Two weeks ago, I buried the person who raised me. To the outside world, she was just my sister. But to me, she was everything.
Our parents died in an accident when I was only eight. My sister was eighteen. Just a teenager herself, suddenly pushed into the role of caretaker. No one prepared her, no one stepped in to help. She was still figuring out her own life, still a kid in so many ways, but she had no choice. Overnight she became my guardian, my cook, my homework helper, my disciplinarian, my comforter. She never complained in front of me. She never once let me feel like I was some burden she had to carry.I remember nights when I woke up scared and she sat by my bed holding my hand until I fell asleep again, even though she had exams the next morning. I remember her putting away food from her own plate and sliding it onto mine, pretending she wasn’t hungry. She worked part-time jobs no one would want just to pay rent and keep us alive. My graduation picture? She was the loudest one cheering in the crowd. The truth is, every step I’ve ever taken in life, she was the one pushing me forward, even if it meant she stayed behind.
And now she’s gone. Just like that. Two weeks ago I lost not just my sister but the closest thing I had to a mother. Since then I’ve been a mess. I cried for three straight days, couldn’t stop myself. Even now when I try to tell stories about her to my daughter, so she’ll know who her aunt really was, I keep breaking down midsentence. My daughter has seen me cry more in these two weeks than in all her years before combined. Last night, I was telling her a story about when I was ten and my sister saved up enough to buy me a used bicycle. I still remember the look on her face when she surprised me with it, it was pure joy, because she knew what it meant to me. I was in the middle of that story, tears in my eyes, and my wife just cut in. She said, “Stop whining. She wasn’t your real mother. Behave a little sane, like a man.”
Something inside me broke. I can’t even explain the rage that came up. It felt like someone stabbing at the only pure memory I had left. I shouted at her. I kept screaming “shut up, shut up and just shut up.” Then I said something I never should have: “If you weren’t my daughter’s mother, I would have deleted you long before.” The second those words came out, I knew I’d crossed a line. I regret it deeply. I don’t want my daughter to ever see me like that. She looked scared. That look on her face gutted me more than anything. Because now I’ve added another scar, and this one is on her. But at the same time, I can’t pretend my wife’s words didn’t dig into something raw. She has been violent before. I can barely hear out of my right ear because of her. I’m missing a piece of my finger because of her temper the part of the finger next to the thumb, about 1.5 cm gone. Those weren’t accidents. They were the result of her anger, her hands, her choices. And as much as I hate admitting it, part of the fury that exploded from me last night was built from years of being on the receiving end of her abuse.
She has always been both things at once violent and then apologetic. After every incident, after every screaming match, after every slap or worse, she cries. She clings to me. She says she’s sorry. She says she didn’t mean it. Last night was the same. After I yelled, after my daughter cried, after everything fell quiet, she broke down too. She cried and apologized.But this pattern is endless. Hurt, apologize, repeat And I let it keep happening, because every time I think maybe this time it will change, Now I’m left with a mix of grief and regret that’s hard to even put into words. I lost my sister, the only person who ever gave me unconditional love. I lashed out at my wife in a way I regret, and my daughter saw a side of me I never wanted her to see. I keep replaying it all in my head, the way my wife’s words cut me open, the way my voice rose until even I didn’t recognize myself, the way my daughter’s face crumpled with fear.
I feel trapped. On one hand, I know my wife is abusive, physically and emotionally. She’s the reason I’ve got permanent damage to my body. On the other hand, I also know what I said was wrong, and I can’t just excuse it because of her behavior. I’m responsible for my own actions. I know I am. But when someone constantly chips away at your dignity, mocks your grief, tells you to man up while you’re mourning the one person who saved you it pushes you into a place where all the bottled up pain comes spilling out. The hardest part is, I don’t even know what my daughter thinks now. She’s only a kid. She shouldn’t have to process any of this. She shouldn’t have to see her father shout like that, or see her mother reduce her father’s grief to weakness, or grow up in a home where apologies come only after destruction. I want to protect her, but right now I feel like I’m failing at that.
So here I am, two weeks after losing the only person who ever made me feel safe in this world, sitting in a house where I don’t even know how to be. I’m full of grief, guilt, anger, and confusion. I don’t know how to balance mourning my sister, facing my own regrets, and raising my daughter in a way that won’t scar her the way I’ve been scarred.
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Im so sorry for your loss. Your grief is valid and your wifes abuse is not okay. PLease reach out for support, you and your daughter deserve safety and care
You need to leave you wife. I’m sorry mate, but she is abusive.
Your sister sounded like an absolutely wonderful angel !! I’m desperately sorry for your loss. I think you would be wise to seek out grief counselling to help you navigate this difficult time.
As for your wife…the polar opposite & frankly an abusive POS! You should have left her a long time ago, but, the next best time is now.
Your sister raised a good man, do her a service by reporting your wife for her assaults on you, & then pass the report to your divorce lawyer. You know you deserve to live life as your sister intended, not like this
Kindest wishes 💕
You need to divorce her, switch it around, if a woman was saying all of this to you, what advice would you give her?
It’s the same exactly the same, abuse is abuse no matter who it’s from, you need to protect yourself and your daughter.
Sending you hugs, please get counselling to help with the trauma and losing your wonderful sister and please take care of yourself, you deserve so much better!
Firstly I’m so deeply sorry you lost your sister. She was a fucking hero and an exceptional person from the sounds of it.
Secondly you need to contact a lawyer. Because you and your daughter are not safe. Only a matter of time before the abuse and gaslighting turns onto your little girl.
Don’t let that bitch destroy the man your sister fought so hard to raise into being. A good man.
