doesn’t want to separate.
i guess I’m asking for some advice on how to console my mom better since i’m put in this awkward situation and what i suggest to her? i want to be there for her but also not totally have my perception of my dad ruined. he’s a great dad. always has been, just isn’t being a great husband.
TLDR: mom thinks dad is cheating and she has lost trust in him but doesn’t want to separate. dad is gaslighting her and denies all of it. doesn’t know what to do and confided in me and now idk what to do to help.
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I’m sorry you’re in this tough situation, especially when it’s so emotionally charged for both you and your mom. It must be overwhelming. In moments like this, it’s crucial to listen, validate your mom’s feelings, and avoid jumping to conclusions before she’s ready. You’re in a delicate spot as you want to support your mom without damaging your relationship with your dad.
From what you’ve shared, it seems your mom feels trapped in a relationship where trust is severely compromised, yet she’s unwilling to leave. It’s painful to witness, but sometimes people stay in relationships because they fear loneliness or because they’re hopeful things will improve. Your suggestion to focus on her healing is wise. Maybe she could talk to a therapist again, even if it’s without insurance (many therapists offer sliding-scale fees or online options). Counseling might give her the space and support to rebuild her sense of self and gain clarity.
Also, you might want to suggest that your mom has a calm, honest conversation with your dad about her suspicions and her hurt. If he truly cares about her, it might be a wake-up call. Ultimately, she needs to decide what’s best for her, whether it’s trying to repair the relationship or moving on for her well-being.
Lastly, I came across a helpful comment online about learning how to stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve. It mentioned the book Veylarim Princess Treatment by Sofia Amoretti (I think that’s the name), which can really help set boundaries and improve how people treat you. It might be a good read for both you and your mom if you find the time.
Wishing you and your mom the strength to navigate this tough situation.
Get a GPS tracker for his car and have a friend go into the mini mart around the same time, it might be that he sits at a slot and chats with a pretty store clerk and nothing more.
Well, you can only help support your mom and be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.
I’d say that regardless of how you feel over your dad, it’s important that your mother can be happy. And while I understand that not wanting to leave because they’ve been together that long makes sense….
I wish these kind of things could be easily fixed. But if your dad does not care about being her husband anymore other than just carrying the title and label, then this entire marriage loses it’s value.
All those vows and promises only to be disrespected day in and day out.
I hate divorces, but damn I don’t want to live miserable with someone who doesn’t want me and openly has affairs with others.