This might be a long one but I’ll try to keep it short… My husband’s friend, B (54 single male), invited a group of people (M&F) to a 5k last December. Several people and couples responded “yes”. As time went on everyone dropped out except for B, me (54F) and my husband (54M) and J (54 engaged male). We did the 5k, went for dinner and then a bar near B’s house. End of night, we went to B’s house – my husband was really drunk and I was definitely over the legal limit so didn’t want to drive 30 minutes home. B went to bed, husband passed out on one end of reclining sofa, J reclined on the other end of reclining sofa, I was in the middle seat which didn’t recline. I cuddled up to my husband and put my head on his chest but he was taking up the whole seat and foot rest so I put my feet up on the middle seat and partially on J’s foot rest. I woke up to J rubbing my legs and breathing heavy. I said “stop” Again woke up to same thing and I said “Stop it”. Again, same thing. I sat up and got closer to him and said “stop” and he kissed me and put his tongue in my mouth. I said “stop it, go to bed, go to sleep” and I moved over to a different couch. When I woke up in the morning, I had a text message on my phone from him (he had my phone number only because earlier that night at dinner he was telling me how his fiancée liked Christian music so I sent him a link to a group that I really like). His text message said “I’m in the spare room”. Later that morning, he texted me and asked if we made it back home safely and I said we did and I told him I deleted his text about being in the spare room. He replied with “sorry I overserved myself”. For 2 weeks, every time I thought about it, it made me sick. I finally told my husband. My husband got really drunk and middle-of-the-night texted J with how betrayed he felt, he mentioned that he’d like to do some harmful things to J but that he wasn’t going to and told J he never wanted to talk to him again. J never responded to husband’s text and blocked me on Facebook. And that was the end of it. This has been eating at both of us for 9 months. My husband recently told B that something had happened and B said J told him right after it happened and said he didn’t want to hear my side of the story and he was chalking it up to a stupid drunken night. I think about what happened all the time, sometimes can’t go to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. It’s really hurtful to me and my husband that he won’t try to make amends and has blocked us both as if we did something wrong to him. I want to make him feel some pain like he has caused me. I have been living with this without an apology for 9 months and I want him to live with some consequences/pain. What should I do?
Husband’s friend touched me inappropriately
r/Advice
Comments
Friend, let it go, let it remain as a bad experience and a demonstration of what bad people people can be. Here we all know that your husband’s friend, “J”, was very bad. He wanted to betray his friend with his wife! That is in his essence, you cannot attribute that only to alcohol, because many of us get drunk and continue to have VALUES. As I tell you, J was bad, and anyone who doesn’t see it is just as bad a person as him. I’m so sorry for you and your husband that you see that your friends are shit, but sometimes it’s just people, and friendships are superficial until something like this happens
Dudes a scumbag, stay far away from him and ppl like that. Sometimes the best revenge is silence and that’s what he’s doing to you and hubs so give him a taste of his own medicine. Also, fck this guy, it’s really not worth the energy, move on, sht happens.. who’s to say what he’s really capable of.. it ain’t worth it
You should move on, any time someone talks about the guy maybe let it be known he’s a piece of shit. B can fuck off too.
Both you and your husband need to talk to each other, and find ways to move on. Don’t waste any more of your time on scum like them.
Forget this person exists. Also, re examine your alcohol consumption. I drink too, but you make it sound like one step away from black out drunk happens a lot in your friend circle. That’s not good.
That’s really heavy, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. What J did was absolutely inappropriate and not your fault. You told him “stop” multiple times and he ignored your boundaries, that’s harassment, plain and simple.
It makes sense that it’s been eating at you for months, because situations like this often leave people feeling powerless and disrespected. Wanting him to feel consequences or pain is natural, but the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is focus on your own healing and regaining a sense of control, not on punishing him (which honestly may never bring you peace).
A few things you might consider:
Counseling/Therapy: Processing this with a professional could help with the sleepless nights and constant replaying of what happened. Trauma sticks, and it deserves proper care.
Boundaries: Make it clear to your husband’s circle (and B) that J is not welcome around you or your husband again. You don’t owe J forgiveness or contact.
Accountability: If you want some form of justice, you could document what happened and consider reporting it (though I know that’s a very personal choice, and 9 months later it may feel complicated).
Self-compassion: Remind yourself, you did nothing wrong. You said no, you pushed him away, and he crossed the line.
As for “making him feel pain”, the sad truth is, guys like him often deflect blame and refuse accountability. You may never get the apology you deserve. But the more important step is making sure he no longer has power over your peace of mind.
