I 18F feel really alone and insecure. I haven’t cut myself in like 2 years but the scars are really noticeable. Ive only had a few relationships since having scars.
I had an experience like 6 months ago that made me even more insecure and embarrassed and sure I can never have that. Me and this guy went on a few dates. We weren’t officially in a relationship yet or anything. Went on another date and it was going so well. Before he took me home after the date he asked if I wanted to hookup in his car.
I said yes when we started tho he saw my self harm scars obviously. He told me to get off of him so I did. I asked what’s wrong he said I was being deceptive by not telling him about my scars and that obviously he wouldn’t want to fuck me if he knew what he’s getting himself into.
I apologised and put my clothes back on. He told me to get my parents or my friends or a taxi to pick me up because he doesn’t feel safe with me in his car anymore now he knows I’m nut job.
He did end up apologising for calling me a nut job before blocking me.
I haven’t had sex since. Or been on a date with anyone. Ive been flirting with someone but im scared of actually going ahead with it because I feel like I’m too fucked up. And I have lots of trauma too which I guess makes me feel even less lovable. The guy is a 10/10 in my books and I feel like I’m not able to live up to that.
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My girlfriend has many deep scars all over her legs, and it has never bothered me in the slightest. I’m sorry the guy was acting like he did, you don’t deserve such treatment. There will be some people who are offput by the scars, a few who will fetishize them, but most guys will look past them and love you for who you are.
Loving and caring relationships cure trauma, make sure you are in one.
You might think this but someone else won’t. You need to heal mentally
i say this with all the compassion in the world — i literally don’t think i could have imagined a worse, more fucked up response from a guy than what you wrote happened 6 months ago. that person is a disgusting excuse for a man and nobody deserves to be told those things.
your sh scars are part of you now — just focus on healing, and turning your 2 years into 5 and 10 and forever. you’ll find someone who cares about you for you before you know it.
There are people who will accept you as you are; who ever does not, can be avoided.
2 years without cutting yourself is an accomplishment and is an indication of significant self-improvement. It’s also a sign of inner strength, a strength you hopefully have recognised. That strength can be utilized for other accomplishments, so please do your best to keep moving forward.
Trust me, this says A LOT more about him than it says about you. Anyone who is genuinely interested or has romantic feelings for you is never going to reject you because of those scars.
He didn’t dodge a bullet, you did.
That man is a straight up vile. When I see self harm scars my immediate reaction is empathy and love. In fact, many people out there are like this and will respond with love and compassion. You’re very young so it might not feel like it right now but I promise you there are sooo many people who do not care about scars—they care about your story and the fact that you overcame challenges
Ive been married to my husband for over 2 years now and I have long, deep scars all over from self harm and past abuse I suffered.
Someone will love you regardless. They wont even notice the scars on you. They will just be looking at you.
Dont settle for anyone who treats you like youre less because of them.
Tu no hiciste nada malo el tipo si. Que respuesta tan poco empática y caballerosa se le ocurrió, no se me ocurre una peor aunque quisiera.
Se que esto te lastimo y que desde antes tenías otras cosas por resolver pero te aseguro que en esta historia tu no obrastes mal y no te preocupes eres joven, podrás conseguir alguien que te quiera con tus cicatrices y que no les importe o te haga sentir peor que te haga sentir amada y deseada.
Suerte y éxitos, espero si vuelves a publicar algo por aquí en Reddit sea algo más ameno.
Hey don’t worry about that we all have scars that will be seen sooner or later. Someone who loves you or wants you will want you whether you have scars, one eye, or no legs. Don’t let them stop you from living
This made me tear up. I am so very sorry you had this experience.
I just want you to know that I (29F) have been struggling with self-harm since I was 11 years old. The tops of my thighs especially are covered in really deep, thick scars that have only just faded to white about 5 years ago. The ones on my wrists are covered with tattoos mainly. The guys i have been with have never minded or said anything, even when they were still dark and very raised. The ones I have engaged in a romantic relationship with have always been very supportive and caring surrounding this topic or just haven’t brought it up unless i did.
