First, for context, I’ve had dreams in which my father either dies or has died since childhood. Not all the time, but definitely a good number over the years (I’m 32 now, and both parents are 74). A couple years ago my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. That’s certainly exacerbated the fear but it was there before I knew he had a degenerative condition.
Like I said, I’m not really close to either of my parents, although they definitely did their best, there’s some emotional immaturity that makes it hard to get truly close (aka emotionally safe) with them.
I’m torn between continuing to keep them at a distance for my own mental wellbeing, and trying (again) to forge a bond that’s meaningful and feels secure. I’m worried if I don’t, I’ll regret it, and if I do, it’ll make the pain of however that pans out + their eventual passing even more painful. I feel terrified that I will collapse when the day(s) come. I’m looking for advice – suggestions on how to connect with them safely OR just how to navigate my own complex feelings about it.
EDIT: I figured some additional context might be helpful for advice-givers. I grew up in a high-control, staunchly religious environment. I was homeschooled, which came with a few positives and a good number of negatives (that would require a whole essay to break down). These days, I still have to omit huge parts of my life when talking to them. It’s extremely surface level, even though I know there is unspoken care there too. It’s really hard to navigate and makes for a lot of gray area. It’s also walking on eggshells to have a real conversation without an emotional blow up that leads to gaslighting or dismissiveness. So again, keep it surface level, never be real about anything that would make them defensive. Odd as it sounds, there are enough positive memories and moments of care that I don’t feel completely able to detach. Not enough for this fear not to come up, at least. I don’t know how to move forward.