We’ve been dating for 5 years, married for 2 years. Things were a lot better before marriage. We moved it together right after the wedding, it was amazing for a few months, then it became really really difficult. I love this woman, I’m very caring, loving, responsible, respectful, presentable, and I care for what she cares for. I listen to her, understand her, visit her family all the time, have a good relationship with her friends and family, I care for her needs, I’m emotionally supportive, I buy flowers, I’m there for her whenever she has a problem, I cook, wash dishes, throw trash, vacuum, play mysic and try to initiate dancing with her, and I think I’m overall a very very good husband. She has needs that started showing after marriage that I’m very willing to provide. My main problem is not what she needs, but how she expresses her needs. She cannot tell me she misses me because to her that makes her weak. Instead, when she misses me, she fights and argues with me about being late at work, or taking too long in the bathroom or not being present at home, when I literally fully am. If she wants us to eat outside for a change, she wont ask me to take her out, she’d tell me ‘you never take me out on dates like we used to before marriage’. My typical reply would be, ‘i also really miss the freshness of things before marriage, let’s go out’. It doe’s hurt me a little nice that I say ‘I also miss’ even though she doesnt initiate the ‘I miss’. I realized I have four needs.
One, when she has needs, I want her to express and not fight. I’m smart enough to understand and emotionally intelligent and caring enough to be supportive.
Two, if she wants me to be included in her family’s or friends’ plans, she should also include me in the planning and not tell me after decisions are made.
Three, I want her to know that my needs, do not put her needs in danger; both needs and coexist. Whenever I want to plan something with my family or my friends, she says her phrase ‘You dont love me anymore’. She doesnt want to spend time with my family, get to know my friends, or atleast let me be with them. I love her and dont want her to be sad so I just let go, but it eats me from the inside and i stay quiet.
Four, even though I know I’m very patient, very understanding, very considerate, I’m still incapable of tolerating disrespect. I can be there for you, but I won’t disrespect myself.
How do I tell her my needs, without her feeling attacked, and without this turning into a bigger problem than what is in my head? Because I’m really really really tired of living as a small part of her life, instead of a big part of mine, and it hurts that I still love her.
TL;DR
I still love my wife, I always put her needs first, she doesn’t and we fight a lot but idk how to tell her about my needs without it turning into another fight.
Comments
If she is willing to accept she is part of the problem and she is willing to change, couples therapy will help with this. This is the classic “we’re communicating, but in ways that hurt” issue that couples therapy is perfect for.
However, if she doesn’t see this as a problem, or if she sees this as something YOU need to fix, your options are basically nil. If she’s happy with this, there’s nothing you can say that will both tell her she needs to change AND not upset her.
Try to understand her perspective too. The way you’ve written this is very one sided. It may be correct, but it sounds like you aren’t understanding each others’ perspectives. These conversations can be difficult and require practice. You could look up some DBT skills about having difficult conversations, or just try what works best for you 2.
My ex (32m) and I (33f) used to fight in the beginning of our relationship. We were together a total of 6 years. We knew we needed individual therapy and never pursued it until we broke up. Get into therapy now both of you. This can help understand the root cause of coping issues and then after you have some sessions under your belt I’d individually belt then do some couples sessions.
My ex was servile like you but sometimes had to be pushed to do the romantic things I desired. I was very practically servile but sometimes lacked whimsy and spontaneity. Our downfall was an affair that he had but had we been in therapy individually I know it would’ve helped us tremendously. I’m still in love with him until this day and I know he still l loves me.
If we were to get back together today we’d be better off for the work we’ve done on ourselves that we put off for so long. Rooting for you OP
A conversation needs to be had. Make a plan, give her notice, schedule it when you’re both free and not in a heated argument.
Your perception is you do everything perfectly but the reality suggests that not the case. Perfect to you isn’t being seen, heard or valued by her. The good news is there are likely things you’re doing for her that she doesn’t really care about. And it seems there are things she is in need of that you aren’t doing. You seem to feel the same.
Regular relationship check ins are good because needs change as life moves on. And the spirit of the conversation is how can we work together to be the best for one another. Not me versus you needing/wanting different things. If you’re unable to facilitate on your own seek a counselor/therapist.