I promise you that this guy was just an absolute ass hole and probably has the emotional bandwidth of a soggy sock. It sounds more like you dodged a bullet engaging in any sort of sexual or romantic act with him.
You are so deserving of love and sex, and 99% of people won’t react this way. If they do, don’t you apologise for what you used to cope and stay alive. You’re here. You survived whatever it is that you did in the only way you could. If someone doesn’t understand that or you, then there’s no need to pursue any sort of relationship with them.
I’m sending so many virtual hugs. 💖
My wife struggled with borderline, bipolar, and an eating disorder when she was a young woman. She has many keloid scars. They have diminished and healed with time, but she has put in a lot of work to overcome and cope with her issues in the decades I have known her. She had real concerns that her scars made her unattractive, but that was clearly proven false. Her self image has improved with her mental health and coping strategies and the fact we have an amazing love life. Her scars were never a problem for me, but she learned early that I was the type of person she was meant to be with because of that very fact. She wasn’t really able to hide her scars though (she has them on her arms and thighs) so I knew of them from the beginning. Don’t invest your thoughts into dismissable people and thus guy is not a 10, objectively perfect people do not exist (throw out your books). You will find someone that is perfect for you, if you make good choices and learn to realistically evaluate people and find real value in the relationships you build with them.
First and foremost the guy that rejected you regarding your self harm scars is an awful person for how handled the situation and tells you a lot about him, not about you.
Secondly, this is not how most people will react to them, to give you my 100% honest and straight opinions on how I believe I would be my reactions if discovering your scars during making out or foreplay:
Ultimately only if you were aggressive about things would I break things off, otherwise it would be conversations, comforting and seeing if I felt you were in a state that is good for a relationship (don’t like one night stands) and if you are great, lets have a relationship!
With regards to your new beau, I would recommend broaching the topic before sex, at least form my perspective sex shouldn’t be your goal, a good relationship and sex should be. If he bails when you talk about the scars or self harm, then he isn’t a good partner for you. A lot of people get hung up about not getting a specific person, especially when young and it can be hurt to be rejected, but if they don’t want you when you are being honest about your present and future self, then you will have to maintain that lie for the rest of your life (which is an awful life and normally leads to thing breaking up anyway).
Here are some examples, if someone only wants you as a partner for your looks, when they inevitably fade, they will move on, if you pretend to be super sporty but honestly don’t like it and attract someone who loves being super active/sport, as soon as you stop being sporty because of stress or give up, etc, the relationship will often die.
What I am trying to get at is, that if someone rejects because of your scars/history they aren’t the right fit for you, but I can say without concern is that there will be people out there who will love you scars and all, though do be wary of those who completely ignore your scars from the get go because they may not care about at all.
one bad apple doesn’t spoil the whole bunch. this guy was an asshole and i’m so sorry he was so cruel about your scars. you are not being deceptive, you are not a nut job, and this guy is being an extremely harsh and judgemental prick. my partner loves me, scars and all – they do not define you as a person, they simply show that you have made it past some of your greatest challenges. sending you every ounce of love and every reminder that you are beautiful and worthy of love!! don’t let this one shitty interaction prevent you from exploring and dating. they’re a part of you – and that’s not a bad thing. sincerely, all of the love from someone who used to be in the same boat🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Him being a dick isn’t your fault and has nothing to do with your scars. He would’ve found something else to belittle you over. That’s all on him.
He was a bit rude about it but it sounds to me like he doesn’t wanna date someone with baggage. For all he knew, he saw them scars and probably that you’re a bit unstable and he doesn’t wanna stick his dick in crazy so yeah. He was probably a bit startled, especially as you hadn’t mentioned it to him
Next time just be upfront about it, let people make a decision before you’re already in the act
This guy you met isn’t a representation of how all guys deal with it. He was an asshole about it. See it this way: The trash took out itself. He showed his real being before you got too involved with him.
That being said: I have the same scars, because I automutilated for 5 years or so during my teenage years (I was in a very bad place with my head). I kicked the habit a long long time ago, but the scars will always be somewhat visible. They don’t bother me anymore at this point.