You need to step up, channel your sister and fight to get you both to a safe place.
my heart breaks for you and your child 🫂
>I don’t know how to balance mourning my sister, facing my own regrets, and raising my daughter in a way that won’t scar her the way I’ve been scarred.
this is too much for any one person to bear alone. do you have access to therapy? you desperately need to talk to a professional who will hear you without judging you, help you feel safe again, and help you make a plan to keep yourself and your daughter safe.
this is well above reddit’s paygrade, but I hope you will get enough kindness and compassion here to salve your heart at least a little.
please reach out if you need help finding a therapist. 🫂 strangers care about you and want you to get through this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to get yourself and your child away from your wife.
Your wife is teaching your kid that her behaviour is normal.
You need to leave her and take your daughter, it could be her who gets the beatings! That’s not safe!!
I’m so sorry OP. May she rest in peace. Your wife is horrible, please reach out to a better support system, friends who genuinely care, and reconsider this relationship.
It’s astounding how much people put up in their lives just to keep the “family “ together.
I am sorry for you loss.
But its time you leave your wife.
Try to take custody of your daughter.
You need to divorce your wife. Its not healthy for any of you.
I am so sorry. I have also lost a sister and I want to give your wife an attitude adjustment for you. 🤬
Your daughter should see a man who stands up to abuse, as you did. Others would have beat her within an inch of her life for such a provocative statement.
When I was an active attorney(63F), I spent several years representing victims of DV. I would estimate about 98% were men abusing women but there were several men as well. For male victims, it is just as difficult, if not more so, for them to file for many of the same reasons female victims have difficulty filing, but then the additional “shame” of not being able to “handle their woman.”
I remember one victim was a police officer and he finally gathered the courage to file because he realized he could not continue living his life like that. He decided his life and safety were worth more than whatever his family, friends, and/or co-workers thought of him. Oh, and he had plenty of evidence.
Save yourself and your daughter. Your outburst caused way less damage to her than her observing what her mother does to you.
You’ll be happier and be able to grieve safely if you do leave her. Your daughter notices this and staying in the toxic is worse for her.
As a child of divorce, it was the best thing for them cos of the hate they had for each other. I actually smiled once they separated.
Happy one hour cake day
You need to separate from your wife, you can’t be subjecting your daughter to this kind of violence and malice.
What the fuck man, you lost parts of your finger and you are still with her? Is that even save for your daughter?
You are right to be hurt by her words, everyone would be. And you have every right to mourn the loss of your sister. No partner ever should behave like this.
Seriously, take your daughter and leave for the sake of both of you. This is absolutely insane. I cannot imagine that you lose any fight over custody with her history unless yours is equally violent. All the best to you and your daughter, please stay safe.
Your sister was a REAL MOTHER, may she rest in the peace that she deserved.
Please, your wife is abusive, try to gather as much proof as you can over time, and prepare to leave her and take your daughter with you! Be strong, for you and your daughter. You deserve better.
OP this kind of grief can last a long time and it seems like your wife is going to gaslight you about this. For your child,your future and her safety, I suggest divorcing her. You will end up taking her out and you’ll regret it
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m very close to my sister. She’s my best friend. I’d be a mess as well if I lost her and I can’t imagine my husband being unsupportive. But you need to leave your wife. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is normal? That this is how a wife treats her husband? What happens when your daughter causes her to get angry and she gets abusive with your daughter?
“I’m not going to make excuses BUT” and then you make excuses. Your wife’s abuse is horrible. She’s a horrible person. But that doesn’t even matter because you said you would have killed her already if it weren’t for your daughter, and you implied you should kill her now or will kill her in the future. Take everything else out of this situation. Do you want to be in prison for the rest of your life? If your answer is no, you need to remove yourself from this situation permanently. Before you end up a murderer in a blind rage someday. Because that is where you are headed. It doesn’t just start magically deescalating once your fights have escalated to this point. It will continue to get worse.
Give your daughter a chance of seeing at least one normal, maybe someday happy, parent. Choose being single over toxic relationships moving forward. You can’t control what your (hopefully ex) wife will do with her life, but maybe she will come out the other side a better person someday as well. But what is happening right now will kill the both of you.
Take your daughter and get away from the violent abuser. Run. Protect your daughter.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I hope you will find the strength to stand up for yourself and your daughter and leave your abusive wife.
You should not be married to someone like this. Your daughter deserves to see you happy and safe. You can’t keep it together all the time when you are being abused.
this looked like bot account. the over details, over arching story screams Ai
I am so sorry for your loss. I am NOT sorry for the loss of your soon to be ex wife.
You need to get out. With your daughter. Make a plan.
Leave your wife. Your daughter and you are better off. I hope where you life they give dads 50/50 custody.
I’m sorry about your sister. Losing such an important person, that pain never goes away and it’s still so fresh, it’s cruel what your wife said. I’m sorry ❤️ your sister seems like such a lovely person!
It’s unfortunate your daughter saw that. Leave your wife and protect your daughter from her.
You need to document her abuse so that when you leave, you can get custody of your child and not leave them in that situation but you need to go. You deserve better and someone who could dismiss your pain and losing someone so important in your life is not someone you need to be around. I lost my sister less than a week ago and while she wasn’t a replacement mother for me we were extremely close so if someone told me what you say she did it would’ve taken everything in me not to actually delete her at that time. You deserve so much better my condolences and I hope you leave this situation. UpdateMe
All other issues aside for now, talk to your daughter about why you lost control. Acknowledge it, discuss it if she wants to, and move on, if possible. When I make a big emotional mistake, I talk to my kids about it, where it came from, and apologize that they had to see it. It’s only happened twice, and it wasn’t a blow-up but the same concept. I really feel it’s important for children to see your healthy response in the aftermath of situation that went off the rails. Best of luck. Now get rid of that c*#!.
You’re in an abusive relationship and for your good and for the good of your daughter, you need to get out. Do not teach your daughter this is what relationships should look like.
