Hello! I am new here. Just looking for some advice and an ear to vent to.
My MiL can be a bit much. In the past we’ve gotten along OK, though she is very critical and will needle about every little thing.
Recently she’s been through a lot of negative stuff (divorce, brief homelessness, etc.) And she’s taken an attitude like she’s just the most down-trodden person in the world. She thinks that everyone is out to get her and she’s become extremely combative. Her new roommate has almost kicked her out twice (he’s subletting to her), but relented because he felt bad for her. And then she’s badmouthing him behind his back. He doesn’t even charge her rent, just let’s her pay what she can when she can.
We live a few states away, and invited her to come stay with us for a little while for our daughter’s birthday. She went ahead and booked her flights before confirming that a 3 week stay was OK. My husband was not happy about that, but we didn’t say anything cause it was too late.
We live in a 1 bedroom apartment (me, husband, and our 3 year old), so things are already cramped. And I’m currently a SAHM. Now she’s spent the last week laying on our couch actively moaning in pain 24/7. She says her back is killing her, but she won’t do anything about it. I’ve offered to take her to the doctor, get her medicine, whatever she needs, but she refuses help.
She’s just been laying on the couch all day, refusing to get up, refusing to eat. Literally moaning constantly. Now she’s complaining that she’s nauseous. She keeps saying that she’s been throwing up all night for the past few nights, but I’ve not seen it heard or smelled any evidence of it. She’s been off and on hyperventilating. And she’s started to get snippy with me every time I offer help.
She’s also been snapping at my daughter, who is a high energy and curious child. MiL keeps leaving her food (that she gets out but doesn’t eat) and drinks, medicines, and vapes within my daughter’s reach, so of course she’s wanting to interact with them. I correct her, obviously, but I don’t think it’s necessary to yell at her about it. Of course all of my parenting decisions are being questioned too.
I’m literally just hiding in the bedroom right now with my daughter. I don’t know what to do. My daughter doesn’t even want to be around her grandma, and my husband is just telling me to ignore her. He also told me that if she starts hyperventilating again to call an ambulance. And this isn’t an old age thing, by the way. She was a teen mom, so she isn’t that much older than my husband and I.
I’m at my wits end here. We’ve got 2 more weeks of this and I don’t think I can make it.
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First, if she yells at your daughter again, tell her to leave. I’m not kidding. If she cries and says she can’t, then tell her if she yells at your daughter one more time you will call the police and have her escorted out. That behavior needs to stop right now.
Second, while your husband doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on since he’s not home during the day, he’s right about calling an ambulance. Your MIL is refusing to take care of herself so she can inconvenience you. She needs consequences for her actions or they will never stop.
I hope you never invite her out again. She sounds awful and doesn’t deserve a DIL like you. Sorry, OP. Wishing you luck and sending you virtual hugs.
MiL is your Husbands Mom so he’s in the best position to speak your MiL .
If he refuses to approach the subject with his Mom, especially about the disrespectful behavior, take his credit card and book you and your daughter in a nice hotel room for the reminder of her stay.
She needs to go home. You are hiding from her. She is mistreating your daughter. Taken up permanent residence on your couch. Say something!!!!! This is your house, your child, your couch, your life. Go girl!!!! Send her home by telling her that this isn’t working and she needs to recuperate at home because she’s stressing everyone out. The beauty of being a mom and an adult is you do not have to politely put up with shit! Update!!
Your husband needs to kick her out. She’s being a shitty guest. She’s being rude to everyone, including her own grandchild, and moaning and complaining. He needs to step up and stop letting her treat his wife and daughter like crap.
“Mom, you’re obviously not having a good time on this trip, and frankly, neither are we. You didn’t make sure we were okay with a 3 week stay and it turns out that we’re not. So you can find somewhere else to stay or you can change your flight and I can drop you at the airport tomorrow. Those are your options, staying with us is no longer available to you.”
