When I was a kid, my father SA’d me throughout middle school up to highschool when I finally told my mom. It broke something in me I don’t think will ever fully heal. My mom, thankfully, believed me, she stood by me, and she gave me a chance to start over. Something that really bothered me at the time was my own name because my father would say it a lot during the act. I ended up telling my mom and she had a solution. She told me she had wanted to give me a Japanese first name when I was born (she’s Japanese, my dad’s white American), but he refused. He said it would “make my life harder” in America. After everything came out, she asked if I wanted to take the name she had chosen for me, and I said yes.
I didn’t just change my first name, I also legally took her maiden name too. So my whole name is now different.
After my parents divorced, my mom and I moved to a cheaper town and I started at a new high school. That’s when the name change became real. No one there knew me by my old name, no one knew what had happened (the news blew up in my old town, which is also why we moved), and I finally got to just exist as myself.
I got a new birth certificate, a new identity, and in a way, a new life. No one in my life now knows my old name besides my mom, and my husband. It feels like I buried it with all the memories of him. But also sometimes it feels like I’m living a double life. I will be turning 37 years old tomorrow.
Lately I’ve been wondering if what I did was performative, and it’s been weighing on me. My husband says that it was a way to save myself and help me move on but in today’s climate I question it.
Just felt like letting strangers on the Internet know and gauging your guys reactions before I let others who are close in my life know about this.
Comments
Man, tbh, that’s one hell of a story. I say you did what you had to for your own mental health, ain’t nothing performative ’bout that. It’s brave and legit inspiring. Live your life, own your name, and don’t let the past hold you back. Never be ashamed or second guess survival, it’s your life, your rules, period.
I wouldn’t consider it a “double life” but more like a new one, after all that painful part of your life is over.
I admire your strength.
You know, in plenty of cultures around the world (at least a bu ch of indigenous cultures in North America), you get different names at different stages of your life. Isn’t that the same for you?
The worst outcome of this situation is that people from middle school won’t be able to find you on LinkedIn and recruit you into their cult or their pyramid scheme. Big whoop! You’re not cheating anyone. You don’t owe your past to them. You’re living with an identity that reflects your own resilience and desire to move on, as well as your mother’s love and support.
Maybe the awkwardness around your chosen name is simply the desire to share your story, because you’re ready now. Best of luck to you.
Nothing performative about it imo. You didnt even give it to yourself, your Japanese mother gave it to you. Theres plenty of people from other nationalities that adopt different cultures names for a plethora of reasons… and Id say you had a much better reason than most for adopting a new name.
Im friends with foreign students that adopt English names simply to make their lives easier while living in English speaking countries. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with you leaving behind the name that you associate with a world of pain.
I would think it as you assuming your true identity, and casting away your Father’s influence over you. You having a name fully from your Mom is beautiful, and I wonder if she thought of you as that name all along even when it was officially the one he picked.
It’s bittersweet, I mean your mom got to name you what she always wanted to. I’m sorry about the pain associated with your old name.
I mean you are your current name, a name is like clothing, it’s supposed to fit you, not the other way around.
This is not perfomative, you did it for yourself. You didn’t do it for attention or anything like that, you actively did it in parts to avoid attention (together with moving). Honestly it is a kind of poetic way to close off the past (although that doesn’t fully work) and start a new chapter. You didn’t do it to deceive and you didn’t deceive anyone. It is your name and your choice what to do with it.
Nothing wrong with something being performative. Humans are beings of ritual. A guy might work out to show off some muscle not for any particular purpose beyond getting to feel manly when he shows off, but just because that’s performative doesn’t mean he’s not manly. It is through performance that a whole lot of very valid things come into being
Formality, fashion, religious practices, cliques, styles, advertising, sarcasm and parody, humor, professionalism, art, and vast swaths of what we’d consider culture. In all honesty, the whole point of alcohol is to remove performative inhibitions and give you an excuse to stop performing the usual performances and maybe begin performing new ones
Nothing is wrong with performance. If you took away all the performative things of the world, it would look utterly alien. And this? Changing your name this way? This is a valid ritual. Did you know there are people who, upon adopting a child, will temporarily sow their clothes into a little tunnel and move the child through it to symbolize the child becoming one with them? That’s beautiful, in my honest opinion. The world is better for that ritual. And you are better for your change in name. For names are, culturally speaking, powerful things, and you are taking on a new one for a new era of your life. Embrace it, and tell your shame thanks for the attempted help, but to buzz off!
What’s performative about it? Honestly even if it was, who cares?? People have changed their name for less. Multiple people changed their name to get a deal on a shrimp buffet, some even changed it multiple times for more shrimp lol
Either way you changed it for a new you and a deeper connections with your mother, was the performance filial piety to your mother? If so good job!! You got a new name for a new you AND your mom got to let go of some regrets, so hey congratulations 🙂
when I moved to high school I shortened my first name to a version of what my siblings called me because there were 3 of us with that name in my class. it was as though I reinvented myself and was liberating. I’ve used that first name now for over 40 years and my husband sees me as that name and feels that it fits me. It’s not wrong. we all make changes to how people see us in order to align that with what is truely inside
I know a third grader who survived horrific abuse and neglect. When he was adopted by his parents in first grade, the first thing they did was help him pick a new name. He loves his new name, he still associates his trauma with the old one.
