Hi everyone,
First time poster here and recent lurker. I never thought I would end up posting on a page like this because I really thought my MIL was great
That is… until I had a baby. All of a sudden it’s unsolicited advice and passive aggressive remarks. I don’t even know where to begin. It has been building up over time. My husband had addressed issues, but they keep popping up again. Unsolicited remarks about how it was done back in her day to which we have to debunk. Comments about not letting my child live in a bubble, how germ exposure is good, etc etc. it also doesn’t help that we are neighbors. I think she is having difficulty transitioning from a mother to a grandmother.
Recently was my last straw. My MIL took my screaming/crying baby from my arms at a family party. This child is 4 months old. Prior to this she kept gesturing to me (rudely) to give her the baby (not asking). I was very flustered because a million things happened at once and next thing I know, she snatched the baby. I could not believe it. I always thought in these moments, I would have a backbone. Instead, I froze. I felt like I couldn’t even speak. She then started parading my child around as if she was the baby whisperer. Mind you my mom is the one who is always helping me. This was very performative. Rage I am not proud of came over me. I internalized it because I felt like I was going to explode. Since this incident, I have not allowed my MIL to watch my child.
My husband plans on speaking with her again, but I would like some advice. I am typically not afraid to have confrontation, but I feel very awkward when it comes to my husbands family. His mother is also passive aggressive, and so that makes things difficult as well. I want to have phrases in my back pocket to prevent unsolicited advice and baby grabbing. As much as I still feel rage and am not sure when or if I will get over it, I want my child to have his grandparents in his life.
Any advice? Much appreciated.
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Just remember next time to speak up. It’s ok. You are going to have to deal with her for a long time. I don’t even know if I would send my husband in on this one. Just restrict her time and touching of your child. She will get the picture. Just train her by giving consequences every time she oversteps. She will figure it out soon enough and won’t be able to blame you and play victim.
Update us. Good luck!!
Don’t think of it as your husband’s family. Think about it as confronting people who interfere with your child and your parenting.
“We’re figuring out how we want to do things.”
“We know a lot of people have opinions based on how they did things, but we’re figuring out what works for us. We’ll let you know if we need advice.”
“I don’t need you to gesture to give you my crying baby and I don’t ever need you to take my baby from my arms. When the baby is crying what I need is the space to be the mom and get the baby calm.”
I remember one poster who said she started yelling “stop it! What are you doing? You’re hurting my baby” and that shut it down immediately. It was also at a party so the MIL was publicly called out. You might have to rehearse in the mirror or write things down ahead of time to help you not freeze in the moment.
Can you come up with a few phrases to use if something like this happens again… and practice saying them out loud so they become natural? Like “I’ve got this, Marge.” Or, “hey, Marge, I’m handling it. I’ll let you know if I want help.”
I get the freezing thing, you think you’ll behave one away but then anxiety or deep set people pleasing sets in and you just can’t.
However, usually people with anxiety have what I call the “mum override” and I’m not even a mum lol
If I want someone to stop doing the thing I could never say it, but if someone else also has anxiety and wants someone to stop doing the thing then it automatically override my anxiety and I can speak up on their behalf.
The other person here is your baby!
Baby doesn’t want to ripped from momma and paraded about when they’re upset but they can’t speak up for themselves, you’ve gotta be their voice and just think of it like it’s not YOU that’s being “rude” (it’s not rude but that’s what MIL will say) it’s just saying what baby would say if they could.
I hope that makes sense and helps.
Anyone snatching anything out of my wife’s hands/arms would in in agony, seconds later. Not something anyone has tried twice.
“You cannot have the baby right now.” If she grabs baby anyway — “Give my baby back right now.” Husband should be standing with you when you do this.
I relish every opportunity I have to share this queen’s victory in the exact same circumstances:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/5651nWHQTZ
Let your husband handle it. But make sure he knows exactly how you feel and what your boundaries are with her going forward. Honestly, a simple “No” if she reaches for baby should suffice. Something stronger: “Absolutely not” in a firm voice. If she takes baby again, “Give baby back right now.” Other options: “I don’t need assistance.” “We’re going over here now” while walking away.
“Judy, it’s incredibly insulting for you to snatch my child out of my arms. I am a capable parent, it’s not helpful or appreciated to have you try to insert yourself. Going forward, please ask if you can hold my child, and respect my decision if I say no.’
Start baby wearing any time she is around.
You can also tell her that her outdated advice is not wanted or needed.
Great sentence “NO”. That’s all you need to say. No.
If she ever tries at it again (which she should not because your DH should lay down the law), laugh at her, cock your head to the side and ask, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” And then of course snatch your baby back and tell her to her face she FA and now she’s bout to FO. Rock the fucking boat.
I think husband needs to let her know it was unacceptable to snatch baby from you when they were crying at the party.
Second he needs to tell her to apologize, and moving forward she always asks before taking baby from either one of you. Repeat behavior will wind up in a time out.
