18M I’ve always struggled with depression but in the last year my mental health has really rapidly gotten worse. Right after I turned 16 I got sexually assaulted by a man in his 40s. I spiraled and got therapy without telling anyone the real reason, I realized quickly if I told my therapist what had happened she’d tell my parents and I just didn’t want that. So I stopped going. I got on Xenaflaxine (Effexor) and they seem to help stabilize my mood which I absolutely adore. When I was a kid in middle school I always would do really odd things like I pushed a kid down the stairs for bullying me, I put tacs on another kids chair, just like generally bad things. Since getting on these meds I often feel like I have cotton candy brain where I don’t feel much actual emotion. I kinda feel like I am watching another persons life a lot. I just don’t have empathy anymore and since I don’t have conscious thoughts (I can but I’ve never had a inner dialogue) which is a problem because I say things that I think are normal and then I freak other people out. I think I used to be more normal or feel more but I don’t really remember. I genuinely feel like I’m just way more unstable and unhinged than I used to be. I don’t wanna blame this medication because it’s helped a ton with my depression I don’t know. Anyways that’s all I hope you enjoyed this rant and if you have medication advice lmk
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How long have you been taking the medicine and what dosage?
It’s really frustrating that it is hard to know if you’re taking too much or not enough.
Some people feel great on low dosage and others on max dosage. And for some it doesn’t work at all.
I know what you mean about feeling numb. I can’t enjoy movies. I don’t go to bars with my friends.
My motivation is close to zero.
Im sorry you were assaulted. My advice would be to get off antidepressants and just stay California sober with maybe microdosing mushrooms intermittently to help with mood. Im talking 0.1 grams. I feel like not enough people try them in a medicinal way like this. Works wonders for me.
I got brain zaps from lexapro years ago so I dont really mess with SSRIs anymore. Those types of drugs are a powerful brain frying commitment with annoying side effects in my experience.
Antidepressant medications are incredibly difficult to perfect for individuals. Changes in dosage, combining meds, changing meds, etc. ALL affect how they’ll influence your mood. Most antidepressants can take 4-6 weeks until you notice relief, which makes it tenfold harder to identify the right treatment.
That ‘numb’ feeling you describe is common with antidepressants. If you can, I’d continue to try adjusting your dose or combining it with another medication, or psychotherapy down the road if you decide to go again.
Overall, sorry to hear what you’ve been through and try to be patient with yourself while navigating everything. Life is hard, the least you can do is give yourself grace when the going gets tough.