I’m so sorry for your loss, a mother figure can come in many forms, and yours came via your angel of a sister
She protected you, nurtured you and loved you. And now she’s giving you one last gift, the vision that you need to leave your wife.
How utterly cruel of your wife to say such a thing, you know you need to go. Don’t think yet of the how’s or can I, just move forward, just start.
Future you will thank you and your angel
Oh honey. Firstly, I am SO SORRY for your loss. That’s just awful. Sending virtual mom hugs.
Secondly, your wife is abusive. Yes, I know you feel bad because your child saw your reaction to the abuse, but that is on your wife. NOT YOU. You and your daughter are both victims here, because your daughter witnesses it. That takes a toll on a child. Your best course of action would be to plan an escape for the two of you. Gather evidence, document EVERYTHING, speak with a counselor, talk with a lawyer. If not for you, for your child. Your daughter deserves to grow up in a loving environment, not an abusive one.
I wish I could have met your sister, she sounds like the role model the world needs. She’s absolutely a part of you and you need to protect that and get out. Tell your daughter how the one last thing your sister did was save your life again and saved hers. Your sister wouldn’t want this for either of you.
As someone who lost two of my parents (I have 4, I was adopted at 10) within a year of each other, you cannot stay with her. You will not be allowed to grieve and it will eat you alive until you are your grief. I lost both of mine while with an emotionally unavailable partner and I resented them for not being there and letting me travel those roads alone. Abuse will amplify the negative emotions. She’s not going to be there for you.
As someone who had parents that were a bad match (and I’m sorry, you two are a bad match), you will show your daughter that these relationships are okay. My biological parents were horrible to each other. That really messed up a lot of my early relationships because I tried to subconsciously model them after my parents relationships because they were the only ones I knew worked this long. I married at 19 to someone who was abusive before we hit 3 months (since divorced).
You need to save yourself and your daughter. I know it is hard. I know it will be painful, especially now, but your mental health and your daughter’s future needs you. This should not be more clear to you. Death always shows someone’s true colors.
I know it is likely for this to fall into the void, but I sincerely wish you luck, OP. You deserve so much better
When you read this, just substitute ‘he’ for ‘she’.
But please read it and start to get yourself and your daughter to a better place.
https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
ETA: I’m very sorry for your loss. Keep telling your daughter those stories! You have GOT to get away from your wife.
You both need therapy,separately though and a separation. I’m assuming this might not be the first time your daughter has witness this type of behavior from her parents since it was easily done in front of her. She’ll probably need therapy as well.
My brother, from everything you said, your sister sounds like an angel, everything she did to support and to take care of you shows what kind of person she is.
Do you want to continue life, thinking, am I really going to continue being with this abusive wife knowing my sister gave up her teenage and adult life to take care of you. Do you think this is what your sister would want for you? She would want you to be happy and for you to be in a positive loving relationship.
Don’t let all her love and hard work on you go to waste, take care of yourself, get therapy and leave the marriage.
This is what your sister would want for you, and I’m sure is what she would be thinking before her last few moments – for you to be truly happy, her one and only brother.
OP – I’m so sorry for your profound loss. Your sister does sound like a true hero. I’m glad she and your daughter got to know each other – may that thought and your memories bring you some comfort.
So about this event you’re posting about… first of all, realize your daughter has already been affected by living with a woman who physically and emotionally abuses her father. There is probably already some emotional bruising (don’t want to say it’s abuse specifically) but kids are adaptable so let’s not focus too much on that.
That said, she witnessed your vulnerability – was she scared of that? She then witnessed her mother cut you down brutally with words no one should ever say. She then saw your justifiably-over-the-top-response.
That is one hell of a moment for a kid to experience. I am going to assume your daughter was not negatively overwhelmed by you telling her about your sister. I think it can be scary for a kid to see a parent get emotional, but I truly believe it’s important to let kids know about grief their parents carry. I hope you were able to keep that in mind as you shared; if not, I encourage you to create a buffer between your raw emotions and your daughter, after reassuring her that grown ups can get very sad but that doesn’t mean she isn’t the most important thing to you in this world.
Your daughter saw her mother emotionally gut you. THAT is what caused all of this. It’s essentially emotional violence. You responding with all the hurt you’re feeling is TRUE EMOTION not violence. Your daughter will be able to understand that eventually if not already (not sure her age, but even a kindergartner can understand what a bully is).
Your wife must be removed from your home. Divorce her. Go for full custody with at most supervised visits. Therapy for you and your daughter. I’d prefer you call the police and she goes to prison for the assaults that have left you with permanent physical damage, but start with getting her out and away from you and your daughter. SHE IS THE THREAT not you.
OP, please know you’ve done nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to have your pain dismissed so cruelly by someone who is supposed to love and accept you, “warts and all”. Get the cruelty out of your lives. You and your daughter can get through this and be happy alone. Wishing you all the best 💚
I’m sorry for your loss
Apologize to your daughter for your temper in front of her. Tell her that even adults can reach their breaking point but you will try to do better for her. Tell your wife to get therapy if that is thing in your country so she can deal with her issues.
Honestly if your wife is not willing to get help you might want to seek a divorce and custody of your daughter to protect her
Sorry you lost your sister, she sounds like she was lovely, and the world is worse off without her.
I can tell it is eating at you who you yelled at your wife in front of your daughter. Start there – apologize to your daughter and explain that your pain of losing your sister has been unbearable. You regret what you did and acknowledge that unfortunately your daughter has seen very unhealthy behaviors from both you and your wife.
With that addressed, you are acknowledging your regret, her fears and assuring her you understand that words have impacts.
Once that is done, follow every other suggestion to find a lawyer and get yourself and daughter away from that horrible woman.
Sending you a huge hug.
Your wife sounds like my sis in law. She never liked and has separated my brother and I. She wouldnt want any woman to do better than her, or to even see her husband getting close to sny woman including sister.