First off, stop offering her any help. She is clearly someone that doesn’t want to help herself and I would quit falling into the various complaints and moaning and groaning. Is there a way you can send time away from the house with your daughter during the day. She isn’t your mother, it’s not your job to entertain her-maybe stuff like library story time, walking the mall, playground. Anything to get some space for you both during the day. Other option is for your husband to tell her it sounds like she isn’t enjoying her time with you all and it would probably be best for her to go home as you guys wouldn’t want her to be miserable and your sure she wouldn’t want her granddaughter to think negatively of her.
Get this woman out of your home. If she refuses to get help she’s just doing it to get you to wait on her hand and foot. She doesn’t get to come stay and take over your home and not even be nice to you and your child.
Also I’m not sure if you’re renting this apartment or you own it, but if you’re renting you’re very likely in violation of your lease. I’ve never seen visitors be allowed to stay for 3 weeks at a time and 3 adults in a one bedroom is over occupancy standards, let alone at the child into the mix
A three week social visit? a deteriorating relationship with her roommate? a sudden and mysterious ailment that you can’t help with? This is a TRAP.
She starts hyperventilating, you call an ambulance and send her ass to the hospital no matter what. While she’s there, you gather her belongings and arrange her flight home, even if it has to come out of your pocket. She’s working on a plan to stay a lot longer than three weeks…
Shes moaning and complaining about her back , on the couch because she’s trying to guilt you into giving up your bed, to her.
Tell her to clean up her shit that she’s leaving around , where your child can get to it. When she snaps at your child , tell her off.
Tell her she either goes to the Dr or gets out of bed. Her choice
Tell your husband to get some balls and get her out of there. That just “ignoring her” isn’t an option and that you and your child are literally hiding in your room. If it were me, I’d have no problem telling her to get out myself, but not everyone is as confident as I am. But it’s your home! The worry is here that after three weeks she doesn’t leave OP. Tell your husband to tell he this isn’t working and she needs to go.
Moaning in pain, hyperventilating and vomiting? Is there any chance she’s detoxing?
Regardless of the answer to the question above, your husband needs to tell her to rebook her flight and you guys will pay the change fee and get her the hell out of your house
I worry that she doesn’t actually plan on leaving. Maybe this time she has been kicked out for good. Also a “pay what you can, when you can” arrangement with her male roommate sounds sketchy to say the least.
You do NOT have to put up with this for 2 more weeks. Your husband tells you to just deal with it because it easier for him. He isn’t the one hosting her 24/7.
Consider that paying a change ticket fee to send her back (or on to some other relative) is well worth your sanity and having your peaceful home back.
Also you both need to read the Don’t Rock the Boat post.
I would call an ambulance and then see what happens.
She’s staying for three weeks and has a bad roommate? And in mysterious “pain”
I’m a middle aged woman I can tell you what’s happening here….shes gonna go to the hospital on day 19 amd get herself admitted. Then she can’t fly home and next thing you know she’s been at your address for 30 days…she’s setting up residency at your home so you cannot evict her.
Has she made “jokes” about moving in or all of you living together yet?
I have been through something similar and found myself carving out a part of my closet to sit/hide in behind jackets with wine from my mil.
That’s when I learned if I have to hide in my own home it’s time to get them out.
Do not put up with this for two more weeks, pay to have her ticket changed and get her gone.
Best of luck op.
Get your husband to get her out of the house. I’d see if you and your daughter can go stay with someone else for a the day/overnight while he gets her to pack up and get out. Then your daughter won’t have to be exposed to the meltdown/tantrum.
If she can get up to go vape, she can get up to get her own food and put her dishes and stuff away.
Don’t offer help. Don’t feed her. Don’t let her yell at your daughter.
Definitely call the ambulance at the first opportunity. They will take her to the ER, and you can lock the door behind her.
Maybe have a convo with hubby that she needs professional help, and that allowing her to lie on the couch and moan all day is enabling whatever problems she’s having and making them worse.
Also point out the negative impacts on daughter.
If all that fails, you and daughter go stay at a hotel
Or with your fam
And friends until he gets her out.
She needs to go home and be seen by her doctor. She’s gotta go. This is not the place for her.
Pay the change fee for her ticket and take her to the airport.