My dad has been cheating on my mom since I was 12. She forgave him, and for a while we thought he had stopped. But about a month ago, I found out he was still having an affair after he used my phone to message his mistress. My mom and I confronted him and asked him to leave, but he begged for another chance, and we gave it to him.
Today I discovered he was still cheating. I saw new messages he sent just this morning. And that was the breaking point for me and My mom we packed his bags and made him leave. Now he has nowhere to go and is sleeping in his car.
The hardest part is that my mom made me decide whether he should stay or not. In the middle of all my anger and sadness, I told him to leave. Now I feel like I’m being eaten alive with guilt, because it feels like I’m the one who made my dad homeless. Deep down, I know he’ll never stop his affairs, but I still feel bad for him because he’s my dad.
I’m only 16, and this is more than I know how to handle. Part of me wonders if I made the wrong decision, even though I know it was his actions that brought us here. I’m not close to my dad as he never tried building a relationship with me but I still feel pity for him
Comments
You did not make him homeless, his choices did. Its normal to feel guilty but the reposibility is his not yours
Your dad is an AH for cheating
Your Mom is an AH for putting the burden of choice on you
Your dad brought this upon himself. Why is he not crashing with his mistress? Sounds like he’s just trying to act pitiful. If his mistress won’t let him, guess it’s a lesson on the type of people you forsake your family for.
If his mistress is still married, better inform the spouse
Seriously?? Your mom decided, YOU should decide and carry the guilt??
Not ok.
OP.. your dad was kicked out, that is as it should be: he betrayed your mom and the family.. so no, dont feel guilty…
However, speak to your mom. Tell her, that asking YOU to make the decision SHE was supposed to take, is not ok. And unless she takes ownership of it, you and she will have issues going forward.
kinda surprised that no one has brought this up but how fucked is it to use your child’s phone to text YOUR mistress like jfc
I am sorry your mom did this to you. It is grossly unfair that your mom made you make the decision as to whether he stays r goes. She did that to absolve herself of any blame.
Nothing here is your fault. Your dad is at fault because he is a cheater. Your mom is at fault for pushing her responsibilities on you.
u didnt make him homeless, his choice did. ur only 16 and u know how to protect ur family, brave
It sucks your mom put you in the middle of this but the matter of fact is this is a consequence of his actions. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone to live with his mistress.
Your parents are both AHs for involving you in their mess.
Why are you so involved in your parents relationship??
Ive been there.
My Dad, after years of screwing over my mom, being abusive, being a money drain, being a raging alcoholic, finally went too far. I convinved my mother to call the cops and he went to jail (for about a year).
I really was hoping that being in jail would get him clean and be a start over for my parents. Thats not what happened, my mom being away from my Dads abuse, got a clear head and was able to realize she was happy away from all the crazy. She got a restraining order and got a divorce.
My father got out of jail, couldnt find a job, and now lives on a pittance of retirement (never saved), and cant really afford anything. I send him money and try to help out, but I have a lot of guilt over the situation he has now and for convincing my mom to call the cops.
But under all that, I know my Dad wasnt going to get any better and would have eventually driven my mother to lose her job, get into crippling debt, and even hurt or kill her.
I made the decision as an adult. You are just a kid, its understandable to feel guilty but out of everyone involved here, you have absolutely done nothing wrong.
You father is an adult and he will find a way to come out of this ok, and your mom will as well.
Why does he have no where else to go? He can go be with his mistress now. Isn’t this what he wanted after cheating on your mum for the last 4 years? Plus however many years before that. Tell him it’s tough luck and he can go be with her since he was so unhappy at home that he felt he needed to cheat on wife. Tell your mum to contact a lawyer to protect herself as much as possible moving forward.
Damn op I’m sorry, both of your parents suck. Please don’t feel guilty, it’s not your fault.
Your mom is an asshole. Why on earth would she involve you at all? She’s as bad a parent as your dad. He’s cheating, she’s emotionally abusive. Learn boundaries with both of them, I’m sorry they’re both using you for their emotional warfare. Seek therapy when you get older.
Your mom should NEVER have put you in that position. It is almost as bad, maybe worse than what your dad did.
If she wants to divorce him for betraying the marriage, fine. She should have years ago. The only decision you should have to have made is how or if you want a relationship with him.
This should absolutely not have been on you! Your mum shouldn’t have done that, and your dad using your phone and continuing to do this is awful.
Don’t feel guilty, he’s a grown adult, and whilst he may make you feel guilty, he will go to one of the women’s homes he has been cheating with
I’m sorry your parents have done this to you
Both of your parents are ah’s. Selfish selfish ah’s. I’m sorry. Your mother is a coward for this.
Your mom should have never made you decide, however it was his choices that led him to be homeless NOT YOU
Your mom should have had a backbone and told him herself without involving you.
I KNOW how hard it is to be the one to make the choice that will leave your partner homeless. My ex threatened me so many times that he would have to live in his car and I always caved. But at the end of the day, no one except your dad made the choices that lead to this. He can go sleep with his lady friends house.
I’m very sorry you’ve been put in the middle of two unregulated adults. Absolutely not your fault.
He is old enough to know what would happen he got several chances and still messed up don’t feel guilty for his decisions
Both your parents AH. Your dad using your phone to cheat, plus the constant cheating and your mom putting such a burden on you. Please tell your mom how you feel about all this. I’m sorry you have to go through that, you’re only a child
Your mum hid behind you. But 16 is not old
,youre not too young either, so you should be able to process this. Its not “forever”
Your mom sucks, too. For putting the burden on you because she couldn’t handle the guilt herself. That’s fucked up.