The redditor here is right, you need to leave your wife. This is no good woman.
In so sorry for your losses. Your sister is still helping you beyond the grave. Her death made you stronger. Now it’s time to do what your sister did for you step up and be a parent. You know your wife is abusive. It’s time to set a plan in motion. One document everything she does. Start saving your money for you and your daughter so that you have an exit plan. Consult a lawyer fund a place to live hand your wife papers
Its fucked up but I totally understand your reaction and I think its justified. I would probaby do something similar if I was you.
Even if he leave his wife. She will still be abusive to his daughter if she gets 50/50 custody. You need to leave your wife and go for FULL custody.
I ask only one question…… is this the example of a grown up relationship you want for your child??? If yes, keep the status quo? If not, then it’s time to change…..
And if I may add, it sounds like your sister sacrificed much to raise you. IMO you thank her by living a good fulfilling life and raising your child as she raised you.
You know what your sister was to you. She stood between you and the cruel world and said, “Not on my watch!” She made sure you were safe and that you knew you were loved.
It’s time for you to do the same for your child. Your wife is a violent abuser. If you think your daughter will come through her childhood unscathed, you are wrong. Contact an attorney and start getting things in order. Protect your child.
Leave and take your daughter. Get a lawyer and go about it the right way. You matter, your wife needs help, but your daughter deserves peace. My mother was quick to anger, and she eventually started smacking me when I would screw up. She couldn’t do much to my step-dad, he was too big. But, she tried. He didn’t leave her until I was 20. After he blew up at her, it became a common occurrence to hear them arguing and more. It became easier for him to lose control. She wouldn’t back down. It was horrible and left deep scars.
Protect both of you before you lose yourself. Be for your daughter what your sister was for you. A safe loving place. Your sister would not want you to continue living like you have been….abused and unhappy. That is not the life she raised you for. She definitely sounds like the type who would want her niece to be raised with the same love she gave you. She gave up a part of her youth out of love. You may have to give up your wife so that your child can have the same chances your big sister gave you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Grieve. Find someone to advise you properly. Get into therapy, grief counseling groups. Whatever you need. Best wishes for a brighter future.
Get evidence of her abuse and leave her man… get therapy for you and your kid asap too
Losing your sister, who was your rock and mother figure, is a profound and valid source of grief. The cruelty of your wife’s words, combined with a history of physical abuse, triggered a response born from deep, bottled-up pain. While you regret your outburst, your rage is a natural symptom of enduring years of trauma, not a reflection of your character.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m wondering, what did your sister think of your wife? What was their relationship like? Did your sister know your wife abused you?
(I had actually posted this to one of your comments, but thought maybe I should just also post it as a standalone.)
Sorry for your loss, please get yourself and your child away from your abusive wife. Your child is witnessing your relationship and is that the example you want her to grow up with?
Your wife is clearly a very angry person. Perhaps jealous of your admiration for such a strong and amazing woman that your sister was. Deep breaths, calm thoughts and start documenting all of the historic abuse and plan your exit. There will be threats, emotional blackmail and terrible things said BUT your sister would be proud that you are making the correct decision for you. She didn’t go through all that pain and suffering for you to live in pain and sadness.
I’m so sorry for your loss, your sister sounds like an extraordinary woman. I’m so sorry she won’t see your daughter grow up but you may find you see your sister in her. For the last twenty years my brother has been involved with a similarly abusive woman, thankfully there are no children involved. Because of her behaviour he saw very little of my son while he was growing up, she would prevent him from coming to family events. But my son is incredibly like him and always has been, even when he was little.
Please get yourself out of this marriage and get some legal help to get as much custody as you can of your daughter. This isn’t something you will get over but I hope you’ll find a way to come to terms with it.
You know she liked it when you out a big emotion. It’s called reactive abuse. You need to protect yourself by leaving her. There’s no point of living with someone who you resent because of abuse. You’re just waiting for her next abuse and put it on your list. Her way of belittling you because you mourn someone who is dear to you should be your wake up call. Don’t let her destroy your image as a good father to your daughter. Remember, she likes you reacting violently at her.
As a child of divorced parents. Get a divorce.
I vividly remember my father in a fit of anger, moved a wardrobe, and in the process cut my mother’s finger. He didn’t touch her, and the fact that my mother got hurt because of something he did still plays in my mind. It’s one of my most vivid memories.
Please understand that your daughter will remember what she sees, so it’s a lot better to step out of a toxic environment and show her at least one emotionally healthy adult.
I am beyond sorry for your loss❗
You need to grieve very much, and that is difficult.
Question: is your wife ANY kind of abusive towards you daughter❓ More than that, if you were to extricate yourself from the situation, would your daughter be the next punching bag, or worse❓
I ask this, because due to the fact that she’s maimed you (not to be taken any kind of lightly), and has been other kinds of abusive, would this shift to your child if you were not present❓
There’s so much that can go sideways, and you may need things like restraining orders, emergency custody of your daughter, that kind of thing, should there be any violence going on (it sounds like there was), in the future.
Domestic violence is nothing to sneeze at. If she were to escalate what she does, or you were to snap, where would that leave your daughter❓
🙏🙏🙏
I know it’s the worst time to have to think of this kind of thing, but it has to happen.
i literally cried while reading this and i have two things to say:
sorry for your loss.
leave this demonic miserable human being you call your wife
Don’t let your daughter see this as normal. Please leave and get custody of her. Document everything. Get your ducks in a row. I’m sorry op. This is a terrible thing you are dealing with. You deserve do be treated with love and compassion.
Here is the lesson your daughter is learning: it’s ok if my partner beats me and mentally harasses me because afterwords they say they are sorry and that must be love 💕
LEAVE YOUR WIFE! Teach your daughter this is not ok.
Your wife is literally garbage. I’m sorry, about your sister, man.