You need to let things rest. This should not still be eating at you after 9 months. Don’t talk to him again and move on with your lives!
He assaulted you and never acknowledged it or apologized. That’s why you can’t get past it. There’s nothing you can do legally, but you can call him out publicly. That’s not the first or last time he’ll do that. B sux for silencing YOU, the victim.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m of that same gen, and have been assaulted by my peers when I was younger. I would absolutely call them out on it today. J does not deserve your silence.
What should you do?
You might find it helpful to talk to a therapist to process the anger, hurt, and feeling that the perpetrator needs consequences.
Having experienced something similar, I totally understand wanting the person to have consequences. I’m living with the consequences, so should he. I try to make peace with the fact that, as a consequence, he no longer has the benefit of kind, loving, loyal friendship from my husband or me.
You really like alcohol. You can’t have fun without being drunk and out of control. But did you grow up on milk and alcohol? Your friend made a mistake, he was a real asshole, but you need to look at yourself in the mirror (sober) and limit your drinking.
Really I’d be pissed at you for not doing more. t the latest that morning you should have told your husband so something could have been done Not wait 2 weeks. To me I would be like something else happened and trickle truth would come out. That’s just my opinion
Let it go !
You keep saying “he doesn’t have the decency to make amends” but he did apologize afterwards and then you told your husband and presumably from what you wrote then took that scolding too. Note I’m not saying any of that makes it okay or even or anything, but that what you THINK you want has already been given, what you actually want is for him to make up for the rest of the anguish you have dealt with because of the trauma the event caused, but that’s not actually his to correct it’s yours. You have to go to therapy, you clearly were affected by it. It’s not your fault this happened to you, but it is your responsibility to get yourself right.
Sorry you are having a tough time.
Your husband told B never to speak to you or him again. yet according to your comments you want B to make amends.
You need to forget what went on, get some counselling to help you move forward in life. As you can see this is affecting you & will be affecting you for the rest of life.
What happened to you was wrong. You said “stop” and he ignored it, that’s not a misunderstanding, it’s a violation. You deserve to be heard, supported, and to heal without carrying his shame.
You were right to tell your husband and let the boys deal with it. This guy was never a friend and a predator who was looking for the right moment.
Why in god’s name would you want any further contact with this creep? You and your Husband should be permanently blocking him
OP: this was a horrible thing that happened to you and it’s totally normal to feel this way. Your husband did the right thing cutting this guy off. Is there more you can do? You could go to the police I guess because what he did is potentially sexual assault (though to be honest I’m not certain), but I’m skeptical that anything would be done about it. Unless you’re married to Tony Soprano, you guys have done all you can by cutting this person out of your life and shaming them. If I were you, I’d seek therapy to help me process what happened.
Move on it’s not worth this anguish
Let it go , first what he did he is not a friend but a SNAKE, IM ITALIAN WE DON’T PLAY THAT ITS ABOUT RESPECT MY FRIENDS GIVE MY GIRL AND THE SAME FOR ME. RESPECT, LET IT GO .
It’s obvious what you should’ve done from the start. J has a fiance but he thought you were into him (for some reason) up until your husband contacted him. J finally realized you weren’t an option and went into damage control mode to block you two before it gets back to his fiance, that’s why he didn’t think to apologize. Prob wouldn’t apologize anyway, but he’s not worried about you two, he’s worried about what consequences this would have on his own life.
Also I’d be very suspicious of what B and other friends have heard. J probably spun the story to make you look like the adulterer and him the victim.
Anyway you shouldn’t tell his fiance for revenge or to make him suffer, but you should have told her a long time ago to warn this innocent woman that she’s about to marry a pos.
Ever heard of paragraphs?
…but why? what’s done is done. let it go.
I wish I could get apologies for what my ex husband did to me or a few other disrespectful men have done. Even an apology from an old boss would be great! But that isn’t happening.
And that does NOT make me who they saw me as. And I can’t change who they are. I know who I am and they are the sick maladjusted wtf is wrong with you people with issues! Not me! Puck them! Not YOU! Puck that jerk!
Obviously there are people that are complete losses and no matter what these people do, they see it more as some opportunity apparently. I call them opportunists.
You can’t MAKE a person apologize. You can’t MAKE that person do anything! All you can do is control yourself! And you can’t allow him any more power over you! Don’t expect and don’t wait any longer for an apology because one is not coming! That is who he is. He took advantage only in the night when you were sleeping. What a loser, sick flipping piece of trash!
Take a class in defense. If it ever happens again you can lay the guy out and hurt him. Give him something to think about. Allow this to make you STRONGER and SMARTER.
Tell your husband and then file a police report. Both is equally important.