My current favourite is “did you pop this child out of your vagina or help make them? No? Then you don’t get to have a say in how they’re raised.”
MIL sounds like she’s going to make you the bad guy no matter what you do, so might as well do what’s best for you and LO.
Since she makes passive aggressive comments I would tell DH that you aren’t comfortable with her visiting unless he is present. This way he’s there to keep his mom in check and can call her out when she makes rude comments or violates a boundary.
Next time she takes the child without asking, take the baby back and tell her that under no circumstances is she to take LO from you, unless you specifically ask her.
If she says something like: “Well I was just trying to help.” You should reply “I will ask for help if needed. Thank you”
You can also just clearly state your boundary when she does it and take LO back.
If she says anything just ignore her and walk over to where DH or another trusted family member is and ask her to repeat what she just said as you didn’t hear her. She’ll either backtrack or be outted for being rude.
If she says something passive aggressive, deliberately misunderstand:
MIL – “I’m just trying to be helpful”
You: “Great, I have LO covered but do you think you could load the dishwasher or do a load of laundry for us? Otherwise, I don’t need assistance at this moment.”
MIL – “You’re too overprotective, I’ve raised babies of my own. You need to learn to trust me.”
You – “This isn’t about trusting you to know how to care for LO. It’s about trusting you to follow our boundaries and instructions with LO. If we can’t trust you to respect our wishes/rules as parents, it will be difficult to trust you to care for LO. We want to be able to trust you so that we can foster a healthy relationship with you and LO. But when you disregard what we say as LOs parents it does affect our trust in you.”
MIL – “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells just to see my grandbaby.”
You – “The rules we have in place aren’t just applied to you, but to everyone who interacts with our child. Others don’t have an issue following our boundaries as LO’s parents. These rules aren’t an attack against you. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable to follow our boundaries it may be best to limit visits for your own mental health. If you work through your feelings and decide later that our instructions don’t make you uncomfortable, let us know and we can arrange a visit.”
MIL – “I don’t understand why you have this rule. It’s ridiculous.”
You – “You don’t have to understand the ‘why’ but we still expect you to respect our rules.”
If she pushes, don’t explain the basis for your rules, she doesn’t care about the “why”. She only wants to try to bully you into thinking your rule is silly and she shouldn’t have to listen.
Just say “DH and I decided on the boundary together. I’m not going to explain our decision making as that’s between us as LO’s parents.”
MIL – “I must be a horrible grandma that I can’t hold my own grandchild/You must think I’m a terrible person since you don’t trust me”
You – “When we’ve clearly communicated our boundaries and you don’t follow our rules you aren’t being a good grandma or caretaker for LO. I’m glad you’re starting to see that ”
MIL – “You need to stop being so rigid. People have their own way of taking care of babies. You need to learn to let go.”
You – “If I hired a babysitter and they didn’t follow my instructions for taking care of LO I wouldn’t allow them near LO again.
We are being flexible with you. We have given/are giving you multiple chances to follow our rules because you are LOs grandma and we want you to be in our lives. However, since you haven’t followed our boundaries, we have to place limitations on your visits until you earn our trust.
But there’s only so much we can take before we just don’t trust you at all and if that time comes there will be no more chances.”
OP – Just remember, do what’s best for your family. If you have to be the bad guy in her eyes, so be it. You need to address these issues now, as she will only grow more entitled the longer you let this go on.
Omg my mil tried this old trick luckily I had my baby in a baby carrier I’m so sorry!
NO is a complete sentence. No thanks if you want to be polite. Repeat as needed.
It’s time for your husband to tell her to back off, she’s raised her kids and LO isn’t a do over baby. Grandparents do not get a parental role in their grandchild’s life. They get to step back and let their adult children handle their child.
I just want to say that I wouldn’t care about having a relationship with my grandma if she was mean to my mom
You don’t get to be mean to my mom and bypass her to demand me… nope
Respect my mom to deserve her kid
“Yeah that might be the way things were done before cell phones were invented, but if you would bother to educate yourself, you would find that recommendations have changed.”
“That is exactly what you are not supposed to do.”
“Please read a book published after the year 2000 before you proclaim your bad advice to me again.”
“If you grab my baby out of my arms like that ever again, you will never hold her again. That is not a threat, it’s a promise.”
“Obviously you don’t realize it, but 80% of the advice you give about parenting is actually harmful for children. Or at least I hope you don’t realize it.”
Practice these words: “ I’ve got this. There just no substitute for mom”, turn and walk away.
And keep this in your back pocket, ready to use as needed : “We will raise our child. You’ve raised yours.”
never let someone take your child from you without your consent. next time, give yourself permission to stand up for yourself and prioritized your role as the mom. it takes a lot to get in the habit of this, so also give yourself grace you were flustered
Maybe get with a solid girlfriend and you roll play what you will do next the snatcher grabs again.