I’m sorry for your loss. Possibly start a journal about your sister and all the stories you want your daughter to know about her.
You need to have a serious conversation with your daughter and apologize about what she witnessed.
That being said if your wife is that abusive there is no doubt that your daughter has witnessed the abuse at least once. You need to speak to someone about the emotional and physical abuse. Start keeping a journal of any future abuse in your phone would be a good place to have it, phones are always with you and not something that can be left unattended in a desk somewhere for the other person to find
Supportive a grieving person is extremely hard and honestly sometimes it can be frustrating, overwhelming and a little bit annoying. I know I sound like a monster here but that’s just the honest truth. However I would never in a million years say those things to that person or even hint I was getting annoyed. You have one job when something like this happens and that is to support your loved ones going through loss and grieving. Your wife was completely insensitive and uncaring saying this to you. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can grieve in peace and take the time you need to heal.
I am sorry you feel trap. But, it isn’t hopeless. You just have to do it- leave. You’re not doing good by staying in abuse relationship. Your daughter will resent you as she grows up. I am a product of abusive home. I had become suicidal and depressed. I started witnessing abuse at age of 12 through 18 when I left for college to get away from it all.
I always pray that my parents are divorced so I don’t have to witness physical fights (involving verbal, physical, knife, guns). If my father (alcoholic abusive parent) didn’t die of lung cancer, I might have ended up killing him and or hate him if he had lived. Free yourself so you can be better father, better husband to woman who actually appreciate and respect you. That woman (you call wife) does not respect you, otherwise, she wouldn’t have abused or disrespect you. She supposed to be on your team and complement you.
Because I grow up in abused home, I long for descent father figure and was not cautious with myself around men and by age of 20, was molested by three men, old enough to be my father/grandfather. I still feel the unfair treatment received as a naive young woman. I could be your daughter. Lucky for those men, they all died. Had they not died, I would have tracked them down and beat the shit out of them. I am 55 years old now and still feel tingling of rage every now. Leave that woman. You should be with someone who matches your energy and who elevates your quality of life.
You and your child should not be around your wife.
FWIW, my mother was kinda like your wife and it’s left me with cptsd that I’m still working through in my 40s.
Get your daughter and get the hell out of there! Your sister didnt sacrifice her youth, her time, her food, herself, for you to be abused and kicked around. And she CERTAINLY didnt do all that so your daughter could see all this.
Leave your wife and take your daughter with you. Bring everything out in the open so there’s no risk her her getting custody. The lack of empathy about your sister’s death is divorce worthy, even before I read everything else. Get a lawyer. Get out. Fight for your daughter.
Remember – kids look to their parents for what to seek in a partner. Do you want her taking after you? Or her mom? Or do you want her with you, going through therapy and learning what not to accept in a relationship?
I am so sorry about your sister. Virtual hugs.
I think you’re giving her every pass and giving yourself none. I’m unsure how this became normal for you, but I know exactly what you’re going through.
I was in a very similar situation not that long ago. It took two restraining orders and a divorce to finally get my life back.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Get some therapy. Get a lawyer. Get out. Protect yourself as much as possible first, but get out ASAP.
It will get worse. And it’s just a matter of time she hurts your child. Physically. Because non-physical abuse is already happening. You are just so used to that you don’t see how bad it is.
This is no environment for your daughter to be raised in. You should leave, but don’t you dare leave her behind to live with your abusive ex! So sick of reading stories here where the father says he left cause of abuse but left his own children behind to deal with the abuse he fled. If you leave, take her with you.
ETA so sorry for your loss. Your sister sounded like an amazing person! 😞💔
Make a police report, detail as much as the violence and evidence as you can.
Then leave the abusive bitch, sue for custody. Present your case being the one that’s not abusive.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your sister sounds like she was an amazing person. Grief is awful for all the ways it manifests in your life. You are entitled to experience all of the feelings you are having. You are human, and losing someone you love is traumatic. You aren’t less of a man or anything else for having feelings. In fact, suppressing your feelings will cause other problems for you. Now you know your wife is not a safe person for you.
The good news is that kids are pretty resilient. You can have an age appropriate conversation with her and just keep encouraging her to talk to you or ask questions. You would benefit from someone professional to talk to as well. Just to help you through your stuff. As for your wife, it’s up to you if you’ve had enough, or if she would be willing to work on herself with a professional. Her mountain sounds higher to climb than yours, but if she is willing, the results may be worth it for keeping your family together. Doing permanent harm to someone is a crime, and she’s gotten away with everything thus far. Right now, she should be worried and thinking about her future. She may assume that things will settle back down and she won’t have to change. I wouldn’t trust her until you have some sort of agreement. If you have assets, secure them. Get your documentation together. Get information from an attorney and an accountant. Find two or three therapists who specialize in her kind of issues – and let her know to pick one or she can find her own place to live. You deserve to feel safe in your home and safe with your partner. Protect your child from her mother if you can, but inaction will only repeat the cycle. Take some of that grief and fight – for yourself and your child. Find your allies and ask for support. You can do this. Change is uncomfortable, but it’s how we grow. Even as adults. I wish you the very best.
Leave your wife, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth all this. (And if she’s like that with you, make sure she’s not like that with your daughter too!)
And apologize to your daughter for scaring her. Kids appreciate apologies, it lets them know their parents are human. Also, it sets a good example for her to follow, and it might even make you feel a little better too.
She needs to fucking go. You deserve better.
