The kind of men I attract are the ones that typically are insecure, or have nothing to lose/no fear of rejection, or are the types to just shamelessly flirt with everyone. Also the traumatized ones, which are also kind of insecure. And of course, the emotionally unavailable ones. I’ve never been sure about having a family so I deliberately avoided the fairly large population of men who were looking for that in my late 20s and early 30s.
I’m tall, attractive. I’ve been told I’m intimidating. My dating life is honestly terrible. I’ve tried to start things before, but not in recent years. Back when I tried to start relationships, I wound up being accepted by guys with serious issues that made a relationship impossible, and I had to break up with them (codependent/major childhood trauma, cheated/emotionally abusive, conservative/sexist, can’t function/hold a job). Recently I had my first guy that seemed great but would not commit, so I had to cut that off.
I can’t bear the though of putting myself out there, knowing that most guys will say yes, and I never know what I’m getting myself into. At the same time, I don’t exude “please try me” energy, and I don’t think I’m perceived as approachable. I understand that WANTING a man to like you is perceived by men as fun, interesting, exciting. But after the shit I’ve went through I approach every dating situation defensively, skeptically, and pretty seriously.
What would you do if you were me?
Comments
I’d go to therapy if this lack of trust was having an impact on my life.
I think there is a happy medium of being cautious, careful and moving slowly but also remaining somewhat open as well.
I’m not currently there but if I ever try to date again that will be my goal. The reality is though, there are a lot of duds out there and you have legitimate reasons to be cautious, but at the same time you don’t want to block your own happiness.
Be willing to walk away sooner. Date around awhile before being exclusive with any man. If you see red flags, create distance with him or leave entirely.
You could talk to a therapist. Figure out why you’re reluctant to put yourself out there. Explore your beliefs about healthy/unhealthy behaviors, so you can feel confident in your own judgment. You can explore if you think there’s anything you might be doing that draws you to those type of men & vice versa.
Not to sound too cynical, but it might not just be you who is drawing in the low-value men. It sounds like it’s hard to find a good one amongst the cesspool of turds. Our whole culture seems to be becoming more mysognistic and bigoted. “Traditional” values are being promoted, and to some it means women don’t be have careers. Some leaders are even speaking out about women not needing to vote. Finding quality people is hard.
You are not attracting these kinds of men specifically. They are just the majority. And many men get insufferable when the woman is the one who initiates. The issue doesn’t lie in the approach style.
Do you WANT to be actively dating? Might be worth it to truly sit with that question. If you don’t, remove the burden of interacting with these men and enjoy or tend to the other aspects of your life.
If you decide you do, you’ll have to try to increase your self trust in order to do so, and get very specific about what you want. You can’t filter out every terrible man, but you can trust yourself and your instincts, and leave quickly when they show red flags or incompatible traits. But yeah, it’ll likely be a slog; you’re looking for a needle in a haystack.