I’ve (31f) been with my boyfriend (30m) for about four years, and I usually take maybe one solo trip a year, usually something like visiting a family member or going on a birthday trip with a friend.
Every single time I’ve taken a trip like that, I’ve noticed that my boyfriend suddenly makes plans he normally doesn’t. One year, I went to Colorado with friends, and while I was gone, he randomly went out of town with a cousin he barely even talks to. Another time I went to Atlanta, he ended up going to a club downtown with a different cousin. And I say this with love, but the man doesn’t even own club clothes. That’s not his scene. So it always feels like he’s reacting to me being gone, not just living his life as usual.
He still texts me while I’m gone, the usual good morning/good night, “hope you’re having a good day”, “did you have a good day?” Texts, but when I come back home, he doesn’t ask how my trip was or anything like that. It’s always just “good to see you,” and that’s it. He never seems interested or curious about what I did or how it went. It’s just something I’ve started to notice.
One time I took a trip and the following week, he ended up driving to visit one of his old college friends in another city which honestly caught me off guard. He and this friend used to be close, but they don’t really talk like that anymore. My boyfriend barely even responds to this guy’s texts, so it was weird to see him suddenly make the effort to go visit. It just added to the pattern I’ve noticed where he makes random plans or reaches out to people he normally doesn’t after I go somewhere.
And then every time I plan a trip, it’s like he makes a point to tell me he’s going to be doing something too. One time I was getting ready to visit a friend in DC, and he said something like, “Oh yeah, I got stuff going on that weekend too.” It kind of felt like he was trying to let me know he’s not just going to be sitting around waiting on me. Which I’m not expecting him to but why say it like that?
Anyway, I’m not jealous or upset, I just think it’s interesting. Has anyone else experienced this? Am I overthinking it or is this something others have noticed too?
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Do you take trips with him as well?
What has his response been when you’ve asked him about it?
Maybe you fulfill a big part of his social needs. Therefore, when you’re out of town he needs distractions.
Or maybe you travelling inspires him to go travelling.
It’s weird, it seems like he feels the need to one-up you? Let you know that you’re not the only one with plans. Maybe he’s trying to make you envious? Which I don’t get because it’s not like y’all are competing to see who does more with their friends? Does he ever have any inclination to travel with his friends or take a boys’ trip when you are not traveling?
He’s definitely doing it purposely, and it’s probably some form of jealousy. Does he have many friends? Maybe he’s jealous he doesn’t have friends to go on trips with like you do.
It also could be that he’s trying to prevent himself from being resentful that you “left” him. I’d keep an eye on this behavior, within a marriage especially it could turn into a problem where he just tells you no, you can’t go.
This just sounds like he feels like he has that time to catch up with people or do stuff because you’re not there and you usually spend time together.
It sounds like he’s tryna make plans so he’ll be busy. He might be tryna look like he has a life he doesnt lol.
Because when you’re around his social needs are largely fulfilled by you, and when you’re not around they’re not.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to sit at home alone and just wants company.
Seems like he’s making plans to match so he doesn’t look like he doesn’t have anything going on. Calling cousins he’s not close too sounds like he just tryna have an outing by any means
Yep, that was my ex husband. We did go on trips together, which he was always excited about
but after each of the handful of times I went solo in our 11 years together , he didn’t seem to want to hear about my trip. He also did that on just my nights out with girlfriends; he’d huffily say “Well, I’ve got some plans tonight too then!”
A definite sign of jealousy from him if he’s not interested in your solo adventures, AND he’s trying to one-up your plans with his own. I’d definitely talk about it or it could lead to bigger problems down the road.
To me it sounds like he enjoys spending the majority of his socializing time with you. When you leave he seeks out others to fill that.
Maybe he doesn’t ask much about your trips because he doesn’t want to feel like he is prying into your private time spent with family and friends.
You do know that it is a very weird thing but toxic men will call people “ cousins” that are side pieces, or they actually even have their family lie for them…. I am sorry to say this sounds like he waits for you to leave to cheat…
Sounds like he gets lonely without you and reaches out to family/friends. Which is normal and healthy.
OK let me speak to you as someone who had a long term loving relationship but with an anxious avoidant man. This is just another perspective:
When I was away, he didn’t handle it well. He’s not the only man I’ve seen be so codependent that they can’t handle being alone. The first few times were struggles, him not eating or sleeping etc. but eventually he started doing the same – hanging with people he wouldn’t normally, because anything was better than being alone. It is possible that he really misses you when gone and doesn’t handle it well, so he makes plans. And when you’re back, he doesn’t even want to hear about the times you’re gone. Healthy? No. But I really don’t think it’s some sort of egotistical manipulation others seem to jump to for no reason
> It kind of felt like he was trying to let me know he’s not just going to be sitting around waiting on me.
Go with your gut, OP, that’s exactly what it sounds like to me. Man doesn’t want you thinking you’re the only good thing in his life, so look at him Doing Stuff without you!!!
Maybe he’s a little insecure?
My husband and I travel very regularly without the other person, and it’s honestly one of my favorite times to do things he doesn’t want to do. You mentioned him seeing someone he almost never sees. Is it possible that he gets to prioritize things differently when you’re not around or pay attention to things he wouldn’t do? Otherwise? I don’t see it as nefarious, just because I know that I’m more likely to schedule certain things when my husband does out of town then when he is home.
Ask him.
Maybe he wants to do some traveling himself and it’s an opportunity to go be active with folks and catch up.
I had an ex like this. Is jealous but if it spreadsto other things it can affect the relationship along the way. Rivalry can start
If my love were away for multiple days I would also want to fill up my idle time. (Shrug)
Can relate, my ex did the exact same thing. Had been asking him to go to a national park forever, and he was always too busy with work, too tired, whatever. As soon as I’m on my solo trip overseas, suddenly he’s going to that park.
I spent a week on a train solo around Uzbekistan and he didn’t ask me ANYTHING about it…
the comments getting the most downvotes are the realest.
Does he ask you about other things you do – like show interest?
This is a really interesting article, that reminds me a lot of your situation: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/07/28/well/family/mankeeping-definition.html