When I got together with my now-husband I told and showed him and he wasn’t acting freaked out about it. We’re married now, second baby can be born any moment now and he’s never ever expressed any discomfort with these scars. They’re invisible to both of us at this point. We don’t pay any attention to it.
What I’m trying to say: There’s someone out there for you who will see through them. He won’t see you for your scars, but for the person you’ve grown to be. Be patient and let go of the experience with the narrow-minded POS. He’s not a representation of how all men deal with this topic.
And I’m proud you kicked the habit for 2 years ❤️
My last partner had self harm scars. never once bothered me. that guy sounds like an asshole. don’t let him mess with your head. you can find love and they wont care.
I have self harm scars and they are noticeable as well……you do not owe anyone an explanation about you’re scars and you are not a nut job you are someone who survived a dark time in you’re life and honestly screw that guy you’re gonna find someone who will love you for you and will love all of you and those scars won’t matter
I’m sure you’ll find a man who will love you for who you are. Next time take the time to explain yourself what you went through before taking your clothes off. Good luck
Okay so let’s get to it, no, you aren’t too fucked up to have a romantic or real sex life, the way this guy reacted was just incredible douchy.
Although he was in fact a douchy, I know it doesn’t exactly make it easier to look at yourself and just say “hey, it’s alright, he was a dick, I’m completely fine”, I mean, I have some pretty badd insecurities about my body for much less so I will give you an advice
This new guy you met, the 10/10, how he treats you? Is he supportive, caring and most importantly comprehensive with your fears? If the answer is yes, I would highly suggest you to talk about it with him.
I’m not saying to you that you should tell this history with the other guy but reach to him like “Hey, before we continue, can we talk about something I feel insecure?”
It’s not a easy conversation, probably I would list as one of the hardests to be honest, but would surely be a good way to go around since even if he did say he’s not okay with it, will be less traumatic then this other guy. Don’t get it wrong, I’m not saying that what this douchy did is okay, but people surprise me everyday so just a way to get with it the most directly way possible, if it makes sense to you
Ps: For me the scars won’t be more than a concern if you are alright now, if they are just scars and part of your history, that’s completely fine, and if they still mean something more than a concern for your stetics them I would like to work by your side, but that’s for me, I know some people, and they are few, that can have a trigger on this. Isn’t that they would reject you because of it, is just that would be a bit more shocking to them.
When talking about it as a trigger, I still can see, and saw it happens close to me, it working perfectly fine, it just become a two way road, you getting confidence about yourself and your scars being completely fine and your partner understanding that you aren’t whoever caused this trigger
English is not my first language, I’m a native Portuguese speecher so sorry if something is wrong, my cousin for a long time has had the same fear you have so I wanted to put something to it. Stay safe out there, I feel genuinely happy that your last scar is from two years ago, cheers for you
Good morning, good afternoon and good night
My arms are covered in them and my boyfriend doesnt care at all. When he found out he was sad i had to experience bad things in my life but never felt scared or disgusted. Thats weird this guy is NOT a 10/10.
Try having a face of acne
Judging by how frequently you post despite how young your account is—I’d strongly suggest you talk to a therapist.
It seems you have a lot of unresolved trauma that Reddit won’t be able to help.
Unfortunately men and women can both be awful.
It’s about finding someone that understands that we all go through stuff and understands that we are all different and respects and appreciates you.
Although likely no way near as bad as you make yours sound I have marks on my wrist which stand out badly if I’m not wearing a watch. Have had people say awful things and some being really supportive
as someone who has self harmed for over 15 years, i’ve never had this experience with someone whether we were casually hooking up or dating. so first and foremost i’m so sorry that person made you feel so insecure and unlovable.
all i can offer is my experience, which is one where i don’t actively hide my scars. they cover my right wrist, upper arm, ankles and thighs. i just accepted that they are a part of me and i don’t want to be uncomfortable for the rest of my life to hide that part of me.
my husband nor my ex’s never had this reaction but i have had negative experiences with rude people in general over my self harming.
i would suggest seeking a therapist because just the mention of self harming lets me know you have some trauma in your heart that needs to be processed.