Please do not feel guilty. This was his own decision.
Oh, love, I’m super sorry that you were put in that position, your Mother shouldn’t have made that decision seem solely yours and it was extremely unfair (and unconscionable) to do so. BUT it was the right choice for you and your feelings (and pain) ARE legitimate. BOTH of your Parents have involved you far too much in their relationship.
I (62/F) was put in a similar position when I was twelve! My abusive alcoholic Father, who used to regularly beat my Mother in his drunken rages and me when I would try to protect her. One night they were screaming at each other and I yelled “Stop it!” My Dad point-blank asked me if “I thought he should leave?” Frankly, I thought my answer of “Yes, if he’s not going to change” was pretty mature (and reasonable) for my age at the time, I still do. SO HE LEFT! They even started the divorce. We didn’t see him for SIX MONTHS, until we randomly spotted his truck at a store while on our way to visit my Aunt. My Mom left my little Brother and I in the car and while she went in to talk to him, then brought him out to say “Hi!” I refused to acknowledge him, didn’t talk to him for months afterwards, even after they reconciled. I was also furious with my Mom.
You seriously need to have a blunt conversation with your Mother! Tell her that making that decision YOURS was an abusive, cowardly move. It most definitely wasn’t YOUR decision to make because it wasn’t YOU he was cheating on. Please don’t get me wrong, of course you’ve been “collateral damage” and strongly affected by his affair(S) but YOU AREN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM LEAVING and you certainly didn’t “make him homeless!” You should make it very clear to your Mother that you’ll never forgive her if she dares to get back together with your asshole, unfaithful Dad after making YOU “do HER dirty work!”
As for me? The drunken rages, the abuse CONTINUED until one night I (about 16 or 17 at the time) was woken up to my Mother moaning and found my dear old Dad straddling my Mother beating her bloody. I was eerily calm and told him that regardless of whether my Mother ever pressed charges or not, the next time he EVER laid a hand on her with anything but love, “I” would call the Police and gladly press charges against him! Frankly, I doubt that I could have pressed charges against him BUT, surprisingly, HE BELIEVED IT, took my threat VERY seriously and, as far as I’m aware, never hit her again.
Please don’t blame or doubt yourself. You were (seemingly) placed in “a position of authority” by your weak-ass Mother, a completely untenable position that NO “child” should be put in. Your Dad made the home environment emotionally unstable by his frequent infidelities and neglect. I hope you realize just how toxic your home-life had/has become. I hope you have a safe and reasonable adult in your life who you can trust and call for help if you need them, if only to VENT with, but can also stay with if your Mother (unjustly) starts blaming you. Please feel free to DM me if you need to talk. And keep us u/updateme
You can probably get a family counselor at school to help out with this. It’s quite ridiculous that your mom is parentifying you.
You need not feel bad for your father cheating and having no self control. You did the right thing by deciding he should go, even though it should not have been your choice. Your mom wasn’t strong enough to make that decision, so she made you do it for her. Just know you made the right one. You and your Mom deserve peace, happiness, and faithfulness.
You are being abused by both parents.
Your dad staying or leaving should NOT be your decision to make.
Your mother is deliberately trying to alienate you from your father.
Yes, he is a crappy father and husband BUT it’s not YOUR place to decide whether he stays or goes.
That is an adult decision that your mother placed on you.
Your feelings of hurt and being torn right now are a result of your mother’s emotional manipulation.
Do you have another trusted adult whom you can turn to for help – aunt, uncle, grandparents, family friend, etc?
This is hard and heavy for even adults who go through it but for a child of 16, it is causing you emotional damage that you will need therapy to fix.
I’m so sorry that BOTH your parents are hurting you like this.
You did nothing wrong you are protecting the harmed parent. Your father’s actions led to his consequences
Your dad sucks for what he did but your mom is for sure the worse parent in this situation for involving you AT ALL, let alone making you feel directly responsible for this by making you, a child, choose.
Your mom is TA for making this your problem. But you made the right call. You shouldn’t have had to be the one, but if your mom couldn’t be strong, I’m glad that you could. Don’t let her back track. You don’t back track either. This doesn’t get better. He’s known what the consequences would be and he still continued to do the same things. He deserves to feel the repercussions of his actions.
That sounds lonely and exhausting.
Your dad chose his affair over his family for years, so living in his car is simply the natural consequence of his own decisions.
If it helps, notice what this moment is asking you to acknowledge.
Here is a little advice – never trust a cheater. No matter what they say or how they contrite they act. Never let them back into your life.
Both of your parents are dead wrong for dragging you into their mess.
Let go of that guilt. Your dad is teaching you that there should be no consequences for your actions. He’s emotionally manipulating you.
Never accept this behavior from any man, including him. Your dad is an adult and will figure it out.
And your mother was wrong to put the burden on you.
Your mom should NOT have done that. You should in NO WAY be responsible for the shit show that is their marriage.
That said, don’t feel guilty — and don’t invite him back. He’s trash. Let him stay with his mistress. Oh! Let me guess… she’s married.
You shouldn’t be in the middle of their marriage. You don’t need to maintain a relationship with him, though.
Worked with a guy who at 18 found out his dad was cheating. He threw everything of dad’s out on the front lawn, called dad at his work and told him to come pick it all up cuz he’s not welcome back in the house.