I (28F) and my husband (30M) want to hopefully have children soon. We are not super close and don’t live close. There’s been plenty of things that have been irritating and required smaller boundaries especially with his mother. His parents post EVERYTHING on social media. A normal activity warrants 50+ photos and all go to social media (FB).
It’s truly part of their personality and something I just cannot relate to. There’s been times that we’ve had to set boundaries about my husband and I not wanting our pictures taken or posted (like if we are in swimming suits or in pajamas etc). They have other grandchildren who they also post many many many photos with captions when they see them. This really stressed me out because I think the internet is a scary place and I don’t know their 500+ FB friends looking at these pictures. I also worry about a child having a digital footprint that they can’t even consent to for many reasons. I’ve never said anything because I think it’s ultimately up to my nieces/nephews parents.
We want to start approaching this conversation about our future children so it’s let stressful or shocking to them when the time arises. Especially because my MIL can have a MAJOR flair for the dramatic. So any tips to make this less uncomfortable? Does this seem out of line to ask them to not post my children??
Also, for reference my husband and I don’t post on social media and neither does my side of the family and I’m not talking about a general family photo that many people have or are posting.
TIA
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When we told my in-laws I was pregnant we made sure to establish a no posting rule. Zilch. Nada. No “I’m a grandma!” posts either because it would be obvious to anyone which of her children had a child not to mention the lack of Facebook privacy settings on her account.
She means well but this policy has worked thus far and my kiddo is 3.5 years old. Husband and I don’t post either (I never posted about being pregnant either) so it just levels the playing field in that regard. Our feelings about not posting our kiddo are strong so it’s been for my husband and I to just keep things this way.
If the two of you don’t post as it is anyway, you can have a conversation with them now about how, with the rise of __________ (insert your anti-social-media-thoughts-here, whether ai manipulation of photos for evil purposes or compare culture or children’s self-worth or whatever) the two of you and any children you might have are no longer having a photographic footprint. If she’d like a picture now and then for her photo frame or to print out or whatever, that is fine, but the two of you don’t want to be posted online going forward.
And then enforce it – like posters here have had to phone and tell MIL to take down photos of newborns, do so now if she posts either of you after this conversation. Don’t stand down, she’ll say you’re being “completely ridiculous”, etc. But the point is to get her used to it now because it is going to be FAR easier than when there’s a baby involved. Hopefully you two can solidly establish that you’re the “weird privacy freaks” before there’s a cute baby to post.
FB has a reporting system for unauthorized use of images of minors. It works really well when you can report the pictures. It doesn’t work when the poster hides the pictures from the parents so the parents don’t see them to report them.
Start getting used to setting rules and boundaries. Rules are for them; boundaries are for you.
Rule: No posting our or our child’s image(s) on any social media.
Boundary: Should we see any image, we won’t allow you to take pictures, nor will we send you any pictures.
Don’t engage with any “MAJOR flair for the dramatic”. There’s no need to. If you’re together, just leave. If it’s over messaging, stop. If it’s over a phone call, hang up; you don’t need permission to end communication.
When you host events, phones and cameras are put away and don’t come out during the visit. You’re all together to enjoy each other’s company. If that’s too much for anyone, they aren’t invited.
Foreshadowing into your future:
When you become pregnant, put off telling them for as long as you can. Don’t give them your due date; give them a due date 3-6 weeks later. You and your husband just have to be careful with that. There’s a thing called “crotch watch” where people will routinely message you especially nearer the due date. You’ve been trained to respond quickly to them. When you delay in responding, they’ll know you’re at the hospital and will swoop in to inflict their mayhem on you. Stop with the quick responses now as you and your husband are both adults and busy and don’t need to answer to anyone UNTIL you’re ready to.
Keeping your future children and their identities safe is never a bad thing in this digital age, so I definitely think you’re not overreacting.
It does get tricky if you as a couple ask for their cooperation and they don’t comply. Then you have to spend energy enforcing your decision with them. How do they usually respond when you make requests of them?
I don’t know if there’s any way to avoid the discomfort, so brace yourself for it because it’s going to come one way or another, especially since the other family parents are happy to feed their social media habits. But their big feelings about it? That’s not your problem. If you think it’ll work better to just have your husband deliver the message initially you can try that.
Also, you can do a test run. Give them a few generic pictures of your kids with nothing identifiable showing with a heads up that they’re not to post them and see what they do. Explain the consequences of their actions if they disregard your directive beforehand too.
(It’s interesting to note that my family gets lots of photos because they don’t use social media, whereas my ILs get none, despite my MIL’s repeated nagging, because we don’t trust them (especially my SIL, who hates me). We also have one kiddo who doesn’t want photos taken and MIL was covertly trying to snap pics of him, which became yet another reason why they don’t like her.)
It’s great that you’re thinking about this ahead of time. Good luck!
My daughter allows me to cautiously post pictures occasionally of her kids. Always with nicknames assigned during pregnancy and usually I just post pictures of them from behind.
oh man the biggest and most important thing i can’t reiterate enough to you if form your boundaries and STAY FIRM. do not give even an INCH. the second you do in laws will see it as an opportunity to run 10 miles with it. that is my biggest personal regret when thinking back to how the entire dynamic with my in laws and my children has now been currently effected.
husband and i had the same rule, he and i don’t post really, i post very limited nice photos to my private instagram which i have vetted thoroughly and have a very small following of people on. my family doesn’t even do social media. husbands family is just as you described yours, every single thing is a post-able photo op to facebook.
when we got pregnant with our daughter we decided to preserve her digital footprint as well, and stated it was a boundary that she not be posted, and nothing about my pregnancy be posted as well. MIL flipped OUT, ran to her mom and dad, who then came at my husband and said they had a quote right to post about her because they are excited and she’s becoming a grandma. we STUPIDLY lightened up, stating they could post, but with our permission, and still not about the pregnancy. MIL announced her full legal name and due date at 7 months pregnant out of spite because i named her something similar to my mom. claimed it was excitement. she was asked to take it down.
her sister posted about my birth trauma before i even woke up or realized i had survived a catastrophic c section, while i was still intubated. husband asked her to take it down. MIL posted my second pregnancy announcement this easter, and also posted an image of my daughter bent over sipping water in a bathing suit. three posts ever have been asked to take down, and the whole family came for us saying we target MIL.
so we retracted all posting privileges and are at the current moment no contact. with any of them. just discovered the aunt blocked husband and i, the whole family thinks im tearing the family apart because i set boundaries for my second and they think we’ve taken it too far.
don’t even give them an inch.
Hey OP, nah, you’re totally in the right here, IMHO. The world’s a scary place n’ privacy’s a BIG deal rn. Not mention, ur kids are like mini adults-to-be who should totally have a say in their online presence. Honestly, it’s high time parents n’ grandparents get this. Start that convo ASAP, keep it chill n’ firm. And maybe do some research, show ’em articles abt online safety and digital footprints, helps add weight to your argument. Good luck fam, hope they get it.
Totally get where you’re coming from. It’s defs not out of line asking them not to post pics of ur future kiddos. They’re your kids, u get to make the rules. I’d straight up tell ’em about your concerns, no fluff. It’s 2025, people gotta respect digital privacy, even if it’s fam. Good luck!