You did good. You’re a survivor.
You did right thing.
You dont need your fathers evil actions decide your life or how people see you.
You took your own identity and name, you chose to live your life the way you want.
Dont let it go.
I’m a survivor of child sex trafficking, and I also changed my full legal name for this exact reason: It was just too tied to my trauma. I couldn’t heal as the person they destroyed, so I rebuilt myself into someone who can.
You’re incredibly strong, and I admire how you faced your fears. I’m really glad you shared this with us and, most importantly, with your mom. Your mom sounds amazing – she’s by your side and does so much for you.
To me, this isn’t a “double life.” It’s gently separating your past self from who you are now. And that’s absolutely okay.
If you choose to share your story with the people closest to you, it might make things feel lighter, and you’ll see even more clearly that the right people are around you.
And yes, there are people who won’t understand. You don’t have to keep them close. You’re a wonderful and very strong woman. You’ll be okay, you’ll get through the hard parts, and you’ll learn to see this as a story from your past, not baggage you have to carry forever. None of this was your fault, and sadly it’s part of your experience – but you came out of it as a survivor, even though it’s painfully hard, harder than I can imagine. I’m proud of you.
I also sort of changed my name in high school for the same reason. In my case I always went by a nickname and most didnt know my real first name, so in high school O jjst used my real first name. I didn’t move or have supportive parents, though, so some people still knew everything. It was definitely one of the most healing things I did.
If it helped you heal at any point in your life, it’s not performative. Names hold a lot of meaning and I think people sometimes forget that.
How would you react if this story were someone else’s? If they changed their name after a traumatic event? Would you call them weak and belittle them, or would you hug them and say their feelings are valid? Based on the person you come across as being in this post, I think it’d be the latter. If you wouldn’t that that way of someone else, why think that way of yourself?
If you’d like, I know Facebook allows you to link up alternative names you’ve been known as. Maybe you could do that if it would help you?
Have you ever talked with a therapist about this before? A lot of insurance companies cover the first few visits or have you pay a small copay so that may be worth looking into.
People go by nicknames and alternative names all the time. There’s nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t feel wrong for choosing to live a more peaceful life.
In my family we have three generations of people with chosen names. Regardless of why, changing your name can have a really big impact on your identity and feeling like your own person.
I like to look to the past; there are a lot of traditions involving receiving a new name as part of a coming of age ceremony or having a name only your family calls you. In the scheme of things changing your name is not such a big deal.
Sounds like you did what you needed to do to help you move on. Sexual abuse is one of, if not the worst thing an adult can do to a child. It can destroy the child’s life in so many ways. I’m so glad your mom believed you and gave you a path to move away from any identity with your father. I’m also really hoping he went to prison where he belongs. I hope you are in a better place now but from personal experience, I know that things from the past have a way of creeping up in adulthood. If you are struggling, I hope you get some qualified help from someone experienced in that kind of trauma.
Not performative. Why should you be forced to keep a name that was causing pain for you? Why not have the name your mother originally wanted to give you? I think that’s beautiful.
I always think that when teenagers are having a hard time and their life is terrible, parents should move heaven and earth to get them a new life. When my kids were teenagers, I had told them don’t suffer in silence, if everything needs to change, we can move to the other side of the planet if you need it. And your mom did that for you. That’s amazing. And a new name re-Christened for your new life.
I’m proud of you and I’m so happy you had a supportive mom
I don’t see it as performative. I also went through abuse as a kid and asked people to call me by my actual legal name in my 20s and it did give me a new identity in a sense. I was told the same thing growing up that my life would be harder in America if I don’t use that name chosen at random for me when I first came here, but it hasn’t.
I didn’t have to switch my name or anything legally though so it hasn’t been that hard to change it.
The world is a theater and we are all but actors on it. -William Shakespeare
Embrace your name, and feel free to call your old name your dead name or temporary name, and treat it as such.
Its natural to change one’s own name. Avoiding pain is the natural order, and that name hurt you.
Let’s say it was performative. Like the worst kind. So what? It’s your name, your choice, your life, you’re an adult. Who cares? Fuhgetabouttit!
Performative is the wrong word.
Look up “de-realization.” It’s a feeling that your life isn’t real, or that what you’re experiencing is more like a movie than a real life.
Derealization is common to experience after the death of somebody close to you, or in survivors of child abuse, or when experiencing a big change in life like retirement or immigration. It’s something the mind does to deal with stress, loss, suffering, or change.
Your mind is taking care of your sanity by spoon-feeding you small doses of reality until it feels safe to relax and immerse fully in reality. There’s nothing wrong with you, just with the journey you’ve been on.
I changed my entire legal name in my 30s after leaving an abusive marriage. Just did a full reset. My first name is now my nickname. My last name is now a significant animal in my dad’s culture but written in my mom’s culture’s language.
