I (26F) have been with my fiance K (26M) for 7 years.
Originally we planned to get married on our 10 year anniversary. By then I would have finished uni and my additional training and would have gotten some work experience and some saved up money.
And, I thought, K would have finished his MA. and would have had some experience and some money saved up to.
Well, it turns out K never even got his BA. because he failed a test on the 3rd try. He never told anyone. He lied to everyone, including himself, for one and a half years. He still rented out his uni dorm, and even wrote a whole MA. thesis that he faked.
He was apparently paralized by the fear that we would all abandon him.
I couldn’t care less that he flunked his BA. I do care a lot about the lies.
I made it a condition for him to get a therapist for us to continue in a relationship. He went to a crisis counselor walk-in hours once but so far no other development on that front.
It was also important for me that he finds a job he likes. He’s currently doing an internship at a social care facility. Evaluating if that’s a job he’d enjoy.
I’m struggling a bit honestly. I don’t know if I’ll ever get ove rhim lying to my face for over a year. On the other hand I’m sure the explanation for it is mental health related.
How do I(26F) proceed with the relationship with my fiance(26M) after finding out he lied about his degree for one and a half years?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Don’t stay because you feel bad for him. Leave because you deserve better than this.
He is capable of telling big, long-term lies. What else is/will he lie to you about? Leave him.
well, try. if he goes to the therapist that’s a start
He didn’t “lie about a degree” , which would have been bad enough. He wove some elaborate web of lies – kept his dorm room, wore a fake paper, and who knows what else. That’s downright scary
You can’t fix whatever is going on with him (mental health, narcissist, etc). Only he can and only if/when he wants to.
Are you really ok continuing this relationship?
I would not continue it unless he continues to go to counseling. Stand by what you said earlier. Walk so that he gets help. You staying clearly isn’t changing things in him. He needs help. Love him enough to leave him.
Curious, what made him come clean?
You don’t have to decide now. If you really want to give him a chance, then give him a chance. As long as you don’t marry him you don’t lose anything by waiting and seeing.
Ask him how can you know where the lies stop? Ask where he draws the line about what he will lie about, and how can you believe his response?
While he was faking getting his MA, was he working and helping to save towards settling down and getting married, or was he living off the money that his parents paid to help for school? Lying about not having his degree is one thing, but if he used his lies as an excuse to not work, that is something entirely different
>How do I(26F) proceed with the relationship with my fiance(26M) after finding out he lied about his degree for one and a half years?
By breaking up with him, and not looking back.
It is impossible to trust him to any degree, and you’d be a fool to try building any kind of life with this person.
This is so tough to rationalize. He psychologically convinced himself and the world he has a higher degree of education because of his fear of failure. While the education is not important it is his psychology mind set.
There are plenty of people that have done similar psychological craziness. Some become violent, some just become so absorbed in the lie they eventually seem unhinged. He has a lot of work ahead to unravel himself and the hurt he caused those who love and respect him.
How you proceed with the relationship is through your own personal therapy. You will never trust him and maybe others until you can wrap your brain around his psychos.
Those are really big lies. I understand your empathy, but people aren’t cars – you can’t go to a therapist and magically be ‘fixed’ even if he’s the one actively pursuing therapy. Even if he’s trying, can you really 100% trust him to be completely honest and transparent with you? Or are you always going to need to double check something when he’s stressed, worried that he’ll once again find the lie easier than the harsh truth.
I can empathize with his mental struggle without wanting to be sucked into it. I would not be able to trust this man as a partner. The lies are too big and the deception took too much planning. This is not a mistake; it’s pathology.
When I read things like this I think of a former colleague who got a call from her husband. Turned out he’d lost his job and been pretending to go to work. He’d opened a bunch of cards and taken out loans in her name. He’d been gambling and racked up $250k in debt. This was like 20 years ago when that was a shit ton of money. We were maybe making $50k.
We all thought she had the perfect marriage. He was such a nice guy.
Lying liars lie. This man lied to you every single second you were together. 100% he’s lying about other things. Get STD tested and do not marry this man.
You’re going to excuse/explain away his shitty behavior with mental health? Maybe that’s a factor but he’s outright neglecting it even though you made it a condition of continuing the relationship. I could never stay with someone who lied to me about something major like that for so long.
Big of you to understand mental breakthroughs(I meant breakdowns but I’m a firm believer breakdowns are breakthroughs in disguise so I’ll leave it) can impact us in really intense ways that end to hurting the ones we love the most. Right now you’re doing the right things. You’d hit the brakes and had him seek MH care, which he’s snugly obliged to do, you’ve put some demands on his career and financial responsibilities which he’s also doing, and you’re here(albeit maybe not the best place for some things) reflecting on and reevaluating your relationship. The important thing is no brash decisions and taking it one day at a time. Trust is earned. I recommend you also seek therapy and doubly recommend you two do therapy together to navigate this. If yall can survive couples therapy, then you can survive marriage.
Considering the behaviors that led him to lying for so long, you may want to look for long term patterns, and also consider why it is that he failed 3 times. Is it an unfortunate set of circumstances or a sign of something deeper and ultimately incompatible?
I think this situation is the type of situation that’s going to make or break your relationship for sure, your concern is justified, it just depends on the decisions you two make both separately and together in the coming months. Good luck!