OP, maybe don’t leave right now. Not with this memory so fresh in your daughter’s mind. Your wife will play up and dramatize this memory to hurt you and gain custody. Play your cards right. Let this pass. Build many more positive memories with your daughter. Work on strengthening your relationship with your daughter. Then, when things are going smoothly, leave your wife, and take your daughter. I feel like your wife is a huge narcissist and if you leave or give her a clue that you will be leaving, she’s going to start working hard to manipulate your daughter into choosing “her side”. Narcissists make kid’s choose sides, and pit them against the other parent, instead of keeping them neutral and understanding that kids should love and care for both of their parents. Don’t let your wife know your plans if you decide to leave. No shame in staying, although she is abusive and you need to leave, I know people in abusive relationships only leave when they are ready. I hope you’re ready. 💗
I’m sorry you lost your sister. She sounds like an amazing person. While you’re still young and can remember everything, maybe start journaling about your memories and thoughts. Keep it somewhere your wife can’t find and therefore can’t use against you. Remember that your sister didn’t sacrifice her life to raise you for you to live in misery. Honor her sacrifice justly. Feel your pain, let it flow, for as long as you need to. Then, get back to the task at hand; living your best life, giving your daughter a happy life.
I wish you all the best.
Your wife had no right. Cry as long as you need to, you’re allowed to fall apart and I’m tired of people acting like it isn’t ok. This person was your world, fall apart, cry often, and talk about her all the time to your daughter. Keep her memory alive and always always always tell her about her auntie
BPD could be a possibility. You have to make a decision to either understand how to live with it or not. If she dives in she can learn to manage it.
Your sister sounds like the most amazing woman. Your wife is abusive and staying with her for your daughter is not doing either of you any favors. You both deserve better. You feeling guilty for your daughter seeing that side of you shows you’re a good man and had a bad moment in front if your kid due to the circumstances people put you in. To say something that horrid and insensitive in a moment of pure grief is disgusting. What reaction did she expect? Apologize to your daughter and let her know you lost your cool at that moment and why in an age appropriate way. Get rid of that guilt you feel by being human with your daughter. We have a range of emotions like grief and sadness but also rage when pushed.
My big brother has been gone 10yrs, I still find days where I miss him so much my chest aches.
Cry whenever you need to, grief & growth aren’t linearly measured.
All of you need therapy and time-outs for space.
As a child who grew up with a verbally abusive mother & a passive father, please do not replay these scars upon your own daughter.
Your wife sucks.
If the abuse isn’t enough for you to leave, consider this – your relationship dynamic is going to be the blueprint for your daughter’s future ones if she continues to be subjected to this type of environment. Please consider seeking counseling for abuse survivors along with grief counseling.
This woman you are married to is not a Wife. She lacks empathy and in no way has your back. Staying in this relationship does not help the child and may actually be detrimental to how she views relationships and the world in general
Your wife is horrible tbh
Omg! You need to leave her. Take your daughter with you.
I could barely read this, I’m crying so hard. My heart is breaking for you. I can relate in a way, but I lost my very best friend. That’s not even the right label because he was way more than that, but we weren’t physically intimate. 2 days after, my kids’ dad threw me and the kids out of our house because I was still crying. Also, my biggest fear is losing my sister who has been more like a mother to me. You just hit me on 3 different levels.
I don’t want to say I’m so sorry because I know those words sound empty. I understand there is nothing that can magically take the anguish away. All i can tell you is give yourself grace. Reminds yourself that grief isn’t a linear process. If you suddenly back-slide after some progress, be kind to yourself. On those days, I tell myself my grief is just my love for him with nowhere to go. So I do things like make his favorite meals, watch his favorite shows, eat his favorite candy, or i get a tattoo for him. Lol I now have 10 for him. (Out of 30+)
Yeah you need to get out of this abusive toxic relationship
OP, how old is your daughter? Is she old enough to have a conversation about what happened? I was 11 when my parents finally called it quits, and by that time I was just like “ get a divorce already”! If you have missing body parts, chances are she knows her mom is out of control. She might have even gotten the brunt of it when you’re not there. Grief is very complex, and you’ve had your share with the loss of your parents, now sister. Don’t be ashamed by said grief, feel ALL the feels. Maybe take a break from your wife, and send HER to counseling! So sorry for your loss😢
Leave. Get a divorce. It won’t be easy. Do it anyway. Talk to her through lawyers and uninvite her from the holidays
Brother, she is abusing you, but she’s going to drive your daughter to suicide at best. take her and run for your own good
I’m sorry for your loss. Your sister sounds like such a lovely soul.
You should leave your wife before she does more damage. She’s probably abusive to your daughter also. Please leave her for your daughter’s sake. She sounds dangerous.
this one feels like gpt baby!
First of all, my condolences for your loss. I wish that at least you can grieve and heal as any human being needs to do and cherish her memory with your daughter.
The other thing I wanted to say, is that your wife has been insensitive, disrespectful and a massive AH, saying something like that.
You didn’t cross a line, actually what you said is nothing compared with what she deserved.
Dear stranger, nobody deserves staying in an abusive relationship.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
She slaps you?
Brother you’re being abused. You need to have been gone way before this.
I lost my sister just over two years ago. I was a shell of a human that first year. I couldn’t function. I even took 8 months off from working because I couldn’t and it just didn’t matter.
I don’t know what I would have done with myself, my house, and my pets if it weren’t for my husband. He carried the full load of our lives and relationship that first year, and he did it without ever showing any signs of frustration. He listened to every story, held me often when I cried, and frankly gave me a reason to work through the toughest parts of grief. That’s what a spouse should do when you lose someone close to you.
OP, Losing a sibling is indescribable. (Trust me, I have tried.) It’s a 24/7 nightmare. It changed me. I am not the same person and there is a huge missing piece of me. It will always be missing. I am hurting for you because you lost your sister AND your wife is awful. You need her support more than ever and she is a f*cking monster for treating you this way. I am so sorry. Please reach out if you need anything. 💜
You need to leave man
Updatebot, updateme
OP you are not doing your daughter any favors by staying in a relationship with her abusive mother. Even if her abuse has not yet spread to your daughter, and it will, she is learning that the way your wife treats you is ok and normal. She will let her future partner treat her the same way because she won’t know any different. That kind of toxicity will also affect her self-esteem.
