Basically, I got into the University of Minnesota, the school I always wanted to go to, but the pandemic happened and I had to go online to study. It was a complete failure as I had undiagnosed ADHD and just could not learn online. About a year and a half in, I just gave up. I remember feeling like I was floating, and the registration button was there but I just.. didn’t.
I had started online, so I just told my parents that it was half online and half in person. They never really noticed that I would rarely leave the house. This lie has persisted for 3 years. I even told them that I needed an extra year to finish my degree for no reason.
After that, I got diagnosed with ADHD and actually started to feel much better. My mind finally felt more organized, and I started to focus on music, my greatest passion. I had this delusion that I would be able to make money selling beats and make it up to my parents, but it just didn’t really happen. For the past three years I’ve been living under their roof living barely above poverty working part-time at a child care center. I was also doing drugs at the time too. On a family trip I realized how different I was from everyone and just how distant I was. I’ve really been by myself for about three years. Regular things like hugs are kind of strange for me.
Recently I was reinstated to the school, but I also learned about WGU acceleration and am rapidly finishing courses. I could potentially get a degree by the end of this year.
But also, I never really got the college experience and am realizing that there could be a good chance that I would be alone forever. Part of me wants to go on campus to connect again with people. Also, because of how old I am, tuition would be less expensive.
Looking back on the past few years, I just… I don’t know what type of person I am.
I feel like I have fucked my life up and it was all… for nothing. I’m struck with grief.
I feel like I’m always going to be behind my peers and that it will be super hard for me to ever connect or get a girlfriend or anything. Just feeling lost.
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Naw bro , don’t say you didn’t ever get the college experience … this is YOUR college experience . Don’t make it too much of a big deal we all battle silent battles and it seems that you took yourself from the depths of depression and made a comeback with the accelerated course. Keep it up man you’re doing great and if you practice good habits and stay consistent everything will fall
In place .
I guess the deceit isn’t great, but, it’s what you needed to do to survive.
I’m proud of you for getting cleaning, getting the help you needed, and getting back on track with your degree.
There’s no uniform “college experience” either. If you want to connect with other people, go connect. Join some clubs, pick up a new hobby, whatever. Plenty of places to connect outside a college campus.
Anyway, celebrate your accomplishments and look at how far you’ve come. Nothing is wrong with you. This was just how you coped with unprecedented times.
Congratulations on going back to school. There’s no reason to think you’ll be alone forever. A normal in person college experience is no guarantee of a girlfriend and a college girlfriend is no guarantee of a meaningful long-term relationship. There are lots of young people in your position of feeling very alone and behind their peers. You can and should find opportunities to meet and connect to some of them.
And there’s no reason to think you’ve fucked up your life — you’re young, you’re on your way to completing a degree, you have passion for music, you can hold down a childcare job, you have continued to apply yourself despite having a hard time. These are all great things. You’re doing much better than a lot of struggling young people. Take some pressure off yourself and try to recognize what is going well and what your successes are.
Don’t focus on the end hoal, compare yourself to yesterday.
You failed uni, not great. you got diagnosed and reinstated, big step forward. the finish line is sight, great. you still feel lonely, so bite the bullet. Join a club, do something.
Life is too unpredictable to solve all of your imperfections, focus one after the other and it becomes more managable, and before you know it you’ll be proud of yourself.
There isn’t A college experience. Everyone’s experience is different. You may have romanticized in your head the ideal experience but that’s the exception, not the rule. There are thousands of ways to get back to socializing and getting around people.
As far as things with your folks go, I’d recommend that you get with a therapist. If you’re taking online courses with an actual campus nearby, there is often free therapy available through student health services. You need to figure out a way to break it to them. They may be upset but finding out 5 or 10 years from now would be even worse.