Best hopes OP
don’t feel too bad about not responding instantly – first times are often the worst because we’re taken by surprise. now you’re prepared.
i don’t know the first thing about babies, but i’m pretty sure you can wear the baby at 4 months old. strap little one to your body for the next half-dozen times you see MIL at least, and change her etc. in privacy. whether or not you also confront MIL, she needs a very physical reminder that her actions will result in being denied access.
have you spoken with your husband about this? if not, you need to – and if so, he needs to speak with his mother. here’s a template for him:
‘Hi mom, before you come over I just wanted to clarify that we’re not comfortable with you taking LO out of our arms without asking. I am sure you didn’t mean any harm, but please make sure we’re prepared to pass her to you.’
if he can’t/won’t do this, let him know you’ll be babywearing until he talks to her or is ready to support you while you speak to her. if he, or both of you, find yourselves afraid of an explosive reaction, it’s still necessary. the whole point is that she does not rule here, and her anger won’t change that.
My best advice for passive aggressive people is to just ask them to explain what they meant in an inquisitive tone, and then just don’t let them go around it. “No, really, I’m just trying to understand what you meant by that? Could you please explain it?”
Passive aggressive people tend to be passive because they want people to think they are nice, so just make them explain their not nice thoughts.
Look conversations have been had and she’s not caring cause there’s no consequences.
Hubby needs to draw lines now.
“YOU ARE NOT BABYS MOTHER. YOU HAVE NO SAY IN HOW WE DO ANYTHING, UNLESS ASKED. You will not rip our child from our arms again, you will respect what my wife and I say pertaining to OUR child, and you will stop crossing lines that you know you’re crossing. We’re taking a break from you. Don’t come over, don’t call. The next time we see you if you repeat all this you’re not going to see baby for a long time. “
Is time to put the hammer down.
I think the way to look at is is, she might be husbands family.. but this is YOUR baby she’s doing this with. If she wants to be passive aggressive then she simply isn’t allowed in the house until she learns to behave.
Wear the baby!
See her less. That’s your answer, someone who behaves this way should NEVER be childcare anyway – that simply feeds the beast of entitlement within them.
She needs consequences, not talks – as they’re not doing anything – she’s a repeat offender, even with all the talking.
Time to make there be consequences for her rude behaviour.
You don’t owe words. Silently take the baby back.
If she does anything but do that, get right in her face and say “NOW.” as you gesture to her to hand baby over.
This is not a negotiation and she gets no access if she fails to respect that.
Get a baby carrier and strap the baby to yourself if you have to be around her. I would see her less and when she asks why be honest and tell her you can’t trust her around your child. If she starts with “it’s MY grand child” simply reply “it is my child, you have shown you do not respect me or YOUR CHILD, so now you will not be around or holding MY CHILD”
Keep in mind she is disrespecting your boundaries already and will keep doing so if you don’t show consequences to her actions.
Perhaps be a little blunt, MIL I appreciate your enthusiasm at being the grandparent however I don’t appreciate as a new mom having unsolicited advice and opinions nor do I appreciate having my baby removed from my arms or that gesturing you do to me telling me to give you my baby. This doesn’t foster a healthy relationship between us.
If she does it after addressing the issues then advisee her that MIL I’ve advised you how I don’t appreciate you doing this and you’ve seem to be ignoring me, perhaps we need some time out for the next month to work out how we can facilitate this relationship moving forward. Yes MIL, that means baby and I won’t be seeing you for the next month as we need a break from all this unwelcome behavior.
Less is more with these types and I feel once you shut her down a few times it will get easier and less frequent. Remind her she had her kids and this is your turn, she needs to stay in her lane as grandma or else the consequences include not seeing the baby.
MIL – I did not want to embarass you at x get toghether, but you must NEVER take my child from me without my permission. You would not like to be treated that way, so please do not do that to me.
For topics where she voice her opinion, “MIL that is a parental decision. If we are looking for advice or your opinion, we will ask for it. Non welcome opinions and pushy advice make us want to avoid spending time with you, and non of want that”
Hi! MIL here.
I like to read Reddit because it gives me perspective I wouldn’t otherwise have. I’m going to assume your MIL doesn’t do that.
So, when I was a new grandma, my daughter needed me. Like, hand the baby over to me and had me teach her. She was in eclampsia shock for a few months.
However, when my son and his wife had babies, it was very different. I thought it would be similar, but communication from my son and daughter in law set me straight. No one was mean, we were all just open.
You need to both be open and honest with her. You have to tell her how it feels to not have control of your own child. And you need to tell her that this is 2025 and things have changed.
And while you have her attention, tell her that when you say something about your baby, and she replies with her own story about when she had your husband or one of his siblings, that it diminishes your feelings, and please don’t do that. she can share those stories with her grandma friends.
It’s hard knowing your place as a grandmas when you’ve spent 30 years being the mom. It’s a transition that needs help. It’s one of those things you won’t understand until you’re in it.
However, your MIL has done some really bad things. Take a crying baby from
Mom? Absolutely not.
This is a stern talking conversation that needs to take place, not a nice one.
Your husband needs to address this with his mother.
This whole thing will not be easy to change with her living next to you.