It does not matter how many times she apologizes afterwards. That is a normal part of an abuse of relationship. The true sign of being sorry is to not do it again. Her apologies at this point are just empty words. The toxicity in your household is not healthy for your daughter.
Your wife’s words or cruel and callous. I understand that you’re disappointed in yourself, but I truly believe you were pushed to the point of having a reaction you’re not fully in control of. You owe your wife no apologies. And I think you know what you need to do to protect your daughter from her.
You are in a deeply abusive relationship. You need to find the strength to leave. In the meantime, if she touches you again, you need to report her to the police. Your children are witnessing this behavior
The most masculine thing you can do is grieve openly for those you love. Keep telling your daughter stories of her Aunt, don’t let a bully silence you. I hope you find peace and safety for you and your daughter.
You may benefit from researching the terms “reactive abuse” and “grey rocking”
You and your daughter dont deserve this
That person you called your wife does not love you. Losing a loved one is hard enough, much more if it’s the person who raised you. You should leave for your and your daughter’s sake. What happened would happen again. You obviously don’t want to be that person.
OP, first of all: I am very sorry for your loss. Please feel hugged and seen and know, that this pain will be easier to bear, even if it doesn’t feel this way now.
I lost my mother and I it’s still hurting but it isn’t as devastating now, as it felt then.
second: you, your wife and perhaps your daughter, should do therapy.
You need grief counselling, both of you need couples therapy and your wife clearly has deep issues from her own past, even if she doesn’t know.
Regarding your daughter, please know it will not change the way she sees you. Such things can happen. Talk to her, explain it to her. She will understand.
I sincerely hope, it will get better for you all.
Time to go. You’ve seen her truth.
She is abusive. Just leave her. Especially if she is also abusing your daughter.
I am so sorry for your loss of your sister. Now is the time to get out of this marriage. Document all the abuse and leave now! Take the strength your sister has given you and walk away from your abusive wife. You are safer alone than around her, and your daughter will be better off, too. This internet stranger is sending hugs. You can do this.
You’ve been abused for so long that you’re also reactively abusive. It’s not good for your daughter, you or your spouse- it’s better to be out of a toxic relationship than to try to fix it. And honestly… there’s no fixing someone this manipulative, someone without empathy.
Your sister was your sister mom. No one can take that fact away from you. Grieving thoroughly, for someone that you love is truly manly. Grieve, so you can get better. Repressed emotions just come out in unhealthy ways. It’s NORMAL for humans to take time to grieve for those they lost. You’re allowed to take your time. You were sharing a story of how much your sister loved and sacrificed for you. Don’t let all her work be for someone else to break down. You’re special- your sister mom knew so. Let’s treat you like your sister would have wanted you to be treated. Let her be your guide again.
Feel your emotions, that’s how we process and regulate our nervous system. You loved fully, so grieve fully as well. Xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your daughter would be better off without your wife. Your daughter is witnessing this abuse and it will become her normal. Do you want her to choose a partner like your wife? Take your daughter and make a home for her, like your sister did for you.
OP – the loss you have felt is immeasurable and there is NO EXCUSE for your wife to have said what she did. It’s already been said, but I strongly encourage you to make plans NOW to leave her. Connect with a domestic violence victims support group – they will help you dot your i’s and cross your t’s on the process. YOU ARE NOT WEAK – you are HUMAN with human emotions and YOU DO NOT DESERVE HER ABUSE!! Period!!! You owe your daughter a life of peace and to show her that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE for a partner to treat their spouse this way! DV in the presence of children affects their brain development. You MUST protect her.
> She has always been both things at once violent and then apologetic.
Yeah, that’s how abusers usually work. For your daughter’s sake (if you can’t for yourself) leave. It’s better for her to have one safe home than none. I was ready to tell you she crossed a line with what she said but the abuse dwarfs that in terms of severity. The marriage is over, you’re just subjecting yourself and your child to abuse by staying in it.
You need to leave.
First of all I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine losing one of my siblings let alone one who raised me. But if you really want to protect your daughter I think you need to get her and yourself away from your wife. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I know it can be so incredibly hard to leave, especially right now when you’re feeling so down. It will be hard. But I think you know that the only way to protect your daughter, and for you to find happiness and freedom, is to leave. Good luck!
Your partner is supposed to support and comfort you, especially in times of grief. Based on what you t said in your post, your wife is abusive and manipulative.
Fuck her. My dad died 3 months ago. I literally watched him take his last breath. I remember when I got home we went out to dinner and I had a couple drinks. I don’t really drink much so I was way over my limit. When we got back to the house I couldn’t deal anymore and just fell apart. I can’t remember the last time I cried like that. My wife isn’t the greatest at knowing how to handle those situations, but she was right there for me, along with my daughter. I just needed to let it go.
I left someone who physically abused me when she was drunk. Best decision I ever made. Nobody deserves that.
It sounds like, “the straw that broke the camel’s back” moment.
Sometimes we overcomplicate things with kids, and at the same time, they understand more than we realize, and are stronger than we realize. Yes, she may be traumatized by seeing you snap.
A simple, “I’m so sorry that you heard, Daddy snap like that yesterday. What I said was not okay. I’ll never do anything to harm your mom or you. I did not mean to scare you. I’m just going through a hard time, but I’ll get through it….” goes a long way. This is reassurance. She needs reassurance.
Just break things up into steps. You can figure out what to do about your wife, but first, start with that.
Apology after an outburst isn’t bad if you actually mean it, and change your behavior. You are only human, and grieving!
However, what your wife does is different. You can’t compare yourself to her. She apologizes, emotionally manipulates, and continues the destructive behavior. She apologizes to pull you back in temporarily.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss 🫂
My sincere condolences for your loss of sister/mother. You really need counseling for grief which is worsened by living in a home without true spousal love.