My name change could be seen as performative as it’s all made up. If you don’t know the history or know me well, it would seem performative.
Your name was given to you by your mother. Not performative at all. It sounds like it was meant to be your true name. Let it give you confidence to be your true self.
I LOVE that you took control of your life like that! You chose the name that reflected what you wanted (to be more identified with your mother than your gross “father”) and got to define yourself in a new city. That’s amazing!
Some of us struggle to motivate ourselves, and we use a technique very similar to what you did. We take on the identity of someone who does the thing we want to do.
For example, if I wanted to become a rock climber, I have to think of myself as one. That makes it easier to get up early and work out, eat specific foods, tolerate painful workouts and sweaty hikes, etc. The new identity fuels new habits.
You did the same thing unintentionally, and it’s so cool!
Your father took so much from you, but what your mom gave you can outweigh what was stolen- if you let it. Your mom gave you a name she cherished for years and longed to call you day in and day out. She believed you. She gave you a fresh start. She gave you a path to forge a new, healthier identity.
Any time you get called by your new name, it’s a reminder that you get to choose who you are and who has the privilege of being in your life. There’s nothing performative about moving on, getting a fresh start, and cutting ties with everything associated with your dad. He lost the privilege of staying in your life or having your identity tied to him anymore.
You having the name your mom cherished does your mom’s heart some good as well. You were brave enough to speak up, move, and make new friends. You could have accepted what life was, but you didn’t. You and your mom took your power back. She must be proud of you and happy to see what your life has become.
You simply outgrew your old name and everything attached to it. It’s his loss, but your mom’s and husband’s gain.
Congratulations on taking back your own power! I’m so sorry you went through that but I’m so glad your mum had your back.
I also changed my entire name after escaping a childhood of physical, mental and verbal abuse – decided that none of them deserved to be considered family and I wanted nothing they’d given me, including my name.
I now celebrate my name change date as my second birthday and I highly encourage you to do that.
Conversely, my dead name is used by an actor playing one of my favourite characters in a current show on tv and it makes my cold dead heart sing when I see him
Life comes in phases. You felt it was time for that phase of your life to end and another to begin.
I’m certain you’ve had other phases. Are you living a double life because you aren’t goth anymore? Aren’t as into whatever show you liked in highschool? Change and growth is what makes us human.
You did the one thing people in that situation wish for desperately, and that’s to reclaim autonomy.
symbolic yes, performative no.
Fellow half Japanese kid here. I have a Japanese first name and rock it
I actually feel like it was a moment parallel to that of a phoenix. You burned away at the negative scars and emotions and became a new person.
You started a fresh new chapter with this name and it allowed you to become who you were meant to be. I don’t think there’s anything performative about it at all. I think it was a declaration of your resolve and it’s wonderful.
>Lately I’ve been wondering if what I did was performative
My dear, you explained how beautiful that one small change was for you and you ask if it is performative? Never, it was NEEDED not performative. I am happy you were able to reclaim you as a person.
My uncles wife is Japanwae/American and they gave their daughters Japanese middle names. When she went off to college, the younger one ditched her American name and started using her beautiful Japanese name instead. She just wanted to get in touch with her Asian heritage.
Your name should be whatever you choose. No wrong answer. You weren’t being performative, you were doing what was needed to move on.
You are using your real, true name. Your mom had the Japanese name picked out, probably with some sentiments behind it, and your abuser denied it with a weak excuse. The dead name was never who you were meant to be. Never think what you did was wrong or performative it was necessary to start the healing process. Hugs.
In Ursula K. Le Guin’s A Wizard of Earthsea, names are carry immense power, as knowing a thing’s “true name” grants control over it.
By changing your name, you removed your abuser’s power over you. If that isn’t a reclamation of self, I don’t not what is. It’s not performative. It’s powerful.
I think something’s only performative when it doesn’t actually do anything. Performative activism is changing your pfp in response to a tragedy and doing just that.
If changing your name helped you, even just a bit, then it wasn’t performative. It did something.
you did something that helped you heal at the time. i think you made the correct choice!
You reinvented yourself. That was a really positive change you needed to move on in a healthy way. You did not pose as someone else, either. I’d say you grew into your new name. Plus, the name was chosen by your mother. She gave you a name she loved. It sounds like she really loves you and was there for you during this horrible time in your life. Those are wins to me.
P.S. You don’t have to share your past with others. It’s okay to use discretion. But if you share it , choose to share it in a way to inspire and not out of a guilty feeling.
It can’t be deemed performative because who were you performing for? Yourself? That’s called self-care. You did the right thing. As someone who is also a victim of CSA, I can’t say the thought never crossed my mind as well.
Kudos to you for doing everything to take back your power. This internet stranger is proud of you.
I have considered the same thing for myself for the same reasoning, but for me, it would be too much trouble at 33. I think you made an amazing decision at the perfect time, and as long as it feels like you, that’s all that matters. I am happy you got such a thorough fresh start, and I hope you feel safe now <3