(TW: SA)
It began in childhood with physical and verbal abuse from my parents, coupled with bullying at school. This constant negativity, combined with parental neglect, made me vulnerable to repeated grooming and CSA, first by a teenage friend, then by adults, and later online by an 18 year old when I was 13. She called me a w-slur in any argument, just to remind me that I was worthless because of what happened. When i didn’t want to send her pics, she was saying I should be grateful for her “love”, since Im used.
Therapy didn’t help much but meds help to numb my feelings. The abuse at home lessened, and things improved around age 15. However, I was the same vulnerable kid and at 16 I got in a grooming relationship with 23 year old. This four year “relationship” became my first real love experience.
Last time we met I was 19 and she was 27. I couldn’t bring myself to touch her, I couldn’t sleep in the same bed. I slept poorly and not much than 3 hours a day. I couldn’t understand why, but It’s like my body knew something was wrong. She wanted affection and still didn’t understand “no” even when I kept saying she’s forcing me.
After that, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened in these years. I trusted her with everything, I couldn’t believe i wasn’t imagining it. I felt like Im going insane.
Finally, I cut her off. Only then I found out about cheating and lies. From the very beginning, she was laughing at my naivety behind my back, calling me a child and sharing all intimate details with her friends, while they were joking about using my “services” too. I was 16, it was my first time and I didn’t even want to have sex with her, I kept saying no but she said I don’t love her and cried until I agreed. And I knew these friends when i was even younger. And she even met my family..
I just feel so betrayed
Processing everything is difficult. I feel stupid for not understanding it earlier but I just wanted to feel cared for once. Ive never really been loved so how was I supposed to know? Still, now Im 20 and it will be the first year when Im completely free from any kind of abuse..
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You’re recognizing where your trauma came from and how it led to more trauma. It will take time to process and get past it. Therapy is a very helpful part of the processing.
Take it a day at a time, you’ll figure it out.