YOU are ruining your daughter by subjecting her to this abuse from your wife and now you’re yelling in front of her. Children learn to navigate relationships from their parents. I hope you have collected some proof because you need to have sole custody.
Your daughter and you deserve better! It is time to walk away from your abuser.
Let your sister keep you safe one more time, and leave this marriage. Coparenting under separate roofs will give your child at least one healthy home.
Bot. 🤖 today this subreddit is flooded with them! Moderators take notice.
Gather up all your evidence. Find a good lawyer. Get you and your daughter the f*** away from that toxic cow
Im sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I felt your pain through your words.
You should leave and take your child. You dont want her raised in that environment .
…. you can over come this
your wife is a twat!
Your response to her is called reactive abuse. You and your daughter will be healthier and happier far, far away from her. What she said to you made me cry, for myself as a motherless child, and for the motherless child in you. May you find the strength to remove yourself from this marriage and attend counseling for yourself and your child.
I just want to say, grief has no time limit, no proper way to express it. That lack of empathy and the cruelty are good signs you need out of there. And I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in 2000 and I will never be “over it”.
Updateme
I’m sorry to read this. You need to leave for your own wellbeing, physical, mental and emotional but also not just for yourself but show your daughter what is healthy. You don’t want her to treat someone like the way your wife is treating you but also you don’t want her being treated like the way you have been treated. Would you let someone treat your daughter the way your wife has been treating you.
One thing is certain if you wish to keep your marriage: marital counselling!! You marriage is severely damaged and the understandable anger you showed at your wife’s indifference to your raw wound from having lost someone precious shows how bad things are. If your wife refuses to go with you for counselling the marriage is over. Stay close to your daughter; she needs you and you need her. She will forgive you. This question remains: can you forgive your wife??
Your wife is immature and unfortunately a narcissist and not to mention abusive. She seems incapable of empathy or self awareness when she is saying the most hurtful things to you. I know that right now your emotions are raw and you’re not thinking clearly but you need to consider leaving this situation. She has shown you who she really is many times before but this time was different and you know that. How awful for her to be so cruel during one of the worst times of your life. You need to move on and you deserve more than she can ever give.
Please look up the Reddit post of a man trying to leave his abusive wife and she ended killing the kids. Read his and updates then really sit and think how you want life for your daughter to look. Cause i see you won’t leave her for yourself but would you leave her to keep your daughter safe
Why are you with this person? I mean she is verbally and physically abusive who says that to someone whose loved one just passed away nobody in the right mind does that so she enjoys hurting you. And now you’re gaslighting yourself and blaming yourself for your reaction to her wicked ass commentary
You need to divorce. She is abusive and has no empathy.
Get into therapy and talk to a lawyer. Your daughter deserves to have a healthy father.
If you stay with your wife, you’ll pretty much guarantee that your daughter will learn to seek out and stay with an abusive partner. Is that what you want to teach her?
I’m so sorry for your loss, she was clearly so much more than just your sister!
You need to consult a layer with a view to divorce, and gaining full custody of your daughter. In time she’ll understand what you said last night. As she grows up and is old enough to understand explain how your wife injured you and why you left and took her with you.
Your daughter doesn’t need a mother like that, she needs your consistent gentle love. It sad it had happened, but take this experience forward as the wake up call that it is!
You’ve got this!
Leave your wife. If she isn’t abusive to your daughter, she will be. You absolutely cannot let your daughter be raised in a house where abuse and violence is normalized. She will grow up thinking hitting and shouting at her loved ones is okay. Don’t let that happen.
Recommend you give this a watch, might open your eyes and make you think slightly different. Hope everything works out for you, don’t be afraid to lean on your friends and family for support!
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p0700912/abused-by-my-girlfriend
Dude! This person doesn’t love you and you’re doing more damage to your daughter than you can possibly understand. Your daughter picks up on all of this. Start working on an exit plan and keep it to yourself. I’m afraid she will physically hurt you if she finds out.
Hug your daughter. Apologize to her and tell her how much you love her. You and your little one both need counseling. As for your hopefully STBXW….START SEPARATING NOW. She thinks it’s OK to verbal AND physically abuse you because she cries and apologizes right after. This is not just a cycle that will continue, it’s going to escalate. Protect yourself and your daughter before it gets worse.
OP, I’m not going to advise you on your marriage since so many people are already covering that here. I just want to say that your sister sounds like a most excellent mother. I’m so sorry she is gone. And also that this home situation is distracting you from your grief.
hey man, I might not reply because I have crippling anxiety about this type of shit, but please leave her and take your daughter.
One, I lost my dad really young. My uncle was my second father to me. I only got a day off from work and spent PTO to go to the funeral. I took like a day unpaid.
My FIL is an amazing father figure later
in life. When he passes (Hopefully not for a long time, he’s healthy both my husband and I will be devastated.
Anyway, my husband was in a situation very similar yours. He has scars all over from that fucking bitch. Broken bones, stab wounds, and other shit. And not just physical. You don’t deserve that. At all. And I am judging your reaction was most likely reactive abuse. Your mean words do not compare to permanent physical damage. And the mental toll for your child growing up in that environment thinking that love is cutting a chunk of your spouse’s finger off? You need to get her out man. I hope you get out. 💜
If not for your sake, for your daughter’s sake and for your sister’s memory, leave your wife
Two weeks after my sister died, my fiance told me to get over it, already. That was the moment everything ended
So sorry for your loss and about your wife not being empathetic and also abusive to you. Your sister sounds lovely 💗💐
You’re a victim of domestic violence. Please take an appointment with a lawyer asap.
Your wife is abusive and you need to leave her.
Babe, it’s time to leave this horrible woman