That guy was the nutjob. My bf has very noticable scars on his arm and itd never make me reconsider our relationship. Its so not on my mind at all. I love him. That guy was fucking horrible and you didnt deserve that.
Cuts heal, scars fade, these are facts. Much like the fact that you will find someone who knows that a scar tells a story of an old you. You are much more than your past, whether it’s mental, physical, or sexual. Your journey is one that has made you who you are today. That guy sounds like someone hung up on societal norms and standards. He probably asks women for a body count.
I’m sorry you experienced this op.
What that thing said to you is horrible. I’ve dated people who were currently self-harming and it was so hard to watch it happen and feel helpless (was all of 16 at the time).
You will find someone you connect with that accepts you, dont give up.
That guy was a jerk, simple as that. Don’t worry. Once you find a decent person, you’ll be fine, because they won’t care about your scars. Or rather, they will care – but in the sense that they’ll have empathy, and would want to make sure you’re okay now.
My wife has many self harm scars on her arms and legs, i found the best love i could ever hope for with her. The hollow boy you tried to hook up with is more empty inside than you ever will be. We have a framed poster in our house that reads “I see your scars and i still think you are the most beautiful person in the world.”
There is nothing wrong with you, shallow people are the reason society has these problems in the first place. Dont forget you are here to live, not suffer.
Edit: didnt feel like i put enough, so here we go:
We’ve been together for almost 10 years and have a handsome baby boy, she is an amazing mother to him and we both have a vow that he will never go through what we went through as kids (i wont reveal her trauma, but mine was an abusive narcissistic father)
We put our heart and soul into raising him and I’m not sure where i’d be without her.
My point in adding this is to remind you that those scars are a part of your history, but what put them there doesn’t need to be a part of your future. Healing physically and emotionally is a part of growing up. As long as we have been together, i never once thought the scars make her undesirable, she lived through some things I’m not sure i would have.
You have two choices:
Get sleeve tattoos.
Or own it.
I fell in love with a girl who had cutting scars, it didn’t change how I felt.
Sounds like a really ignorant guy, you don’t need to disclose that sort of thing unless you really want to and feel comfortable with them
Hey you are really young and ran into another really young person who acted like a child with zero life experience. That doesn’t define the rest of your life.
My sister has really apparent self harm scars on her forearms and wrists. She is a doctor with a loving partner and a baby.
The way he acted says more about him and his character than it does about you or the thoughts from other people on self harm.
I’m sorry you talked to a jerk, unfortunately it won’t be the only one and the next one could be fine with your scars and a jerk in another way. End of the day they’re just jerks and if you’re a good person that’s all that matters. You’ll find other good people.
Don’t ever be ashamed for having a past. Your present and future self is what you should focus on. It’s easy to fall in those negative thought patterns but just remember how you have grown.
If you start thinking in shame and you notice that you’re doing it stop and take a breath and tell yourself something positive you’ve done and feel proud that it has been so long since you let things affect you to that degree.
Sitting next to my girlfriend who has SH scars on her legs and arms right now. Hasn’t made me react the way Mr. Douchebag did towards you. He was simply an idiot to say it mildly.
You will find someone who wont care/mind it. Dont worry
Dont worry about it those are just battle scars
I’ve had long term relationships with three women who had scars. You found a fucking asshole, that’s not the norm.
I have a whole lot of very noticeable self harm scars and my husband doesn’t care, neither have any of the more or less casual sex partners I had before him.
That’s a him problem, not a you problem.
You’ll find the right person. My wife has scars, and they will never change how much I love her
Wow that guy was absolute garbage. I have scars covering my arms and legs and people have noticed and/or asked but it’s never a big deal. I honestly don’t think about them much. I’m sorry that pathetic little boy made you feel so horrible about them, life would’ve taken him out if he had to endure what we did. Please don’t let this ruin your confidence
Someone out there, one day, will love you in all your damaged glory
By no means am I qualified but OP we all carry scars, some deep, some superficial some noticeable and some hidden. You are on a path of healing and you should own own it. Youre moving on to bigger and better things. We are not defined by our past, and fuck anyone who gets in your way of healing. You will find someone who wants to join you on your journey.